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‘The One with the Free Porn’ Quotes

Friends: The One with the Free Porn

417. The One with the Free Porn

Aired March 26, 1998

Chandler and Joey are delighted when their TV serves up an unscrambled porn channel. Meanwhile, Phoebe tries to earn more money after a surprising pregnancy development, and Monica convinces Ross to tell Emily he loves her.

Quote from Joey

Mr. Treeger: [o.s.] Oh, man!
Joey: What's that?
Chandler: Treeger's snaking the shower drain.
Mr. Treeger: [o.s.] What in the name of hell?
Joey: Hey, maybe he found your flip-flop.

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Quote from Ross

Monica: Hey, cheer up. I mean, you're gonna see her again, right?
Ross: I don't know. Whenever I brought it up, she said [in a British accent] "This is so fantastic. Why do we have talk about the future? Let's just enjoy"-
Monica: Don't do the accent.

Quote from Phoebe

Doctor: Have we talked about the possibility of multiple births?
Phoebe: Why don't we just take care of this one and should l get pregnant again, I'll hold onto your card, okay?

Quote from Phoebe

Doctor: No, I'm getting three separate heartbeats.
Phoebe: Three? You guys were worried I wouldn't even have one.
Doctor: Doctors are wrong all the time.
[Phoebe scoffs]
Rachel: Well, so are you sure that there are three?
Doctor: Definitely.
Phoebe: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! So in a few months, I'm going to have three full-grown babies just walking around inside me? Oh, oh. It's going to be like one of those log rides when they come shooting out.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Think about it. It's a taxi that people take when they need to relax.
Rachel: It's a Relaxi-Taxi!
Phoebe: The name was my favorite part.
Rachel: Well, I came up with it.
Phoebe: You did not! No, you came up with Relaxi-Cab. That's not good.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Is this porn? What did I do? I must have hit something on the remote.
Chandler: Do we pay for this?
Joey: No, we didn't even pay our cable bill. Maybe this is how they punish us.
Chandler: Maybe we shouldn't pay our phone bill. Free phone sex.
Joey: Maybe we shouldn't pay our gas bill.

Quote from Joey

Mr. Treeger: Hey, that lady's all kinds of naked.
Chandler: Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just came on.
Mr. Treeger: Yeah. It happened to me once. It was like finding money.
Chandler: Like finding money with naked people on it.
Mr. Treeger: But then I made the mistake of turning off the TV. I never got it back again. And now I'm sad.
Joey: Why would he turn off the TV?

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: You know, do we really have to watch this while we eat?
Chandler: No, no, no, no, no. We don't know what could make this go away.
Joey: Yeah. So no one touches the remote, and no one touches the TV.
Chandler: And no one touches the air around the TV.
Joey: Imagine a protective porn bubble, if you will.
Monica: I'm at least going to mute it.
Joey: No, no, no-
Chandler: We still have porn.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Oh, God. I'm too pregnant for this lugging around a stupid massage table. I need to get a job where I carry a smaller table.
Chandler: Or a job where you don't carry a table.
Phoebe: You mean, like a doctor?

Quote from Monica

Monica: You've got to see her again.
Ross: Why do you care?
Monica: Because. You could live out my fantasy.
Ross: You had fantasies about Emily?
Monica: No. You know, the fantasy. Meet someone from a strange land, fall madly in love and spend the rest of your lives together.
Ross: Is that why in junior high you were the only one who hung out with that Ukrainian kid?
Monica: Yeah, that. Plus his mom used to put sour cream on everything.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Then you two can sneak into the cockpit. Things will start to heat up. And then a stewardess comes in... I've been watching too much porn.

Quote from Phoebe

Doctor: Actually, giving birth to three babies is not that different to giving birth to one.
Phoebe: What do you know?

Quote from Phoebe

Alice: No, no, no. It's going to be fine because I teach home ec and I can have 30 kids making baby clothes all year long. You know, it'll be like my very own little sweatshop.
Frank: You know, I've been thinking, ever since you said we're going to have triplets, the best thing for me to do is drop out of college and get a job.
Alice: No, Frank.
Phoebe: No, you can't quit college. No. You're in college, really?
Frank: Yeah, refrigerator college. When we found out we were having a baby I figured I should have, like, a career, you know? And I love refrigerators.
Phoebe: You can't give up on your dream.
Frank: No, it's okay. We're going to have three kids. And that's a different kind of dream. Three kids and no money.

Quote from Ross

Ross: I've been thinking. I'm just going to come out and say it, okay? I think I love you.
Emily: Thank you.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: You know who doesn't even like dirty movies? My boyfriend Joshua.
Joey: Yeah, right.
Rachel: No, he told me he prefers to leave certain things to the imagination.
Chandler: Oh, oh, yeah. Did he also say that the dialogue was corny? And that he actually found it funny, not sexy?
Rachel: Yes.
Joey: Yeah, he likes porn.

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: I need to make money fast. I wanted to talk to you about an idea. You work for a big company. Insider trading. What information is there that can you give me?
Chandler: Actually, they don't really talk to us about that stuff. But I can get you free White-Out, though.

Quote from Ross

Monica: Did you do what I said?
Ross: I did.
Monica: And what'd she say?
Ross: "Thank you."
Monica: You're totally welcome. What'd she say?
Ross: She said, "Thank you." I said, "l love you." And she said, "Thank you."

Quote from Joey

Ross: What do I do now?
Joey: You play hard-to-get.
Ross: She already lives in London.
Joey: So you go to Tokyo.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Phoebe, they didn't make you pay for those knives did they?
Phoebe: No.
Monica: Are you sure?
Phoebe: No.

Quote from Joey

Monica: You have to go to London.
Ross: What?
Monica: You have to go fight for her.
Joey: Oh, yeah, sure. That makes sense. Because you already told her you loved her and she didn't say it back. Then she called you and told you there was another guy. So yeah. Go to London. That'll scare her!

Quote from Joey

Joey: Ross, if you're going to the airport, can you pick me up another one of those Toblerone bars?

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: You know how people need transportation but they also need massages to relax. So I just figured we can combine the two. I give massages and Frank drives. I can fix up the van, bolt a table in the back, and you know what I've got?
Chandler: A place that no one will ever get out of alive?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Tell him about Relaxi-Taxi. And ask him if he likes it better than Relaxi-Cab.
Rachel: It's not Relaxi-Cab. It's Relaxi-Cab. Like Taxi-Cab.
Phoebe: Ooh, that is better.

Quote from Ross

Emily: Ross, I love you.
Ross: Thank you.

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: Now, don't you hate when you have to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife? Now, I know what you're thinking.
Chandler: Pregnant woman slays four?


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