Lorelai: This is the next-to-last thing I thought would happen tonight. The last thing being a saint riding down on a chariot from Heaven to announce Armageddon.
Christopher: Hartford's the place he chooses to make his announcement? I don't think so.

Lorelai: Are you okay?
Rory: Yeah, I'm fine.
Lorelai: All those crazy people saying horrible things were directing them at me, not you.
Rory: They were directing them to you because you had me.
Lorelai: No, they were directing them at me because I screwed up their big Citizen Kane plans, that's all.
Rory: They don't even wanna know me.
Lorelai: That is not true. They are just so full of anger and stupid pride that stands in the way of them realizing how much they wanna know you.
Rory: Yeah.
Lorelai: Their loss, and it's a pretty big one.

Christopher: I don't deserve that. I'm as mature as you.
Lorelai: What? The Offspring is your favorite band.
Christopher: So? You're into Metallica.
Lorelai: Well, Metallica is way more substantial than The Offspring.
Christopher: Here we go. It's the same Black Sabbath riff all over again.
Lorelai: Ugh. The Offspring have one chord progression. They use it over and over. They pop on new words and call it a single. And I don't wanna talk about this anymore!

Lorelai: Chris, come on.
Christopher: Rory might be my only child.
Lorelai: That's not true. If Tony Randall can crank one out in his 70s you have decades left to spawn.

Rory: I'm gonna go study before the food arrives.
Christopher: What? Tomorrow's Saturday.
Rory: I know. I like to get my weekend homework done by Saturday night so then I can do extra-credit stuff on Sunday.

Christopher: Okay, look I've been making changes, especially in my career and I've got all my ducks in a row.
Lorelai: You're opening a shooting gallery.
Christopher: I've been tying up the loose ends of my life.
Lorelai: Do they make that much string?
Christopher: You know, you've always had that verbal thing. Quick mind. It's annoying.

Lorelai: So you've been tying up loose ends.
Christopher: I don't know what your dad has told you but I'm on the verge of a kind of big success. It's for real this time. I've got a company with actual cash flow. I've got employees. I've got an accountant, for God's sake. He wears a tie and says words like "fiduciary" unironically. It's for real this time.
Lorelai: I would love to believe it is.
Christopher: Hmm. Why does your dad have more faith in me than you?
Lorelai: My father hit his head surfing Rincon a couple of years ago. His judgment's a little off.

Christopher: So you have zero faith?
Lorelai: I've known you since I was six, Chris. You're that guy who crashed his new Porsche two hours after his parents gave him to it on his sixteenth birthday.
Christopher: And you were the girl in the Pinky Tuscadero T-shirt next to me.
Lorelai: Horrified.
Christopher: Think again.
Lorelai: All right. Having a blast, then horrified.

Kirk: The truth of the matter is that you can't pitch and you can't hit. So this'll be a terrific matchup.
Luke: Knock it off, Kirk.
Kirk: A historic lack of action.
Luke: Don't you have anything better to do with your Saturdays?
Kirk: What can I say, I'm addicted to comedy. Half an hour they've been playing, and it's tied zero-zero. Hey, if you take this show on the road, I've got a name for you. Zero and Zero. Dean Zero and Luke Zero, get it?
Luke: Doesn't even resemble clever.
Kirk: I'm dumbing it down for you, Alfalfa.

Christopher: How long do these games last?
Rory: Till they get tired. Then they say the first team to get a run wins.
Kirk: Yeah, it's really professional down there. Hey, Luke, does your husband play softball, too?
Luke: All right, that's it.
Kirk: Uh... I'm getting a page. I've gotta go. [runs off]