Previous Episode Next Episode 

41Quotes from ‘The One with Rachel's Date’

Friends: The One with Rachel's Date

805. The One with Rachel's Date

Aired October 25, 2001

Phoebe dates a guy who works at Monica's restaurant, which poses a problem when she decides to dump him and Monica decides to fire him. Meanwhile, Chandler quashes a promotion for a colleague who mistakenly thinks he's called Toby, and Ross is upset when Rachel goes on a date with Joey's handsome co-star.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: So he calls me Toby once in a while. What's the big deal? It could be worse. It's not like he's calling me Muriel.
Ross: Muriel. Why would he call you Muriel? Oh, my God. Chandler "M." Bing. It's not just an "M." Your middle name is Muriel!
Chandler: Ssh. It is a family name.
Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing. Boy, your parents never even gave you a chance, did they?

Quote from Joey

Joey: Dude, what is going on?
Ross: I just have to find out how it went.
Joey: Why?
Ross: This guy could be my baby's stepfather.
Joey: They go on one date and you're worried about them getting married? He's not you!

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Hey, Bob.
Bob: Hey, Toby. Have a good night.
Ross: Did that guy just call you Toby?
Chandler: Yeah, he thinks that's my name.
Ross: Well, why don't you correct him?
Chandler: Oh, it's been going on way too long now. I mean, the first time he said it, were just passing in the hallway so I didn't say anything. Then the next time he said, "Hey, Toby, you want a doughnut?" And I wanted the doughnut. And now it's five years later, the doughnut's gone and I'm still Toby.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Well, hello there.
Tim: Hi.
Phoebe: I didn't see this on the menu.
Monica: This is Tim, my new sous chef.
Phoebe: So you're Monica's boss?
Tim: Actually, she's my boss. "Sous" is French for "under."
Phoebe: Ah. I "sous-stand."

Quote from Joey

Joey: Okay, just let me get changed and we can go to dinner.
Rachel: What happened to Jessica's body?
Joey: I'm not telling. You'll have to see it on TV.
Rachel: You don't know, do you?
Joey: No. Couldn't care less.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: I had the best time with Tim last night. Oh, he is so sweet. I can't wait to get "sous-neath" him.

Quote from Joey

Joey: He even asked me if I thought you'd go out with him.
Rachel: Oh. I think I'm gonna throw up a little bit. What did you say?
Joey: I said "No."
Rachel: What?
Joey: What? I just figured since you're pregnant, you're not gonna be seeing people.
Rachel: Okay, Joey. First of all, Kash Ford? Not people. Second of all, what did he say when you told him I was pregnant?
Joey: I didn't tell him. I didn't know if you were telling people. This was back when I thought Kash was still "people."

Quote from Chandler

Mr. Franklin: Hey, Bing. Was that Bob from six you were just talking to?
Chandler: Yeah.
Mr. Franklin: Well then you know each other?
Chandler: We're on a semi-first-name basis.

Quote from Chandler

Mr. Franklin: What do you think about adding him to our team?
Chandler: Bob? Ooh. Working here with us? Every day? Yeah, I don't know if he has what it takes.
Mr. Franklin: Really? They love him down on six.
Chandler: But this is 11. It's almost twice as hard up here.

Quote from Chandler

Mr. Franklin: Okay, Bob will stay put.
Chandler: I think it's best, sir.
Mr. Franklin: But we really do need to find somebody up here. Work is starting to pile up. I've got a stack of documents on my desk this high.
Chandler: You know what you should do? Just toss them in the shredder and claim you never got them.
Mr. Franklin: That's a good one, Bing.
Chandler: What does a guy have to do to be taken seriously around here?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Okay. But the question is, who's gonna go first? Because whoever goes second is the bitch.
Monica: What do you mean?
Phoebe: Come on, the boss that fires a guy that's just been dumped? Bitch! And the woman who dumps a guy that's just been fired? Blond bitch!
Monica: I wanted to do this days ago, so I think I should go first.
Phoebe: All right, that makes sense. But screw you! I'm going first!

Quote from Joey

Ross: Now, where is this "actor" taking them?
Joey: Hey! I'm an "actor" too.

Quote from Ross

Ross: I've always had this picture of me and my next wife in bed, my kid comes running in, leaps up on the bed and we all read the paper. Maybe fight over the science section.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hey, tell you what, let's you and me go out and have some fun. Whatever you want. Come on.
Ross: We can still catch that Ukrainian film.
Joey: No, I said fun.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Bob, I'm the reason you didn't get the job up here.
Bob: Toby, don't.
Chandler: Bob.
Bob: Toby, I'm not gonna let you cover for him. Anything you say right now will just get me more upset with Chandler.
Chandler: Well, that puts me in a difficult position.

Quote from Rachel

Ross: You want a little cheering up?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Sit down. Guess whose middle name is Muriel?
Rachel: [gasps] Chandler M. Bing.
Ross: Uh-huh.
Rachel: Oh, my God.

Quote from Rachel

Joey: You're not gonna tell him you're pregnant?
Rachel: I don't think so. All the books say wait until the 3rd date to tell a guy you've got something growing in your uterus.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Oh, you know, Kash really liked you the other day. He thought you were charming.
Rachel: Oh. I thought I was a complete idiot.
Joey: Hey, I'm with you.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: So now I'm not allowed to fire him?
Phoebe: You can't fire him and dump him in the same day, he'll kill himself.
Monica: Well then, I'll fire him today and you go out with him for another week.
Phoebe: Are you kidding? Another week with that simp, I'll kill myself.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: You made pesto?
Tim: Yes, I did.
Phoebe: Would you say your pesto is the best-o?
Tim: I don't know, but I would say it's pretty good-o.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Let's just cut to the chase, okay. You're single. You're single. He gets off work at 11.
She'll be waiting for your call. I'll give him your number if I could just get one Calamari and one Caesar salad! I did not yell. I am not putting a dollar in the jar.

Quote from Chandler

Mr. Franklin: Wow, Bing! Burning the midnight oil.
Chandler: You know me, sir. [gives thumbs up] Oh, I do have a question for you. Do you know how I can get around the computer network so I can access the really good Internet porn?
Mr. Franklin: You're a joker, Bing.
Chandler: What's funny about that?

Quote from Ross

Chandler: Where do you wanna go?
Ross: I think you know where I want to go.
Chandler: The Hard Rock Cafe?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Again?
Ross: Yeah. I'm telling you, I like the food.
Chandler: You like the "Purple Rain" display.

Quote from Rachel

Kash: How come haven't I seen you here before?
Rachel: Well, Joey probably just thinks I'll embarrass him. He thinks I'm some kind of a soap opera nut. Which I'm not. I'm not. Although, I do know that your favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan. And that your dog's name is Wally. Well, look at that, I'm just stroking your arm.
Joey: Here we go.
Rachel: Oh, we're leaving. Bye, Kash. Say hi to Wally.

Quote from Monica

Monica: I have to fire him.
Phoebe: Why?
Monica: Because he's terrible. He's slow. He burns things. Last night he lit my pastry chef on fire.
Phoebe: Maybe he was just nervous. You know, you can be very intimidating. And besides, I've met your pastry chef and she can stand to be taken down a peg or two.
Monica: Well, now she has no eyebrows. Mission accomplished.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Ooh, looks like when he got the pastry chef, he got you a little bit too.
Monica: I paid to have this done.
Phoebe: Love it.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Hey, Bob.
Bob: Hey. How's my pal Toby doing today?
Chandler: If I see him, I'll ask.

Quote from Monica

Monica: I gave him another chance, but Tim has got to go. I called the chef who recommended him to me. He said, "Ha, ha! Gotcha!"

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: You said he was so sweet.
Phoebe: He is sweet. He's too sweet. He calls me all the time. "Did you get home okay?" "Did you get out of the shower okay?"
Monica: Just don't pick up your phone.
Phoebe: Then he comes over! "I was so worried about you." Ugh, be a man!

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: What do you think is a better excuse for why I'm not drinking on this date tonight? " Say, "I'm a recovering alcoholic," "I'm a Mormon" or "I got so hammered last night I'm still a little drunk"?

Quote from Joey

Ross: So, what do you want to do tonight? There's a Ukrainian film at the Angelica that's supposed to be very powerful. Interested?
Joey: No, no. But I'll go see a normal-person movie with you.

Quote from Joey

Ross: Rach, you wanna come?
Rachel: I can't. I've got a date.
Ross: A date?
Rachel: Yeah. Why, is that weird for you?
Ross: Why, no. It's the opposite of weird. It's regular. It's mundane. It's actually a little dull.
Joey: Well, it's no Ukrainian film, I'll tell you.

Quote from Joey

Ross: She's got a date? With who?
Joey: I set her up with this actor on my show.
Ross: You set her up?
Joey: No.
Ross: Joey, what were you thinking?
Joey: I was thinking that it would probably be okay because Ross hasn't gone out with Rachel in five years.

Quote from Joey

Ross: A ferry? My baby's going on a ferry? Do you have any idea how dangerous those are?
Joey: Aren't we talking about those big boats that carry cars that go about five miles an hour.

Quote from Ross

Ross: Hey, I hear you're going on a ferry tonight. Bit of a daredevil, are we?

Quote from Joey

Joey: What movie do you wanna see? And not one I have to read. I get enough of that from books.
Ross: Books?
Joey: All right, car magazines, cereal boxes, but it's, like, enough!

Quote from Ross

Joey: Hey, can I ask you something? In this picture of you and your wife, is your wife Rachel?
Ross: It used to be. Now she doesn't really have a face. Smokin' body, though.
Joey: Good call.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Tim, wait.
Tim: Yeah?
Monica: I think I spoke too quickly. There's a learning curve with this job. Maybe we could try it again.
Tim: Thank you so much. Because I know I can be better.
Phoebe: And Tim, I just want to say good luck here.

Quote from Rachel

Ross: How was the date?
Rachel: Well, I'm alone and I just bought $15 worth of candy bars. What do you think?
Ross: Huh. What happened?
Rachel: I made the mistake of telling him I was pregnant.
Ross: He didn't take it so well?
Rachel: Well, better than you. But, you know, still not what you want.
Ross: Oh?
Rachel: Yeah. He got all weird and sputtery. Then he said: "Yeah, I hear those hemorrhoids are a bitch."

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Thanks, sweetie.
Ross: You wanna grab some coffee?
Rachel: No. I think I'm gonna go home and eat 10 candy bars.
Ross: Hey, I thought I cheered you up.
Rachel: Oh, you did. There are 20 in here.

Quote from Ross

Mona: Ross? Hey, it's Mona. From the wedding.
Ross: Oh, hi.
Mona: Hi.
Ross: Wow. How are you?
Mona: I'm good, except you still owe me a dance.
Ross: Oh, that's right. Well, would you be interested in seeing a Ukrainian film?
Mona: [laughs] Oh, you're serious. Sure.
Ross: Great.


 Episode 804 Episode 806