Mike: You know what? I just realized something. I don't want to go home.
Phoebe: Great. Okay, I'll go get the tube top.

Monica: Listen, I need to know that what I'm about to ask you will never get back to Chandler.
Joey: I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it myself. But Chandler is my best friend.
It would be wrong. Good, but wrong.
Monica: Okay, first of all, it would be great. But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about.

Monica: I need to borrow some money.
Joey: Oh, I don't know, Monica. You know lending friends money is always a mistake.
Monica: But Chandler lent you money.
Joey: And I think he would tell you it was a mistake.

Phoebe: You know, I've never lived with a guy before.
Monica: Well, it's just like living with a girl, only they don't steal your makeup. Unless they're playing "This Is What My Sister Would Look Like."
Chandler: Yeah, she's not so cute.

Mike: I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Phoebe: Well, you put down the toilet seat.
Mike: Yes, dear.
Monica: Is that a bit you guys do?
Phoebe: Uh-huh. We're playing you two.
Monica: We don't do that. Tell her we don't do that.
Chandler: Yes, dear.

Mike: It's just, my first marriage was you know, such a disaster that I kind of lost faith in the whole idea.
Phoebe: Was it that bad?
Mike: At one point, near the end she deliberately defecated on my-
Phoebe: Okay, well, that's bad.

Phoebe: Yeah, thanks. This helped. Thanks.
Ross: The Divorcer to the rescue.
Phoebe: It's not cooler.
Ross: Yeah, I just heard it.

Monica: Well, my breasts are gonna get bigger whether you like it or not. And, you know what, it's not just my breasts. My ass is gonna get bigger too.
Chandler: Your ass?!
Rachel: And don't be surprised if her hands and her feet get bigger too.
Chandler: They do that?
Monica: It's kind of a package deal.
Chandler: God, why? Why would you want to do that to yourself?
Monica: I thought it was something that we both wanted.
Chandler: All right, look, if it means that much to you, I may be able to get onboard with the boobs but the giant ass and the big clown feet?

Rachel: Joey, why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job?
Joey: Because she is.
Monica: Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money.
Joey: Uh-huh. For your boob job.
Chandler: Joe-
Monica: It's over.
Joey: Okay, so I'm out $4000 and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?

Ross: I know the other day in the coffeehouse you were all caught up in the whole soccer-mom thing but is that really you? I mean, can you honestly picture yourself in a Volvo?
Phoebe: They are awfully boxy.