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27Quotes from ‘The One with the Hypnosis Tape’

Friends: The One with the Hypnosis Tape

318. The One with the Hypnosis Tape

Aired March 13, 1997

Rachel buys Chandler a hypnosis tape to get him to stop smoking. Meanwhile, Monica is asked out by a customer at the diner, and Phoebe freaks out when her 18-year-old brother announces he's marrying an older woman.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Think about it. You're 18, okay? She's 44. When you're 36, she's going to be 88.
Frank: What, you don't think I know that?

Quote from Gunther

[Chandler smoking as he enters Central Perk]
Gunther: Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no. There's none of that in here.
Chandler: Oh, come on, at least let me finish this last one.
Gunther: Okay, but only if you give me a drag.
Chandler: Okay.
Gunther: Oh oh, dark mother. Once again I suckle at your smoky teat.
Chandler: No, no. Why don't you hold on to that one?

Quote from Joey

Recorded Female Voice: Cigarettes don't control you. You are a strong, confident woman who does not need to smoke.
[CLICK]
Joey: Joey's your best friend. You want to make him a cheese sandwich every day. And you also want to buy him hundreds of dollars worth of pants.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Come on, it's a hypnosis tape. This woman at work used it for two weeks straight and she hasn't smoked since.
Ross: Huh.
Rachel: What's your problem?
Ross: Nothing. It's just that hypnosis is beyond crap.
Rachel: Ross, I watched you get hypnotized in Atlantic City.
Ross: Hey, that guy did not hypnotize me, okay?
Rachel: Right, because you always pull your pants down on the count of three and play "Wipe Out" on your butt cheeks.

Quote from Phoebe

Alice: You know, it's funny. Frank's told me so much about you, but you're not how I pictured you at all.
Phoebe: Yeah. I'm a big surprise.

Quote from Chandler

Recorded Female Voice: You are falling fast asleep. Deeper, deeper, deeper. You are now completely asleep. You don't need to smoke. Cigarettes don't control you. You are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke. A strong, confident woman.

Quote from Rachel

Monica: And you know what? I just realized in the last year, I've only gone out with two guys: Richard and Julio. You got to help me out. You gotta set me up. Get me back in the game.
Rachel: Well, that shouldn't be a problem. I mean, I work in fashion, and all I meet are eligible straight men.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Pete, can I get you something else?
Pete: I'll have a slice of cheesecake and a date, if you're giving them out.
Monica: Heh. Haven't you and I covered that topic?
Pete: Come on. You just said to her-
Monica: You only want to go out with me because of my wig, and the big boobs, and the fact that I serve you food.
Pete: Well, if that were true, I'd be dating my Aunt Ruth. And the two times we went out, it was just plain awkward.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Well, I mean, are you sure you want to go out with her? That ain't a pretty picture in the morning, you know what I mean? That wig all in disarray, and boobs flung over the nightstand.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: No, I know, I know that this is Frank's life, you know? I don't want to be all judgmental, but this is sick. It's sick and wrong!
Ross: Pheebs, what is it the age thing?
Phoebe: No, no. I'm fine with the age thing, until it starts sticking its tongue down my little brother's throat.

Quote from Phoebe

Joey: Pheebs, he seems to enjoy it.
Phoebe: But do you think he's going to enjoy it when he's up to his elbows in the diapers of all the babies they have to have right away? This is not fair to Frank, and it's not fair to the babies.
And you know what? It's not good home economics.

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: Look, Pheebs, if you don't tell him, soon he's going to be married, and then you're going to hate yourself.
Phoebe: Yeah, but if I do tell him, then he's going to hate myself.

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: Hey, how are those tapes working out for you?
Chandler: Pretty good.
Rachel: Good.
Chandler: I haven't smoked yet today. I feel great and confident that is a stunning blouse.

Quote from Ross

Phoebe: You're Frank's best man?!
Joey: I couldn't help it. Their love is so pure.
Phoebe: Well, what about you, huh?
Ross: I'm the ring bearer.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Seriously what is this supposed to mean?
Pete: Well, you know, I never know how much to tip.
Monica: You're supposed to double the tax, not double the tax of Romania.

Quote from Phoebe

Frank: Alice, uh she, uh, called it off.
Phoebe: Oh, no. Did- Did she say why?
Frank: Uh, no, not really. Just that I was too young, you know. But I don't see how I could all of a sudden be too young, 'cause I'm older than I was when we first got together.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Now, is that enough lira?
Pete: Uh, I'd throw another thousand on that.
Monica: Well, how much is that?
Pete: That's about 60 cents.

Quote from Joey

[Joey laughing]
Monica: What's so funny?
Joey: Oh, nothing. It's an acting exercise. I'm practicing my fake laugh.
Monica: Oh. [LAUGHING]
Joey: What? What's so funny?

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: All right. Forget hypnosis.The way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather, and then bathe in the sweat of six healthy young men.
Chandler: Or what my father calls Thursday night.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: You know, I would have bet good money that he'd be the first one of us to get married.
Phoebe: Isn't it fantastic?
Monica: Yeah, but don't you think he's a little young to get married?
Phoebe: Well, he's 18.
Ross: Exactly. It will be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.
Joey: Yeah, or to get a hooker.
Chandler: Always illegal, Joe.

Quote from Chandler

Frank: I was in her Home Ec class.
Alice: And he was my best student.
Frank: Yeah, she was my best teacher.
[Frank and Alice passionately kiss]
Chandler: If that doesn't keep kids in school, what will?

Quote from Phoebe

Joey: Well, have you told him how you feel?
Phoebe: Yes. Not out loud.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: I think you should definitely go out with this guy.
Monica: Nah. He just doesn't do anything for me.
Rachel: Monica, last Saturday night, what happened on "Walker, Texas Ranger"?
Monica: Well, um, Walker was looking for this big busload of kids. He was- All right, I get your point.

Quote from Ross

Joey: Look, the point is, there's a lot of women out there you haven't even had sex with yet.
Ross: Yeah, he's right. He's right. This is your time, you know? You're young, you're weird ... chicks dig that.

Quote from Joey

Frank: Okay, but isn't sex better when it's with one person that you really, really care about?
Joey: Yeah, in a poem, maybe.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Okay, okay, just because he buys you dinner does not mean you owe him anything.
Monica: Okay.
Chandler: Okay, then get the lobster.

Quote from Joey

Joey: So, we're walking down the street, and I turn to you and I say: "Hey, let's go hang out at Totally Nude Nudes." Remember? And then, heh, you turn to me and say, "Let's just hang out at your place." Well, that was a nice move, dumb-ass.


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