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‘The One with the Lesbian Wedding’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Lesbian Wedding

211. The One with the Lesbian Wedding

Aired January 12, 1996

When Carol and Susan decide to get married, Monica is given the job of catering the ceremony. Meanwhile, Phoebe is inhabited by spirit of an 82-year-old client who died on the massage table, and Rachel's mother comes to town with a surprising announcement.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: She was, you know, 82-years-old and her name was Mrs. Adelman.
Monica: Oh, honey.
Phoebe: Yeah, it's just so strange. You know she probably woke up this morning and thought, "All right, I'll have some breakfast. And I'll take a little walk and I'll have have my massage." Little did she know God was thinking, "Okay, but that's it."

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Quote from Chandler

Chandler: [singing] Who's the bitterest man in the living room? The bitterest man in the living room? Hi, neighbor.

Quote from Phoebe

Joey: Oh, God. I can't believe you're so uptight about your mom coming.
Rachel: I know. It's just, it's the first time. I just don't want her to think that because I didn't marry Barry my life is total crap.
Phoebe: [As Mrs. Adelman] Talk about crap, try listening to Stella Neidman tell the story of her and Rod Steiger for the hundredth time.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: I just can't believe this is happening. When I was little, everybody's parents got divorced.
I figured as an grown up, I wouldn't have to worry about it.
Monica: Is there any chance you could look at this as flattering? I mean, she's doing it because she wants to be more like you.
Rachel: Well, then, you know, couldn't she have just copied my haircut?

Quote from Phoebe

Mr. Adelman: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Hi, Mr. Adelman. Nice to see you. Thanks for meeting me.
Mr. Adelman: That's okay. Although you did cut into my busy day of sitting.
Phoebe: Do you wanna sit?
Mr. Adelman: No, please, I spent most of mid-morning trying to stand up. Now, what can I do for you, my dear?
Phoebe: Okay, I don't know how to say this, but. I think when your wife's spirit left her body it kind of stuck around in me.
Mr. Adelman: You're saying my wife is in you?
Phoebe: Yeah. You don't have to believe me, but can you think of any unfinished business she had? Any reason to hang around?
Mr. Adelman: Well, I don't know what to tell you, dear. The only thing I can think of is that she always used to say that before she died, she wanted to see everything.
Phoebe: Everything?
Mr. Adelman: Everything.
Phoebe: Whoa, that's a lot of stuff.
Mr. Adelman: Oh, wait, l- I remember she also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time.
Phoebe: I'm sorry. There's laughing in my head.
Mr. Adelman: Worth a shot, huh?

Quote from Chandler

Joey: It just seems so futile. You know? All these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.
Chandler: Well, now you understand how I feel every single day, okay. The world is my lesbian wedding.

Quote from Phoebe

Minister: Nothing makes God happier than when two people, any two people, come together in love. Friends, family, we're gathered here today to join Carol and Susan in holy matrimony.
Phoebe: [as Mrs. Adelman:] Oh, my God. Now I've seen everything! Whoa, she's gone. She's gone. She's gone. Go ahead, get married. Go, go.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: Ooh, she's pretty.
Joey: And she's really nice, too. She taught me about how to work with the cameras and smell-the-fart acting.
Rachel: I'm sorry, what?
Ross: Excuse me?
Joey: It's like you got so many lines to learn so fast that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you're thinking you take this big pause where you look all intense. Like this:
All: Okay.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: God, this is so hard. I can't decide between lamb or duck.
Chandler: Well, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise the movie would've been called Silence of the Ducks.

Quote from Ross

Susan: Ahem.
Carol: Oh, right. I've got some news. It's about us.
Ross: You and me?
Carol: Uh, no. Susan and me.
Susan: The other "us."
Carol: We're getting married.
Ross: As in, "I now pronounce you wife and wife" married?

Quote from Ross

Carol: Anyway, we'd like you to come. But we totally understand if you don't want to.
Ross: Why wouldn't I want to come? I had fun at the first wedding.

Quote from Joey

Ross: I can't believe it. You're really going to be on television.
Joey: I know. It really hit me last night. I'm going to be on Days of our Lives. Then I started thinking about us, and how these are the days of our lives.

Quote from Joey

Monica: I thought you were over this.
Ross: That has nothing to do with it. She is my ex-wife, If she were marrying a guy, none of you would expect me to be there.
Joey: Hey, if she were marrying a guy, she'd be, like, the worst lesbian ever.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: All right, I gotta get to work. I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect.
Ross: No, no. No, that's me.
Chandler: Oh, right.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: Is everything okay?
Phoebe: Umm, no. Nuh-uh. One of my clients died on the massage table today.
Ross: Oh, my God.
Chandler: That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Oh, but the weirdest things was, okay, I was cleansing her aura when it happened. And when her spirit left her body I don't think it went very far.
Rachel: What do you mean?
Phoebe: I think it went into me. [Everybody steps away from Phoebe]

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Okay, who ordered what?
Ross: Oh, I believe I had the half-drunk cappuccino with the lipstick on the rim.
Chandler: Yes, and this with the cigarette butt in it, is that decaf?

Quote from Phoebe

Joey: Uh, Pheebs? How long do you think this lady will be with us?
Phoebe: I don't know. She obviously has some unfinished business. [to Chandler, as Mrs. Adelman] Sit up!

Quote from Mrs. Green

Mrs. Green: So, what do you think of my daughter, in the apron with the big job.
Rachel: Oh, Mom.
Mrs. Green: If you didn't pour the coffee, no one would have anything to drink.
Chandler: Believe me, sometimes that happens.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: [as Mrs. Adelman] I know who it is you remind me of. Evelyn Durmer. Of course, that's before she got the lousy face-lift. Now she looks like Soupy Sales. [laughs]
Joey: Pheebs? Who's Evelyn Durmer?
Phoebe: I don't know. Who's Soupy Sales?

Quote from Mrs. Green

Mrs. Green: Oh, my God. There's an unattractive nude man playing the cello.
Rachel: Yeah, well, just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.

Quote from Monica

Monica: All right, look, Ross. I realize you have issues with Carol and Susan, and I feel for you. I really do. But if you don't help me cook, I'm gonna take a bunch of those hot dogs and create a new appetizer called "Pigs In Ross."

Quote from Monica

Carol: I think we're calling off the wedding.
Monica: You're still gonna pay me, right? Or something a little less selfish.

Quote from Phoebe

[Classical music starts playing]
Phoebe: [unwraps a sweet, people look at her. As Mrs. Adelman:] Butterscotch? No one? All right, you'll be sorry later.

Quote from Joey

Joey: How's that pig-in-the-blanket working out for you? I wrapped those bad boys.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: I miss Rose.
Chandler: Oh, yeah?
Phoebe: I know it's kind of weird, but she was a big part of my life there. You know, I don't know, I feel kind of alone.
Woman: You know, I couldn't help overhearing what you just said. I think it's time for you to forget about Rose, move on with your life. How about we go get you a drink?
Phoebe: Okay. So nice.


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