Kirk: He kicked my dog when I was a kid.
Sy: He hit on my wife repeatedly.
Kirk: Toto was always different after that.
Sy: My wife was much affected as well.
Kirk: I'd toss her something to fetch. She'd run after it and then forget about it.
Sy: She stopped enjoying her soap operas.
Kirk: She'd just lie down and go to sleep.
Kirk: This is an exaggeration.
Burt: We're not exaggerating. We threw a big party when he left town.
Sy: I made love to my wife that night like I never have.
Kirk: My Toto barked a happy bark, then quietly stopped breathing. She was old.

Sookie: I'm gonna start with Hong Kong. I'm hoping those acrobats can get another gig.

Luke: I was cutting Louie slack out of respect for my dad but the man was rotten and mean and selfish all his life. He's even selfish in death. Other people would have loved to have those baseball cards. I would have loved to had those cards. He's got Lou Gehrig's rookie card, Joe DiMaggio, Willie Mays, tons of others. But, no. My uncle, King Tut, has to take all of them to the afterlife with him.
Mortuary Worker: Sir, your voice.
Luke: I'm done. I've had it. From now on, it's just the bare minimum and that's it. Dig a big hole and just dump the casket in unlatched. If stuff falls out, fine. Pile on enough dirt and make sure nothing's showing.

Luke: I'm gonna change, then you can retire from your diner career forever.
Lorelai: No, it's fun. I came up with some new diner phrases. You know what a "lucky duck cluck" is?
Luke: No.
Lorelai: It's foie gras with chicken and green shamrock frosting.
Luke: Why would anyone order that?
Lorelai: If they're high.

Emily: Anyway, it's obvious that wouldn't be appropriate anymore being as I'm probably standing in your reception hall.
Lorelai: Excuse me?
Emily: Burgers and fries for the dinner, the bride walks down the aisle with a ketchup dispenser in her hand.
Lorelai: Please tell me what you're talking about.
Emily: I'm talking about Luke.
Lorelai: Luke?
Emily: Well, it's obvious, Lorelai.
Lorelai: No, it's not, Mom.
Emily: You're with him constantly.
Lorelai: He feeds me.
Emily: You bring up his name constantly.
Lorelai: Once again, he feeds me.
Emily: The moment he calls, you run to his side.
Lorelai: He's my friend. He needed me. I had to be there.
Emily: Yes, I know you did.

Emily: I have to go. I'll see you for dinner tonight. And Luke, I'm sure I'll see you again soon. What do you think of the Romanovs?
Luke: They probably had it coming.
Emily: A match made in heaven.

Luke: That ain't me, is it?
Lorelai: What are you talking about?
Luke: What Taylor said about me being like Louie: A loner, never being married and stuff? I mean, I've been getting crankier as I get older. He's not so far off.
Lorelai: You are not your uncle. I mean, would Louie ever build someone a huppah or help fix things around someone's house without being asked, or make a special coffee cake with balloons for a girI's 16th birthday?
Luke: Rory told you about that?
Lorelai: Yes. And would Louie have taken in his sister's kid without asking for anything in return?
Luke: No one would've trusted Louie with their kid. He probably would have forgotten to feed him or something.
Lorelai: You get my point.
Luke: Yeah, I get it.

Lorelai: Do you think he's in heaven?
Luke: I hope so, just so my dad can kick his butt around the place.
Lorelai: Can you kick when you're in heaven?
Luke: It's probably frowned upon.
Lorelai: Yeah, plus you're all see-through and gauzy. Dad's foot could go right through him.
Luke: This is a silly conversation.