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‘The One with Ross's Tan’ Quotes

Friends: The One with Ross's Tan

1003. The One with Ross's Tan

Aired October 9, 2003

Rachel and Joey nervously try to spend their first evening together as a couple. Meanwhile, Monica and Phoebe seek to avoid an obnoxious old friend, and Ross has a spray tan disaster.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Wait a minute, there's no light on the back wall. How do I know when it's gonna start? Hello? My eyes!
The same thing happened again!
Tanning Salon Guy: You got two more twos?
Ross: I'm an eight!

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Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: You know what Amanda said when she called me? "Oh, so sorry to catch you on your mobile." If you didn't wanna get me on my mobile, then don't call me on my mobile.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Hi, Amanda. Actually, now is not a good time. Dinner tomorrow night? Okay, Phoebe and I will see you then.
Phoebe: Why? Why? Why didn't you just say no?
Monica: Well, I said no to her coming over now. I couldn't say no twice. I've got this uncontrollable need to please people.
Phoebe: Fine. Fine. You would not hold up well under torture.
Monica: Oh, and you would?
Phoebe: I did.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Hold on. There's something different.
Ross: I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.
Chandler: Was that place the sun?

Quote from Chandler

Ross: Oh, and it gets worse.
Chandler: Oh, my God, you can do a duet of "Ebony and Ivory" all by yourself.

Quote from Chandler

Amanda: Ooh, that accident must have been terrible. You look positively ghastly.
Chandler: Well, aren't you a treat.

Quote from Ross

Ross: One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three- Wait, wait! I'm not- I'm not finished counting!
You sprayed my front twice!
Tanning Salon Guy: You never turned?
Ross: No! I barely even got to "three Mississippi".
Tanning Salon Guy: Mississippi? I said count to five.
Ross: Mississippi-less-ly?

Quote from Ross

Monica: How could you mess this up? It's so easy. You go in the booth, count to five and turn around.
Ross: How do you count to five?
Monica: One, two, three...
Ross: Damn it!

Quote from Phoebe

Amanda: Gosh, this is brilliant. Gosh, it's just like old times. I'm so happy you two are friends again.
Monica: When were we not friends?
Phoebe: Well, it was 1992. And I remember, because that was the year I had sex with Evel Knievel.
Monica: We were friends in 1992.
Amanda: No, I distinctly remember you were dodging her calls and trying to avoid seeing her.
Monica: You were going to cut me out?
Phoebe: Well, kind of.
Monica: Oh, my God!
Amanda: Oh, bugger. Should I not have said that? Urgh. I feel like a perfect arse.
Phoebe: Well, in America, you're just an ass.

Quote from Ross

Glenda: Now, let me explain how this works. You go into the booth and-
Ross: I'm gonna stop you right there, Glenda. Okay? Does it look like this is my first time? Now, I want four two's, and I want them all on my back.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Wait a minute. There's two sets of nozzles! Which one is it? Which one is it? Oh, son of a bitch!

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: That fake British woman's a real bitch, but she sure can dance.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: And she always bragging about all the famous people she's met.
Phoebe: Oh, I know! "I slept with Billy Joel." All right, who hasn't?

Quote from Joey

Chandler: So you and Rachel tonight, huh?
Joey: Yeah. Yeah, it's actually our first official date.
Chandler: Wow, so tonight may be the night. You nervous?
Joey: No. This is the part I'm actually good at.
Chandler: What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-Ioathing?
Joey: It's okay.

Quote from Monica

Ross: I'm sorry, it's just- How'd you get so tan?
Chandler: She went to one of those spray-on tan places.
Ross: You got a spray-on tan?
Monica: Chandler gets pedicures.
Ross: What? You do? Like, with the toe separators?
Chandler: Why? Why?

Quote from Monica

Phoebe: You won't believe who moved back to town.
Monica: I know. Amanda. She called me too. She's the worst.
Chandler: Who's Amanda?
Monica: She's this girl who lived in the building before you did. Then she moved to England and picked up this fake British accent. On the machine, this is her message: "Monica, darling, it's Amanda calling."
Chandler: Are you trying to do a British accent?
Monica: Chandler gets pedicures.
Chandler: Just so I know, how many more of those can I expect?

Quote from Ross

Tanning Salon Guy: All right, Mr. Geller, right this way. So how dark do you wanna be? We have one, two or three.
Ross: Well, I like how you look. What are you?
Tanning Salon Guy: Puerto Rican.
Ross: Two. I think a two.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Well, how bad is it?
Tanning Salon Guy: Not that bad yet. But it keeps getting darker for the next four hours.
Ross: So how dark is it going to get?
Tanning Salon Guy: You got sprayed with two twos and-
Ross: I'm a four?
Tanning Salon Guy: Yeah, but your back's a zero. You're gonna wanna even that out.
Ross: Really?
Tanning Salon Guy: You might wanna get back in there.
Ross: Oh, okay!

Quote from Joey

Rachel: I'm sorry. Again, I don't know what happened. I must be nervous.
Joey: I don't get it. Chandler loved it.

Quote from Phoebe

Amanda: Hello, Monica. It's Amanda calling again. I'm in the neighborhood, hoping I could pop by your flat.
Monica: You're from Yonkers! Your last name is Buffamonteezi!
Amanda: Let's see. So should you get this directly ring me back on my mobile.
Phoebe: [in a British accent] Okay, don't hold thy breath.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Hello? Is someone on the line?
Amanda: Yes. I was looking for Monica.
Chandler: Hang on, she's right here. Someone's on the phone for you.
Monica: We weren't picking up. It's Amanda.
Chandler: [to Amanda] I get pedicures.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Just work the bra, Joe.
Joey: Okay, got it, yeah. Absolutely. Okay.
Rachel: Okay.
Joey: Is this thing welded shut?
Rachel: Okay.
Joey: All right, turn around. I gotta get a look at this thing.
Rachel: Ow!
Joey: Sorry.

Quote from Joey

Joey: I'm sorry. This has never happened to me before. I'm an expert at taking off bras. I could do it with one hand. I could do it with my eyes closed. Once I just looked at one and it popped open.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Okay, look, I'm really sorry about that, Joey. But do you think maybe, on some level, you don't want to take off my bra?
Joey: ... No, I don't have another level.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: What is up with Miss Hawaiian Tropic?

Quote from Chandler

Monica: How was your date with Joey?
Rachel: Well, it was good, until we got back to our apartment. And then we were fooling around and he started to put his hand up my leg and I kept slapping it away.
Chandler: You didn't like that?

Quote from Monica

Rachel: Well, it wasn't just me, all right? He freaked out too. He couldn't even undo my bra.
Monica: Really? One time he just looked at my bra and it popped open.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: I'm sorry for screwing up that "cutting her out" plan, but I have a new plan. Chandler will call in a few minutes with an emergency.
Phoebe: Oh. Okay, well, what kind of emergency gets us both out of here?
Monica: Well, what do you think of Mike and Chandler being in a car accident?
Phoebe: Are you kidding? I love it!

Quote from Monica

Monica: Hello? Chandler, what's wrong? Oh, my God, are you all right? Yeah, I'll be right there.
I'm so sorry, but Chandler was in a car accident.
Amanda: Oh.
Phoebe: Oh, my God.
Monica: Yeah.
Phoebe: Was Mike with him?
Monica: Nope.

Quote from Monica

Monica: I can't believe you tried to cut me out. Why, Phoebe? Why?
Phoebe: It was right after we were living together and you were driving me crazy, okay? You were really controlling and compulsive and shrill.
Monica: Well, I'm still all those things.
Phoebe: You're also so generous and kind and scrappy.
Monica: I am scrappy.
Phoebe: Exactly. Look, no matter what I tried to do, I couldn't keep you out of my life. Of all the people I've cut out you were the only one who ever clawed her way back in.
Monica: That's because I'm scrappy.

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: Hey, listen, can I ask you a question? When you and Monica first hooked up was it weird going from friends to more than that?
Chandler: Kind of. You know, sneaking around, having to hide from you guys-
Rachel: No, no, no. No, I mean sexually.
Joey: Yeah, was there a part of you that felt like it was really wrong?
Chandler: Actually, no. No, it felt right, you know? It felt like, "I can't believe we haven't been doing this the whole time." I can tell from your expressions that's the good news you were hoping for. Well, I'm gonna go continue to spread the joy.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Dude, it's Chandler. Let me in.
Ross: Go away. I don't wanna see anybody.
Chandler: I know. I went to the tanning place and the same thing happened to me. You have to let me in.
Ross: Really? Did you count Mississippi-ly? You're not tan.
Chandler: No. I just had to get a picture of this. I'll see you later.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Let's kick this into high gear, huh? Yeah, baby! I'll show you how we do it!
Joey: No, no, no! You kneed me in my misters!
Rachel: What? Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Joey? Are you okay?
Joey: Soldier down.

Quote from Phoebe

Amanda: Hello! It's so nice to see you. Both of you, look at me. Look how young I look! Oh, gosh, we have so much to catch up on. But first things first. Touch my abs. I don't exercise at all. Oh, gosh. So, Monica, you're married.
Monica: Yeah, his name is Chandler and he's-
Amanda: Oh, smell my neck. It's not perfume. It's me. It's my natural scent.
Phoebe: Musty.


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