TV Quotes

Ross: How sad are we?
Joey: Yeah, I know.
Chandler: You know what? We're not sad. We're not sad. We're just not 21 anymore. You know? I'm 29 years old, damn it! I want to sit in a comfortable chair, watch TV and go to sleep at a reasonable hour.

Phoebe: I brought you some housewarming gifts. Salt, so your life always has flavor. Bread, so you never go hungry. And a scented candle for the bathroom. Because, well, you know.

Rachel: Did you or did you not tell him I was interested in a serious relationship?
Chandler: I did! I absolutely did.
Rachel: You idiot!
Chandler: I'm sure you're right. But why?
Rachel: You don't tell a guy that you're looking for a serious relationship. You don't tell the guy that. Now you scared him away.
Chandler: I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.
Rachel: You should never be allowed to talk to people.
Chandler: I know, I know!

Phoebe: I just had the worst anniversary ever.
Chandler: I doubt that. Tell her about us last year.
Monica: Well, I bought Chandler a $500 watch, and he wrote me a rap song.
Ross: Seriously?
Chandler: Word.

Rachel: So, Joey, what are you gonna do for us?
Joey: I will be doing a dramatic reading of one of Emma's books.
Rachel: Oh, okay. Which one?
Joey: Well, it's one of her favorites. "Riding the Storm Out: Coping With Postpartum Depression." Eeesh. "Love You Forever". Love You Forever, by Robert Munsch. Published by Firefly Books. Printed in Mexico. Ahem.
A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she held him, she sang, 'I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.'...
And while he rocked her, he sang: 'I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.'
Rachel: Oh, wow! That was amazing.
Ross: Thank you so much for that gift.
Chandler: I was not ready for this today.
Ross: Amazing. Amazing.

Rachel: I'm so happy and not at all jealous.
Phoebe: Oh, no. God, definitely not jealous.
Rachel: I mean, I'm probably 98% happy and maybe 2% jealous. And I mean, what's 2%? That's nothing.
Phoebe: Totally. I'm like 90-10.
Rachel: Yeah. Me too.

Joey: Come on, Rach, look turning 30 is not that big a deal.
Ross: Oh, really? Is that how you felt when you turned 30?
[flashback:]
Joey: Why, God, why? We had a deal. Let the others grow old, not me!

Phoebe: Hey, why isn't it "Spiderman"? Like Goldman, Silverman?
Chandler: Because it's not his last name.
Phoebe: It isn't?
Chandler: It's not, like, Phil Spiderman. He's a Spider-Man: You know, like, Goldman is a last name. But there's no Gold-Man.
Phoebe: Oh, okay. There should be a Gold-Man!

Rachel: The nights are the hardest. But then the day comes and that's every bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes again...
Monica: The days and nights are hard, I get it. Look, Rachel, I'm sorry. I have to start getting ready. I'm getting married today.
Rachel: I know. At dusk. That's such a hard time for me.

Ross: You were in Western Europe, and?
Joey: I was just outside of Barcelona, hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo. I was at the end of this path, and I came to a clearing and there was a lake. Very secluded. There were tall trees all around. It was dead silent. Gorgeous. And across the lake I saw a beautiful woman bathing herself. But she was crying.
Ross: Why?

Phoebe: Gunther, can I get a scone?
Gunther: Do you want anything?
Joey: You know what I want? I want a lot of things. I wanna be with the woman I love on Valentine's Day! And I want her to love me back. And I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that's never going to happen!
Gunther: We have red bagels.
Joey: Okay.

Rachel: What about you, Joe? What would you give up, sex or food?
Joey: I don't know, it's too hard.
Rachel: No, you gotta pick one.
Joey: Food. No, sex. Food. Sex. Food. Sex- I don't know. Oh, God, I want both. I want- I want girls on bread!

Ross: It is time for you to give your maid-of-honor speech.
Rachel: Oh, wait a minute. We haven't even prepared-
Ross: Go.
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay. Webster's Dictionary defines marriage as- Okay, no. Forget that! That sucks! Okay, never mind. Forget it. I met- I met Monica when we were just a couple of 6-year-olds, and became friends with Chandler when he was 25, although he seemed like a 6-year-old. Thank you. Thank you very much. I've known them separately and together. And to know them as a couple is to know that you are truly in the presence of love. So I would like to raise my glass to Monica and Chandler and the beautiful adventure they are about to embark upon together. I can think of no two people better prepared for the journey.

Chandler: Why don't you go up on stage, I'll get a picture of you doing the speech.
Ross: Okay. [glasses klinking] Will the owner of a 1995 Buick LeSabre please see the front desk? Your car is about to be towed.
Man: That's my car.
Ross: A '95 LeSabre?
Man: Yes.
Ross: A green LeSabre?
Man: Yes.
Ross: I'm sorry, I meant a blue LeSabre.
Man: Yes, green-blue.
Ross: Well, go. Go move it!

Rachel: Well, now that everybody has ordered, I would like to start the celebration and make a toast to Phoebe. She dropped her sock.
Phoebe: Aw. What?
Rachel: No. No, Emma dropped her sock.
Monica: Mom's here? I wanted to have lunch with her today. She told me she was out of town.
Rachel: Ross, she still has not noticed that the baby's sock is on the ground.
Phoebe: It's a good toast.
Rachel: Look, will you please get her attention?
Ross: Oh. Mommy? Mother. [mouths] Sock.
Phoebe: Oh, for God's sake. Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! Pick up the sock!

Joey: Where is the waitress? I'm starving.
Chandler: It's a buffet, man.
Joey: Oh, here's where I win all my money back!

Chandler: Okay, Janice. Hey, Janice. There's no way to tell you this. At least, there's no new way. I just don't think things are gonna work out.
Janice: That's fine.
Chandler: It is?
Janice: Uh-huh. Because I know that this isn't the end.
Chandler: Oh, no. You see, actually, it is.
Janice: No, it isn't. Because you won't let that happen. Don't you know it yet? You love me, Chandler Bing!
Chandler: Oh, no, I don't.
Janice: Well then ask yourself this. Why do we keep ending up together? New Year's, who invited who? Valentine's, who asked who into whose bed?
Chandler: I did, but-
Janice: You seek me out! Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn! Janice! Janice! You want me. You need me. You can't live without me. And you know it. You just don't know you know it. [kisses Chandler] See?
Chandler: Call me!

Rachel: Look. Claire forgot her glasses. She's going to really be needing these to keep an eye on that boyfriend. Who, from what I hear, needs to keep his stapler in his desk drawer, if you know what I'm talking about.
Monica: Hey, Rach, maybe your resolution should be to gossip less.
Rachel: What? I don't gossip.
[Chandler and Joey laugh]
Rachel: Maybe sometimes I find out things. Or I hear something and I pass that information on. You know, kind of like a public service. It doesn't mean I'm a gossip. I mean, would you cal Ted Koppel a gossip?
Monica: Well, if Ted Koppel talked about his coworkers' botched boob jobs, I would.
Rachel: Well, they were like this!

Phoebe: Je m'appelle Claude.
Joey: "Je des core bleu".
Phoebe: No. Okay, maybe if we just break it down. Okay, let's just try it one syllable at a time. Okay, so repeat after me.
Phoebe: Je.
Joey: Je.
Phoebe: m'a.
Joey: m'a.
Phoebe: pelle.
Joey: pelle.
Phoebe: Great, okay, faster.
Phoebe: Je.
Joey: Je.
Phoebe: m'a.
Joey: m'a.
Phoebe: pelle.
Joey: pelle.
Phoebe: Je m'apelle.
Joey: "Mi poo poo."

Joey: 'Sup? 'Sup, dude?
Chandler: Take whatever you want, just please don't hurt me.
Joey: So you playing a little PlayStation, huh? That's whack. PlayStation is whack. 'Sup with the whack PlayStation, 'sup?