Rachel: Hey, Ross. How's it going with Charlie?
Ross: Oh, great. After I finish my wine I'm gonna blow my average-sized brains out.
Phoebe: What's the matter?
Ross: She only dates geniuses and Nobel Prize winners. Oh, my God, at the Chinese restaurant earlier today I put chopsticks in my mouth and pretended to be a woolly mammoth.
Rachel: I always loved that.
Ross: Of course you would. Your brains are smaller than mine!

Woman on Stage: I bet you're thinking that now would be a great time for an intermission, huh?
Chandler: Oh, yes. God, yes.
Woman on Stage: Well, you're not gonna get one. Because in life, there are no intermissions, people. Now, Chapter 7: Divorce is a Four-Letter Word. How could he leave me?!
Chandler: I don't know. You seem lovely.

Joey: Ross, this is one of my co-stars, Dirk. Dirk, this is my good friend Ross.
Ross: Nice to meet you.
Dirk: So, what show are you on?
Ross: Oh, I'm not an actor. I'm a professor of paleontology.
Joey: That's science.
Dirk: Hey, well, listen, I play a scientist on "Days. " Yeah, my character just won a Nobel Prize.

Phoebe: And I thought your paper on punctuated equilibrium in the Devonian Era was topnotch.
Ross: Stop going through my stuff!

Phoebe: Hey, thank you so much for these tickets, Chandler.
Chandler: This was a really important experience for me and I wanted to share it with you.
Monica: You're so wonderful.
Woman on Stage: Why Don 't You Like Me? Chapter 1: My First Period.
Chandler: I can't believe you guys bought that. Enjoy your slow death.

Charlie: Excuse me. I'm looking for someone. You don't, by any chance, know a Ross Geller?
Gunther: No.

Professor Spafford: And then my wife and I went on a cruise to the Galapagos. There was a seafood buffet you wouldn't believe. There were clams and mussels and oysters and cracked crab and snow crab and king crab. It's a pity I'm allergic to shellfish.
Ross: So where did you get your undergraduate degree?
Professor Spafford: And that's not all I'm allergic to.
Ross: Oh, it's not over.
Professor Spafford: I'm also allergic to peanuts and cashews and almonds and filberts-
Ross: So basically all nuts.
Professor Spafford: Interestingly, no.
Charlie: You're kind of playing it fast and loose with the word "interesting."
Professor Spafford: If you'll excuse me, I'm going to use the restroom.
Charlie: Oh, my God.
Ross: I've lost the will to live.

Joey: Hey, you guys? What are you doing tomorrow night?
Chandler: Oh, well, let me see. I believe I'm- Yes, falling asleep in front of the TV.
Joey: Well, my agent hooked me up with six tickets to a great play.
Chandler: I could fall asleep at a play.

Phoebe: What is it?
Joey: It's a one-woman play called: Why Don't You Like Me? A Bitter Woman's Journey Through Life.
Monica: That sounds interesting.
Ross: Yeah, that does sound interesting. I mean, to listen to a woman complain for two hours.
I don't think it gets bet-[snores]

Joey: Well, you guys are going to have a great time. I promise.
Ross: What? How come you don't have to go?
Joey: Well, I wish I could, but I found out that I have to be at work really early the next day, so I can't go. But, you know, take the extra ticket and invite whoever you want.
Chandler: Ooh. Let's see. Who do I hate?