Rachel: You guys aren't doing anything tonight, are you?
Chandler: See, now, why would you assume that? Just because we're married? I mean, I will have you know that we are very hip, happening people. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to reading the obituaries.

Phoebe: Ooh. Rachel's gonna have a terrible date, Ross gets stood up, and then they'll realize how good they have it together.
Joey: Ah, yes, the plan. Ho, ho, ho.
Phoebe: It's not Santa's plan. No, it's- [laughs manically]
Joey: [laughs maniacally] Yeah, you know, it's not that fun.
Phoebe: No, I think we killed it.

Chandler: Don't cry, it's just a bit. I'm your uncle Chandler. Funny is all I have!

Waiter: Can I get you another glass of wine?
Ross: I don't know if I should. I don't want to be drunk when I go home alone tonight.
Waiter: Got stood up, huh?
Ross: It's no big deal. It's just a blind date.
Waiter: Are you worried your date came, saw you and left?
Ross: No!

Monica: Unless maybe we do it here. I mean, how much can she even be aware of at this age?
Chandler: Well, she's aware when we leave a room. She may notice if we start canoodling in it.
Monica: Canoodling?
Chandler: Well, I can't say hump or screw in front of the B-A-B-Y.

Monica: I guess you're right.
Chandler: You guess I'm right? When we stayed at that bed-and-breakfast, you wouldn't have sex with me because you thought a deer was staring through the window.
Monica: Well, what kind of a sick bastard wants to do it in front of a deer?

Phoebe: Well, our plan is working. Rachel's having a miserable time and Ross is just stood up somewhere at a restaurant all alone.
Joey: Oh, great. Pretty soon they'll be back together.
Phoebe: By the time anyone's figured out what we've done, we'll be in sunny Mexico. Oh, wait, that's the end of a different plan.

Joey: Hello? Emma? Hey. Hi. How are you? How are you? Where are your babysitters, huh? Why is the bedroom door closed? You can't have S-E-X when you're taking care of a B-A-B-l-E.

Waiter: Look, you got stood up. Who cares? We're gonna show you a good time. Sit and relax. In fact, let me bring you a crab-cake appetizer on the house.
Ross: Wow, free crab cakes? Well, that's nice. Although I was hoping to have sex tonight.
Waiter: Ooh.
Ross: Just the crab cakes.

Waiter #2: What are you doing? Are you trying to get him to stay? You can't do that.
Waiter: Just get out of here, okay?
Ross: I'm sorry, what's going on?
Waiter: Okay, the waiters have a little pool going. We have a bet on how long it'll take before you give up and go home.
Ross: What?! You're making money off my misery?
Waiter: Well, if you stay till 9:20, I am.
Ross: This is unbelievable. I have never been so insulted in my life. Now, if you'll wrap up my free crab cakes, I'll be on my way.