Joey: Where have you been?
Ross: I just got back from the vet.
Chandler: She's not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she?

Ross: The vet said unless he's in a place where he has regular access to some monkey loving he's just gonna get vicious. I just gotta get him into a zoo.
Joey: How do you get a monkey into a zoo?
Chandler: I know that one. No, that's popes into a Volkswagen.

Joey: You know, there already is a Joseph Stalin.
Chandler: You're kidding.
Joey: Apparently, he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You'd think you would've known that.
Chandler: You know, you'd think I would have.

Fake Monica: Monica, I started my day by peeing in front of 25 other women and you're worried about who'll take you to the circus?
Monica: Well, not worried, you know, just wondering.
Fake Monica: There's nothing to wonder about, Monica. You're going to go back to being exactly who you were because that's who you are.
Monica: Not necessarily.
Fake Monica: Yes, necessarily. I mean, I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the Amish thing.
Monica: I'm not actually Amish.
Fake Monica: Really? Then why are you like that?

Ross: Well, we're applying to a lot. Naturally, our first choice would be a big state zoo. Like San Diego. Right? But that may just be a pipe dream because, you know, he's out-of-state. My vet knows someone at Miami, so that's a possibility.
Chandler: Yeah, but that's like two blocks away from the beach. It's a total party zoo.

Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.
Monica: That's me.

Rachel: Ugh, Monica, you are not still going over that thing.
Monica: This woman's living my life.
Rachel: What?
Monica: She's living my life, and she's doing it better than me. Look at this. Look. She buys tickets to plays that I wanna see. She buys clothes at stores where I'm intimidated by the salespeople. She spent $300 on art supplies.
Rachel: You're not an artist.
Monica: Yeah, well, I might be if I had the supplies.

Ross: Are you insane? This woman stole from you. She stole. She's a stealer.
Monica: After you're with this woman for 10 minutes, you forget that. I mean, she's this astounding person with this amazing spirit.
Ross: Yeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader.

Ross: See, I don't know who this is harder on, me or him.
Phoebe: I'd say that chair's taking the brunt of it.

Chandler: How about Joey Paponi?
Joey: No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.
Chandler: Joey Switzerland?