Janice: Can I just say, I really admire what you're doing. Just raising her all alone.
Rachel: Oh, I'm not doing it alone. I have Ross.
Janice: Oh, sure. Now. But what happens when he meets somebody else and gets married?
Rachel: Well, then he gets a divorce. It's Ross.

Chandler: Should we tell Rachel there's an empty private room right next door to hers?
Monica: We could. Or we could have sex in it.
Chandler: Well, let me think about that. While I remove my pants.
Monica: Okay, mister. Fertilize me.
[nasal laughter]
Monica: Does that sound like Janice?
Chandler: If it's not, then there's two of them. And that would mean it's the end of the world.

Monica: He teaches a course on food criticism at The New School, so before we go to the movies, I want to go by there and make him try my bouillabaisse again. Oh, I can't wait to read the front page of the Post tomorrow: "Restaurant reviewer admits: 'I was wrong about Monica.'"
Chandler: The front page? You really do live in your own little world, don't you?

Joey: So you have a big work problem?
Rachel: Yeah. It's, uh- Yeah, it's, uh- You know, it's nothing.
Joey: Okay. So I think I'm gonna take off.
Rachel: No, wait, Joey, it is. It's something. It's- It's my boss.
Joey: Yeah?
Rachel: Yeah. And, uh- And my baby.
Joey: Yeah?
Rachel: My boss wants to buy my baby.
Joey: What? Oh, my God.
Rachel: I know, I told you, it's a really big problem.
Joey: He wants to buy your baby?
Rachel: Can you believe that?
Joey: That's crazy.
Rachel: That's what I told him.
Joey: How did this even happen?
Rachel: Well, I'll tell you. See, my boss and his wife, they can't have children, so- And then when we were at the Christmas party and he got drunk, he said to me, "Rachel, I want to buy your baby."
Joey: Man. When you said it was a problem about your boss and the baby, I figured it was something about maternity leave.
Rachel: Oh. Yeah. ... Yeah, that would have been a much simpler problem.

Rachel: Well, I haven't seen him since the night he told me how he, you know- I don't know, I think he's avoiding me. Why is that bagel on the floor?
Monica: We were playing a game.
Rachel: Ew. Was Chandler naked? Sort of like a ring-toss kind of situation?
Monica: Sure.
Chandler: What? No! No!
Rachel: All right, listen. If you see Joey, will you just tell him that? Tell him I miss him.
Monica: Okay. Did you hear that?
Joey: Yeah. That naked bagel game? Dude, I don't know. That's a pretty small hole.

Monica: I'm telling you, if you had some candles, and some bubbles, and some music, you would love it. It'd take all your stress away.
Chandler: Honey, it's 2:00 on Wednesday and I'm watching "Road Rules". How stressed do you think I am?

Phoebe: So do you really like it?
Monica: Are you kidding? I practically spent my entire childhood at the arcade. This was like my second favorite game.
Phoebe: Oh, really. What was your first?
Monica: I don't remember the name.
Chandler: Well, what did it do?
Monica: Well, you'd put a quarter in, pull some handles and you'd win, like, a candy bar or something.
Chandler: A vending machine?
Monica: Hey. Don't feel bad for me. I won every time!

Trudie: I'm Trudie. You must be Ben's mum.
Phoebe: Why else would I be here?
Trudie: Why don't you sit down?
Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Trudie: I gather Jack and Ben haven't been getting along lately. I'm sure there are two sides to this story, but all I've heard is that Ben's a bit of "poo-poo-head."
Phoebe: Uh, I'm sorry. Won't Jack's father be joining us?
Trudie: Well, I'm sorry, Jack's father's not available.
Phoebe: Mm-hmm. Okay. Well then, could we reschedule for, say, Friday night, perhaps at 8:00?
Trudie: Oh, no. I know that wouldn't work. My husband's in concert.
Phoebe: Concert. Yeah. That does put us in quite a pickle. You see, I'm very busy before and after the concert, and he's obviously busy during.
Trudie: So, I guess you and I should talk about Jack and Ben right now.
Phoebe: Unless- Unless- Okay, I would be willing to go to the concert, all the while thinking about the children.
Trudie: Are you here for tickets?
Phoebe: Oh. Thank you. Four would be great.
Trudie: I'm not giving concert tickets to someone who'd use their son like this.
Phoebe: Oh, good. Then you're in luck. Ben's not my son.
Trudie: Look, I've just pressed a button triggering a silent alarm. Any minute now, the police will be here.
Phoebe: The Police? Here? A reunion?!

Rachel: Why don't you sit down? Dina has something she wants to tell you.
Joey: What's going on? Is it Mom? Is she sick? Is it Dad's heart? Is that a sandwich?
Dina: Joe, Mom and Dad are fine.
Joey: Is that a sandwich?!

Rachel: Oh, there's a picture of her in the yearbook, actually.
Phoebe: Wow.
Ross: She didn't photograph well.
Chandler: Well, she probably wasn't familiar with the process, having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings.