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‘The One with the Joke’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Joke

612. The One with the Joke

Aired January 13, 2000

After Ross gets a joke printed in Playboy magazine, Chandler argues that he thought of the joke. Meanwhile, Joey reluctantly takes a job at Central Perk, and Phoebe offends Monica by saying would hypothetically choose to date Rachel over her.

Quote from Joey

Monica: Joey, do you work here?
Joey: No.
Guy: Waiter.
Joey: Yeah!

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Quote from Chandler

Rachel: I have a question: If one of you had to pick one of the other two guys to go out with, who would you pick?
Ross: No way.
Joey: I'm not answering that.
Chandler: Joey. No way, I'm not answering that.

Quote from Monica

Ross: You're not gonna believe this. I made up a joke and sent it in to Playboy. They printed it.
Phoebe: I didn't know Playboy prints jokes.
Ross: Yeah, they print jokes, interviews, hard-hitting journalism. It's not just about the pictures.
Monica: That didn't work on Mom, it's not gonna work on us.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Hey, check it out. It's the first one, too.
Chandler: That is funny. It was also funny when I made it up.
Ross: What?
Chandler: I made that joke up.
Ross: Um, oh oh, no, you didn't.
Chandler: Uh, uh, oh. Yes, I did. I told it to Dan at work and he said it was the funniest he'd joke ever heard.
Ross: Hey, tell Dan thanks.

Quote from Monica

Chandler: Monica, you remember me telling you that joke, right?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Seriously?
Monica: Well, you tell a lot of jokes.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: Did your cable go out?
Joey: No. No, that's VH1 . I gotta tell you, the music these kids listen to today, it's a lot of noise to me.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Hey, I got a question. If you had to pick one of us to date, who would it be?
Rachel: I don't know.
Monica: Me neither.
Phoebe: Rachel.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: I don't know. Me neither.

Quote from Gunther

Gunther: Well, if you want, you can work here.
Joey: I don't know. It's just... See, I was a regular on a soap opera, you know? And to go from that to this, it's just... And plus, I'd have to wait on all my friends.
Gunther: Okay. But the money's good. Plus, you get to stare at Rachel as much as you want.
Joey: What?
Gunther: Flexible hours.

Quote from Monica

Monica: She picked Rachel. She tried to back out of it, but it was obvious. She picked Rachel.
Chandler: He took my joke. He just took it.
Monica: This is wrong. You know what else is wrong? Phoebe picking Rachel.
Chandler: Know who else picked Rachel? Ross. You know what else Ross did? He stole my joke. You know what, I'm gonna get a joke journal, you know? And document the date and time of every single one of my jokes.
Monica: Good idea. You know what's a bad idea?
Chandler: Picking Rachel.
Monica: That's right.

Quote from Monica

Phoebe: Okay, the reason I was leaning a little bit more toward Rachel than you is just, you know, you're high maintenance. Okay, let's go to lunch.
Monica: That is completely untrue. You think I'm high maintenance? Okay, prove it. I want you to write out a list, and we're going to go through it point by point.
Phoebe: No, you're right, you're easygoing.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: You think I'm a pushover. Well, watch this. You're not invited to lunch. What do you think? Pretty strong, I think. Come on, Monica, let's go to lunch.
Monica: You start working on that list.
Rachel: I cannot believe her.
Monica: I know. Where do you want to eat?
Rachel: Oh, I love that Japanese place.
Monica: Ugh, I'm sick of Japanese. We're not going there.
Rachel: Okay. Well wherever you want to go is cool.

Quote from Gunther

Ross: Oh, hey, Gunther, check this out.
Gunther: [laughing] Oh, yeah, that Chandler cracks me up.

Quote from Joey

Monica: Joey, what are you doing?
Joey: Just being friendly.
Rachel: Joey, honey, I don't think you're supposed to go back there.
Joey: No, no. It's okay. Right, Gunther? [Joey winks]
Gunther: Don't wink at me. And put on your apron.
Joey: Okay. I don't see you asking other paying customers to put on aprons.

Quote from Joey

Monica: Joey, what's going on? Why didn't you tell us you work here?
Joey: It's kind of embarrassing, you know. I mean, I was an actor, now I'm a waiter. It's supposed to go in the other direction.
Chandler: So's your apron. You're wearing it like a cape.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: I think it's great that you work here. You're gonna make a lot of money. And here's your first tip. Don't eat yellow snow. [laughs, writes joke down] 2:15 Coffeehouse.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hey, look, you guys are just terrific, you know? So how about clearing out so I can get some new customers? It's all about turnover.
Ross: Joey. Seriously, can I get my coffee?
Joey: Oh, I'm sorry, Ross. I'll get it for you right now. And since I made you wait, I'll toss in a free muffin.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: So, maybe I am a little high maintenance. And maybe Rachel is a little bit of a pushover. But you know what we both decided you are?
Rachel: Yes, we are very sorry to tell you this, but you, Phoebe, are flaky.
Monica: Ha!
Phoebe: That's true, I am flaky.
Rachel: So, what, you're just okay with being flaky?
Phoebe: Yeah, totally.
Monica: Then I'm okay with being high maintenance.
Rachel: Yeah. And I am okay with being a pushover.
Phoebe: That's great. Good for you guys.
Monica: I am not high maintenance!
Rachel: I am not a pushover!
Phoebe: Who said you were?
Monica and Rachel: You did!
Phoebe: I'm flaky. I'll say anything.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hey, Gunther. Can you cover for me? I just got an audition.
Gunther: No, I'm leaving to get my hair dyed.
Joey: Really? I like your natural color.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Oh, man. I could totally get that part. "I'm sorry, this seat is taken."
Guy: Oh, sorry. Excuse me.
Joey: No, I didn't mean you. But you believed me, huh?
Guy: I believed you were saving this seat for someone.
Joey: So you'd hire me, right?
Guy: For what?
Joey: Exactly. All right, everybody listen up. The coffeehouse is going to be closed for about an hour.
All: What?
Joey: Yeah, it's for the kids. Yeah, to keep the kids off drugs. It's a very important issue in this month's Playboy. I'm sure you all read about it.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: I can't be fair. You're my boyfriend.
Ross: Yes, but I'm your brother. We're family. That's the most important thing in the world.
Chandler: Don't try to sway her. I'm your only chance to have a baby.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Hey, it's Phoebe and Rachel. Why don't you tell them what you were telling me earlier about me not being high maintenance.
Chandler: Monica is a self-sufficient, together lady. Being with her has been like being on a vacation. And what may be perceived as high maintenance is merely attention to detail and ... [Monica whispers] generosity of spirit.
Rachel: Wow. You know what? That is the best fake speech I think I've ever heard.
Phoebe: Really? I've heard better.
Monica: Wait. Wait, he came up with that himself. Tell them, Chandler.
Chandler: I'm out of words. Should I just say the whole thing again?

Quote from Monica

Monica: Look, I am not high maintenance! I am not. Chandler!
Chandler: You're a little high maintenance.
Monica: [gasps] You are on my list.

Quote from Monica

Chandler: Look, I'm sorry, but you're not- You're not easygoing, but you're passionate.
And that's good. And when you get upset about little things, I think that I'm pretty good at making you feel better. And that's good too. So they say you're high maintenance but it's okay, because I like ... maintaining you.
Monica: I didn't even tell him to say that.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: All right, you're off my list.
Chandler: I'm off the list.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Well, how did you lose your job here?
Joey: Well, I had the audition but Gunther said I had to stay here and be in charge so he could get his hair dyed. So I went anyway, and he fired me.
Rachel: He left work in the middle of the day to do a personal errand and left you in charge when you've been working here for two days? That's not right.
Joey: What are you gonna do?
Rachel: Joey, you can't let him get away with that. You know what, I'm not going to let him get away with that. I'm gonna say something to him. No, I really shouldn't say anything. No, I should say something to him. Gunther? I want you to give Joey his job back. That is really not fair that you have to fire him-
Gunther: Okay.
Rachel: What?
Gunther: He can have his job back.
Rachel: That's right, he can have his job back. Glad we got that all straightened out.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Gunther? I can't pay now, because I'm not working. I've had to cut down on some luxuries like ... paying for stuff, so...


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