Lorelai: I'm keeping what I need.
Luke: You need an episode of Magnum P.I. from 1986?
Lorelai: Of course not. That tape is mislabeled. That's a Knots Landing from 1981. All the women are held hostage at gunpoint during Ginger's baby shower. Classic.
Luke: 21 Jump Street Season 1. You do not need this.
Lorelai: I need my Jump Street.
Luke: So buy the DVDs. It'll save you a ton of space.
Lorelai: No, the DVDs won't have the commercials on them. The original commercials, which is half the fun.
Spuds Mackenzie, Clara Peller, "Nothing comes between me and my Calvins." I mean, they don't make them like that anymore.
Luke: You're gonna be one of those weird old people who hoards empty film canisters and laundry measuring scoops.
Lorelai: Uh, gonna be?

Lorelai: Oh, look at that. America's Castles, the special Florida edition. Seen it five times, keeping it.
Luke: One thing.
Lorelai: Oh, The History of Paper, a documentary by Ted Burns, distant relative of Ken Burns. Oh, seven hours, dull, dull, dull. Keeping it!
Luke: I'm not going up.
Lorelai: Good. Please Don't Eat the Daisies, seasons two and four. I've been looking for this.

Lorelai: Okay, room 5 just checked out, so let's give that to Jackson's sister Adele. Put Ccousin Rachel in room 3 and Aunt Pat and Uncle Rusty in room 6. Okay, that's two people in room 6. Aunt Pat and Uncle Rusty, they're gonna need two keys.
Michel: I gave them one. They can share. It's the least the freeloading hicks can do.
Lorelai: They're not freeloading hicks. They're our guests.
Michel: They are moochers. They go supermarket-hopping to gorge themselves on free samples and get their perfume from magazine inserts. You can recognize them from the paper cuts on their wrists.
Sookie: Oh, Jackson not here yet?
Michel: No, but his family's arrival is imminent, so I'm off to nail the furniture to the floor.

Reverend Skinner: So, tell me, what are your religious affiliations?
Lorelai: Oh, well, reverend, you've known us forever.
Reverend Skinner: Well, yes, I have, and I still have no idea what your religious affiliations are.
Lorelai: Oh. Well... we're a bit lapsed.
Reverend Skinner: Yes. From?
Lorelai: Well, um religion. But, you know, I can't speak for Rory, but I have a strong belief in good, you know, over evil. I mean, if I was asked to choose a side.
Rory: I read The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.
Lorelai: I have a bible, though I may have accidentally given it to Goodwill because I'm remodeling. But Goodwill is a religious organization... I think. But even if it's not, good will, it's in the ballpark.
Rory: I buy tons of girl-scout cookies.
Lorelai: I have two "Mary is my homegirl" t-shirts.

Lorelai: Luke, going up there is like busting into an operating room in the middle of a heart transplant, you know, and getting mad at the surgeon because the guy's heart is on the outside. And you're like, "Hey, his heart should be in his chest." And the surgeon's like, "Dude, I'm not done yet. Get out of the operating room!"

Lorelai: Hey, uh, help. Fire, fire. We're on fire down here. Help. Flames crackling, marshmallows toasting. Save us.
Luke: What are you doing yelling "fire"? You can't do that.
Lorelai: No, that only pertains to movie theaters, crowded ones. If you're watching a Wednesday matinee of Deuce Bigalow, you can yell "fire" all you want. Hell, you can start a fire, and no one will complain.

Lorelai: Hey, I've been looking for this. Check it out.
Luke: Riding the Bus with My Sister.
Lorelai: Rosie O'Donnell plays a retarded woman who's obsessed with riding the bus, and Andie MacDowell is her uptight, big-city sister.
Luke: Sister?
Lorelai: Yeah, and it gets better. In the ads I saw, the Rosie character was calling herself the sheriff and bragging about her sex life and buying toilet seats. And Anjelica Huston directed it. Maerose directed it.
Luke: Okay, fine. Watch it tonight after I leave. Then you can dump it tomorrow.
Lorelai: You kidding? You don't just sit down and watch a movie like this. This is a Friday-night special. I'd have to have takeout, pizza, red vines, mallomars... the works. Plus, there's no way I would watch this by myself. This is exactly the kind of movie I would watch with someone... Someone else, you know?

Sookie: A bath? A baptism is nothing like taking a bath!
Jackson: I'm not saying it's a bath! I'm just saying if you don't believe in the religious aspect of it, then it's like a bath. As simple and as brief as a bath.
Lorelai: Coffee.
Sookie: It is so not like taking a bath! When you take a bath, there are candles and water-warped Entertainment Weeklys to read and soap. There are not people standing around praying over you, at least not when I take a bath.
Lorelai: Who's getting baptized?
Sookie: Oh, our kids are, because apparently we're suddenly super-religious.

Jackson: Sookie, look at the baptism as a bargaining chip. If we give my mother this, then it'll soften the blow when she finds out that we're not having any more children because of the vasectomy.
Sookie: They'll want to stay at the house if we have this baptism. Your whole family.
Jackson: We'll just have to make room.
Sookie: How? The house is barely big enough for us and the kids. I mean, we'll end up sleeping on a leaky air mattress in the kids' room and getting horrible creaks in our neck while your mother blasts her Flatt and Scruggs CD. And your cousins are gonna be picking their teeth with my Rada paring knives.
Jackson: Oh, like your family is so easy! What about the time we had to see your stuttering cousin Odell in the worst production of Nicholas Nickleby known to man?! That was like nine hours of pure hell! And did I get to fake a heart attack during intermission? No.
Sookie: I'm sorry. There is a difference between nine hours and three full days. There's 48 hours plus 24, whatever that is, minus 9 hours. What does that equal? 40, so that's... 8 and 4 and that's 2 and 10 over.
Lorelai: Whoa! Whoa! Sookie, don't do math. You know that hurts your head.

Sookie: Luke, Luke, Luke, look, look, look. Luke, Luke, Luke, look, look, look. That's kind of funny. It just came out.
Luke: Sookie, I'm working.
Sookie: I know. I just came by to show you this.
Luke: What's that?
Sookie: This is a vintage cake-topper. Porcelain bisque, hand-painted I think in the 1940s. Shoulder pads on the shoulders. I found it at a flea market this morning. It's perfect.
Luke: Perfect for what?
Sookie: For your and Lorelai's wedding cake.
Luke: Oh, well, that's nice.
Sookie: Nice? Nice? It's not nice, it's fate. Look. Perhaps this looks familiar. His butt. It's your butt. It's your butt, Luke. It's your butt.
Luke: Stop screaming, "It's your butt." People are eating.
Sookie: What are the odds of me finding a cake-topper with exactly your butt?