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47Quotes from ‘The One with the Videotape’

Friends: The One with the Videotape

804. The One with the Videotape

Aired October 18, 2001

When Ross and Rachel tell their friends about how they came to hook up, a disagreement over who came on to whom prompts Ross to reveal he has their encounter on a video tape.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: I still don't get why Greg and Jennie would give us a fake number.
Joey: You know, if they knew what they were doing, they didn't give you real names either.
Monica: Okay. Maybe people give out fake numbers, but they don't give out fake names.
Joey: Oh, yeah? Hi. Ken Adams. Nice to meet you.
Phoebe: Regina Phalange.

Quote from Ross

Kristen: This is great wine.
Ross: It's from France. In Europe. Western Europe. You know, a few years ago, actually, I was backpacking across Western Europe.
Kristen: Really?
Ross: Uh-huh. Wait, it gets better. Yeah, I was in Barcelona.
Kristen: I studied for a year in Barcelona.
Ross: Anyway, um, so I was hiking-
Kristen: I love hiking.
Ross: Oh, that's great! I was hiking along the foothills of Mount Tibidaybo-
Kristen: I think it's "Tibidabo."
Ross: Okay. Do you want to tell the story?!

Quote from Joey

Rachel: How do you know about that story?
Joey: How do you know about that story?
Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene, who heard it from some guy.
Joey: Some guy.
Rachel: No, no. She told me that his name was Ken Adams.
Joey: Ken Adams!

Quote from Joey

Ross: You were in Western Europe, and?
Joey: I was just outside of Barcelona, hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo. I was at the end of this path, and I came to a clearing and there was a lake. Very secluded. There were tall trees all around. It was dead silent. Gorgeous. And across the lake I saw a beautiful woman bathing herself. But she was crying.
Ross: Why?

Quote from Joey

Monica: Hello? 8th Street Deli?
Joey: Hey, hang up. You get food poisoning just talking to that place.
Monica: Sorry, wrong number.
Chandler: Here you go, babe.
Monica: Hello? It's the deli again!
Joey: All right, I'll have a sandwich.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: I don't think this number's right.
[Joey and Phoebe laugh]
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: You got fake-numbered.
Monica: What? People don't do that.
Joey: Oh, I think we do.
Monica: They gave us a fake number? Why would they do that?
Chandler: I don't know. You were a delight to talk to. You asked all those insightful, great questions.
Monica: And you've never been funnier. I mean, joke, joke, joke. You were a hoot.
Joey: You know what, don't worry about it. You still got me and Phoebe.
Phoebe: Excuse me, I don't want Greg and Jenny's rejects.

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: Rachel won't talk to me. She won't even open the door.
Phoebe: Hmm. I wonder why, pervert.
Ross: Okay, listen, I am not a pervert.
Phoebe: That's, like, the pervert motto. Yeah, they have you raise your right hand, put your left hand down your pants and repeat that.

Quote from Joey

Ross: Here's what happened. And Joey, you can back me up on this. All right, about a month and a half ago, remember I came to you with a problem? The personal thing?
Joey: Pers- What personal thing?
Ross: About- About sex? That I hadn't had sex in months?
Joey: Yeah, I knew what you were talking about.

Quote from Joey

Ross: I'm kind of going through a dry spell, sex-wise.
Joey: Oh, for, like, months?
Ross: Five, to be lying. Six.
Joey: Six months? Whoa, that's rough.
Ross: I mean, it's not all bad. I'm learning to appreciate the smaller things in life, like the sound of a bird and the color of the sky.
Joey: The sky's blue, Ross. And I had sex yesterday.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Oh, I got something. Okay, it's this story that I came up with. Very romantic. I swear, any woman that hears it, they're like putty.
Ross: Really? Okay, tell it to me.
Joey: Now, you're gonna want to have sex with me when you hear it. But you have to remember, it is just the story.
Ross: I'll try to control myself.
Joey: Okay. Years ago, when I was backpacking across Western Europe-
Ross: You were backpacking across Europe?
Joey: Have a nice six more months, Ross.

Quote from Ross

Joey: Whoa. What are you doing here? How'd your date go?
Ross: Great. I'm across the street having sex with her right now.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Your story sucks.
Joey: Hey, look. If the story didn't work, it's because you didn't tell it right. Show me how you did it.
Ross: No. No, I don't want to.
Joey: How long since you seen a girl naked?
Ross: I was backpacking across Western Europe-
Joey: I'm not feeling it.
Ross: I was just outside of Barcelona, hiking-
Joey: No, no, no, Ross. I'm not hot. Are you hot?
Ross: It's been six months. I'm always hot!

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Okay, in about 10 seconds, you're going to see him kiss me.
Ross: And in about 5 seconds, you're going to see why.
[on the videotape:]
Rachel: Ross, did I ever tell you about the time I went backpacking through Western Europe?
[present:]
Rachel: Okay. Get ready to see some begging.
Phoebe: Oh, you came on to Ross!
Rachel: What?
Ross: Now I'm so happy.
Rachel: What are you talking about?
Monica: You used the Europe story.
Chandler: That's the magic story you use when you want to have sex.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: You think it looked amazing?
Ross: I don't know. I mean, I honestly didn't watch it.
Rachel: Yeah, me neither. Yet.
Ross: Uh, that may be weird.
Rachel: Yeah, it would be really weird.
[Ross and Rachel get ready to watch the tape]
Ross: Good luck.
Rachel: Good luck to you.
Ross: Mind if I mute?
Rachel: Oh, please.
Ross: There go the clothes.
Rachel: You are undressing awfully quickly.
Ross: Six months, Rachel. Six months.

Quote from Rachel

Ross: We look pretty good.
Rachel: I was gonna say.
Ross: Ooh, nice tan.
Rachel: Thank you. I'd just gone to the beach that weekend. Have you been working out?
Ross: I have been working out.
Rachel: Well, this is so much better than I ever- Oh.
Ross: Eh. Oh, that's not pretty.
Rachel: Oh, oh. Oh God. Make it stop. Make it stop.

Quote from Joey

Ross: Yes, let's. You know what, it's not important. What's important is that we're having a baby. It doesn't matter who came on to who.
Joey: "Whom." That's right.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Oh, I'm sorry. Was that another joke?
Chandler: Was that another question?

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Now that Ross knows, can you tell us how it happened? When did it happen? How many times did it happen?
Phoebe: Monica, that's not right. Start with where.

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: I can't believe he taped the two of them having sex.
Joey: Yeah. You gotta tell a girl before you tape her. Such a rookie mistake.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: You know who has a great video camera?
Phoebe: Greg and Jenny?
Monica: Do you still want to call them? I want to call them.
Chandler: Let's call.
Joey: Yeah. Ask them if they brought their friends any souvenirs.

Quote from Joey

Ross: Do you have a minute? I'd like to talk to you about something I'm really uncomfortable talking about.
Joey: Sure. What? How about you showering with your mom?
Ross: I actually had a topic in mind.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Please help me. I have a date tonight and it has to go well. I'm scared for my health.

Quote from Joey

Ross: Hey, Joe, listen. If you ever have any problem with the ladies, you know I'll help you out.
Joey: [stifling laughter] That means a lot to me, man.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Can I get you anything? Lens cleaner? Your battery okay?

Quote from Chandler

Ross: When she came in, I totally forgot about the camera. It kept rolling and recorded everything.
Chandler: Yeah, we're gonna need to see that tape.

Quote from Monica

Chandler: I just don't get it. We didn't do anything wrong.
Monica: I know. Although you did tell an awful lot of jokes.
Chandler: I thought you said those jokes were funny. Joke, joke, joke!
Monica: Joke, joke, blah-blah.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Well maybe it was all of your questions.
Monica: What about my questions?
Chandler: The sheer volume. It was like flying with the Riddler.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Is Ross still here?
Joey: No, Rach, he's gone. But listen, he told us what happened and it does, it sounds like an honest mistake.
Rachel: Oh, really? How would you like it if I had sex with you and I taped it? Oh, forget it.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Oh, there he is now, the father of my child, the porn king of the West Village.

Quote from Rachel

Ross: It's Rachel's tape, and she can do whatever she wants with it. And she wants to destroy it, so end of story.
Rachel: I want to see it.
Ross: What?
Rachel: Clearly, you don't want people to see this tape. Now, I don't want people to see this tape, either. But you so badly don't want people to see it, that it makes me want to see it. Do you see?

Quote from Rachel

Ross: I don't want to see it for your sake.
Rachel: I don't believe you. I think you don't want them to see you begging me.
Ross: Rachel, please?
Rachel: Oh, a little preview.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Sweetie, it's okay. Everybody made it to the wedding. I'm fine.
Rachel: You're kind of hurting my hand though.
Monica: I know.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: I ca not believe that I did this. Especially after Monica just went on and on about it. "Okay, Rachel. Here are the invitations, Rachel. Be very careful, Rachel. Please no drinking liquids around the invitations, Rachel."

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Did you do it on our invitations?
Ross: Not on the ones we sent out.
Chandler: So just the ones you gave back to us and we had framed?

Quote from Ross

Rachel: So, apparently people are familiar with the Europe story?
Ross: Yeah. Listen, about that, the whole "who came on to who" thing really doesn't matter. I mean, I think it would have happened either way. If you hadn't initiated it, I know I would have.
Rachel: It was an amazing night.
Ross: It was. It was an amazing night.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Hello, Greg? This is Monica from the plane. Listen, the number that you gave me, 8-5-3-5- That is their old number. Jenny's been giving it out since they moved.
Chandler: Jenny. That is so Jenny.
Monica: Hey, listen, how would you like to get together, say, next Saturday? Okay, how about Sunday? Okay, the week after that? The week after that? You know what, Greg? We are good, interesting, funny people with good questions. And if you and your precious Jenny can't see that then- January 15? We'll see you then.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Come on, Ross, it'll be like watching the Discovery Channel, except we'll know the monkeys!

Quote from Joey

Ross: Look, I'm not gonna let you guys watch us. I haven't even seen it yet.
Joey: I'll trade you two tapes of me having sex.
Ross: Thanks, I'm good.

Quote from Monica

Chandler: Greg and Jenny's number is totally different in here.
Monica: I don't ask too many questions do I?
Chandler: No.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Absolutely not.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Oh God!

Quote from Monica

Chandler: Wait. Before we go in, I just want you to know that I love you. I had a great time on our honeymoon. I can't wait to go in there and spend the rest of our lives together.
Monica: You're sticking with the shell necklace, huh?

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: The best part is, we met this incredible couple on the flight.
Phoebe: That was the best part? Good honeymooning, tiger.

Quote from Joey

Monica: No, they're really cool. They were on their honeymoon too.
Chandler: They're terrific. And they live right here in the city.
Monica: Can we go call them? Is it too soon to call?
Chandler: Sorry. We're just kind of excited that we finally have a couple to hang out with.
Joey: A couple? Like two people? Like one, two people?

Quote from Monica

Monica: This is different. Greg and Jenny are in a relationship.
Phoebe: Ugh. Greg and Jenny? Ugh. "Hi, Greg. I'm Chandler. This is Monica." "Hi, Monica. This is Jenny." "Hi, Jenny. Hi, Greg."-[mutters]
Chandler: Listen, they are great. If you just got a chance to-
Joey: You know what? Why don't you just give us our souvenirs and get the hell out of here.
Chandler: We didn't get a chance to-
Phoebe: You've got to be kidding me!
Monica: We didn't get anything for anyone.
Joey: Mm-hm, yeah. Nice necklace.
Monica: That you can have.

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: Look, I have a sonogram picture.
Monica: Good.
Chandler: Ross, it's got your wavy, black lines.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Well, it happened about six weeks ago. And I had just got home from work and Ross was already there. I guess you'd been hanging out with Joey.
Joey: You're welcome, buddy.
Ross: Yeah, thanks.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: You know you kissed me first.
Ross: What? You were begging me to kiss you. You were sending me signals all other the place.
Rachel: I was sending you signals?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Oh, please. Okay. Anyone in this room that thinks that I would actually send Ross begging signals, please, show of hands. [nobody but Ross raises their hand]
Ross: It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what people believe. What matters is what happened.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Okay. So these signals, Ross, explain these to me. Because maybe I need to be more careful. I mean, am I sending you these signals right now?
Ross: You know what, Rachel? Just drop it.
Rachel: No, please. Show me how I begged you.
Ross: I can show you. I have it on videotape. It's an expression.

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