Season 5, Episode 12 - Aired February 1, 2005
Richard learns that Emily has been out on a date since they separated. Michel wants Lorelai to investigate whether a staff member is sneaking into hotel rooms after guests check out. Meanwhile, Rory offers to help Logan research an article.
Quote from Kirk
Lorelai: Kirk, what are you doing here?
Kirk: Staff meeting.
Lorelai: You don't work here.
Kirk: I thought I might like to go into hotel management someday, and I figured this was a good place to learn.
Lorelai: Oh, Kirk, you can't just crash a staff meeting.
Kirk: [writes] Outsiders cannot crash staff meetings. I'm learning so much.
Quote from Luke
Luke: Watching T.V. in bed screws up your REM sleep.
Lorelai: But Charlie Rose, Jon Stewart, Pink Lady and Jeff?
Luke: All screw up your REM sleep.
Lorelai: How does Charlie Rose screw up your REM sleep?
Luke: Because he's always got some guy on pushing a book about how everything's all going to hell and they're going to pass a law where everyone with a nose ring is going to get shipped off to China. And suddenly, you're depressed thinking we're all going to die. And don't drink the water. "And there's anthrax in my bagel." And bam, there goes your REM sleep.
Lorelai: Or Mel Brooks is on, and he is so funny, and you think, "What a wonderful world we live in, that there's a Mel Brooks to go to sleep to."
Luke: Mel Brooks is never on Charlie Rose, and when he is on he's talking about Nazis, and then you go to sleep and you dream about Nazis and they all look like Nathan Lane, and you're creeped out for days.
Quote from Michel
Lorelai: Okay, anything else to discuss before we wrap it up here?
Michel: Yes. We have a problem with some honor bar discrepancies. For the past few weeks, after I have checked a room and found the honor bar intact, the next day, Toblerones are missing.
Michel: Only Toblerones, and only in certain rooms. I think we have thieves.
Lorelai: Or guests.
Michel: No, these are not the guests. The disappearances are happening in rooms no one is staying in. I think we have thieves and it's obviously an inside job. This person is waiting until I've made my rounds.
They're waiting until I've checked my list, 'till I initial my list, and only then do they steal the Toblerones.
Lorelai: Maybe you counted wrong.
Michel: I say we install surveillance cameras, fingerprint the staff, run the prints through the FBI and have mandatory searches before they leave at the end of their shift.
Lorelai: Oh, well, that sounds great. Everybody drop your pants for Michel before you leave. Meeting adjourned.
Quote from Rory
Rory: Oh, Doyle told me that your dad is throwing a party for Seymour Hersh?
Logan: Ah, you want to talk about boring?
Rory: How can meeting Seymour Hersh be boring? I love him. I read My Lai Four when I was twelve and I've been obsessed with him ever since.
Logan: You read a book about the My Lai massacre when you were twelve?
Rory: Well, I polished off Nancy Drew that year, too.
Quote from Sookie
Sookie: A few weeks ago I read in the paper that there was going to be an episode of Dark Shadows on, the one where Barnabas is released from his tomb, and I used to love Dark Shadows, and I just suddenly really wanted to see it.
Sookie: So, I didn't get off work in time to get home and see it, so I just came up here, and it was just supposed to be that one time, but the room was really nice, and I was really comfortable, and there were Toblerones, and I just had the best time. It was an hour all to myself, and the next week it was another good episode, and I just kinda...
Lorelai: Decided to haunt the place.
Sookie: I tried to clean up afterwards, and the bed was not mussed. Michel is too anal for his own good.
Quote from Luke
Lorelai: Hey. You built me a shelf. That's so nice.
Luke: It was anything but nice. I kept using your crazy toothpaste.
Lorelai: There's nothing crazy about my toothpaste.
Luke: It's cinnamon.
Lorelai: So what?
Luke: I don't like cinnamon. I like normal flavored.
Lorelai: What exactly is this normal flavor?
Luke: You know, striped.
Lorelai: Striped. That's not a flavor.
Luke: It is in the toothpaste world.
Lorelai: Ooo, the toothpaste world. Is that anything like Whoville?
Quote from Lane
Lane: But I don't look good.
Zach: What are you talking about? You look totally cool, like a real chick.
Lane: I look like the Korean Buddy Holly.
Brian: Buddy Holly was cool.
Lane: May he rest in peace, but Buddy Holly was not an attractive man.
Quote from Lorelai
Lorelai: You know what ruins your REM sleep, is those articles about REM sleep. And you know what could help you forget those articles about REM sleep?
Lorelai: A television. Say goodnight, Gracie.
Luke: Goodnight, Gracie.
Quote from Michel
Lorelai: Okay, now, next on the agenda is something very exciting. The Dragonfly Inn's first official sexual harassment seminar.
Michel: Ah, finally. Yes, good, talk to them.
Lorelai: Sexual harassment is bad. So no one touch anyone in any funny places unless specifically asked. Moving on.
Michel: That's it? That's the seminar? Where's the speech about people not ogling other people like an object of desire? How about explaining that the way some people walk with a sway or a bounce, it is natural. It is because we work out, and we take Pilates, and-
Lorelai: No one touch Michel. Moving on.
Quote from Kirk
Kirk: No food spread? The staff meetings at Connecticut Light and Power always have a lovely food spread.
Nice bagels, an assortment of schmear.