Michel: Do not talk to my mother ever again. Do you understand me?
Lorelai: No, I don't understand. Michel, you and your mother seem crazy about each other. I assumed, since you gave up carbs a year ago, she knew.
Michel: Yes, well, you know what happens when you assume.
Lorelai: What?
Michel: I don't know. Something about a donkey. It's a stupid American phrase!

Lorelai: Mom, there's nothing wrong with getting help.
Emily: Lorelai Gilmore, are you seriously suggesting that your father go to a complete stranger and talk about his personal life?
Lorelai: Lots of people swear by it.
Emily: Yes. Disturbed people. Deviants. People with multiple personalities who see things and hear dogs talking to them and roam the streets talking to themselves and licking parking meters.
Lorelai: Mom.
Emily: Next thing you know, you'll be suggesting I go to a psychiatrist.
Lorelai: Too many comebacks. I cannot pick.

Rory: I'm hanging out with Lane tonight.
Lorelai: Lane?
Rory: Yeah. We have some serious CD listening to do. We're way behind on all the Elvis Costello reissues coming out.
Lorelai: I didn't think Lane could hang out past 9:00.
Rory: Her mom's at an antique fair in Woodbury until Sunday. Her grandmother's staying with her, but she's asleep by 6:00.

Lorelai: We're starving.
Emily: We are waiting for your father.
Lorelai: It's going to get cold.
Emily: We're waiting for your father.
Lorelai: We've been waiting forever.
Emily: We have not been waiting forever.
Lorelai: Godot was just here, he said: "I ain't waiting for Richard", grabbed a roll and left. It's been forever.

Lorelai: How do you know Jess's writing?
Rory: Oh, well, I lent him a book, and he wrote some stuff in it.
Lorelai: He vandalized one of your books?
Rory: No, he didn't vandalize it, he wrote in the margins, thoughts and stuff.
Lorelai: What, like, "play basketball, eat a sandwich", stuff like that?
Rory: No, like margin stuff. People like Mark Twain wrote in margins.
Lorelai: "Pilot a steamboat, write Huckleberry Finn".

Lorelai: How was your day?
Rory: I got an 'A' on my Physics test, finished Candide, and convinced a boy that Paris wouldn't attack his rabbi.
Lorelai: So, uneventful.
Rory: Pretty much.

Lane: Sales.
Rory: It's just a stupid test.
Lane: "Lane Kim, you have shown a genuine aptitude for sales."
Rory: It doesn't mean anything.
Lane: "Hello, ma'am, I see you're eyeing the new Whip-o-Matic. This baby's right off the truck. And let me tell you, if you're looking something to fulfill your whipping needs, you've come to the right place. As Devo says: 'If there's a problem, you must whip it with a Whip-o-Matic.'"
Rory: Wow, you are good.
Lane: Stop it.
Rory: I'll take two.

Michel: Here, and here.
Lorelai: What?
Michel: Cleaning supplier, there. Here-
Lorelai: That's the?
Michel: Staff insurance forms. Initial here. Date it here.
Lorelai: And I just...
Michel: You just okayed the vaccination of all those filthy ducks in the south pond.
Lorelai: Oh, very nice.
Michel: Yes, a regular Dr. Dolittle.

Paris: I'm sorry, group leader, could you ask the Pigeon Sisters if there is a point to this opus?

Paris: The average teenager spends seven hours a day at school. Seven hours where he or she is busy walking from class to class indoors, outdoors, in all types of weather. At the same time, that same teenager is going through major physical changes within his or her own body. The combo of the action with the environment in addition to the hormonal imbalance can only lead to one thing: Accidents.
Madeline: What are you talking about?
Paris: Monday morning, Muffin wakes up and looks in the mirror. "Oh, no, I have a zit on my face. I'll just look down when I walk so Hunky Football Player won't notice. And, bam, Muffin smacks right into the cafeteria wall. That's got to hurt."
Madeline: Who's Muffin?
Paris: This is why I'm proposing manufacturing something that no teenager should be without. A first-aid kit.
Louise: A first-aid kit? Specially designed to fit in a locker with minimum space disruption. Band-aids, antiseptic, cotton balls, Q- tips, ace bandages, aspirin.