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‘The One with Rachel's Assistant’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Friends: The One with Rachel's Assistant

704. The One with Rachel's Assistant

Aired October 26, 2000

When Rachel gets to hire an assistant at work, she is torn between a well-qualified older woman and an attractive young man. Meanwhile, Joey is offered a part on Days of our Lives as his old character's evil twin, and Monica, Chandler and Ross reveal embarrassing secrets about each other.

Quote from Joey

Joey: It's the producers over at Mac and Cheese, if you'll excuse me for a minute. Hey, funny you should call. I was just looking over next week's script. Canceled! Like, they're taking it off the air? All right, I'll see you Monday. We're not even shooting them anymore?

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Quote from Monica

Monica: Ross used to stay home every Saturday night to watch Golden Girls.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Phoebe, do you think that your favorite animal says much about you?
Phoebe: You mean behind my back?

Quote from Joey

Joey: These really are the "days of our lives."
Monica: What?
Joey: Well, since you ask. They want me back on Days of Our Lives.
Rachel: I get a big pay raise.
Phoebe: Oh, hey.
Joey: I'll be playing Drake Ramoray's twin brother, Stryker.
Rachel: I get to hire my own assistant.
Joey: Well- I got a headrush from standing up too fast.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: I just have one last question for you. How did I do? Was this okay?
Hilda: What?
Rachel: I've never interviewed anyone before. I've never had anyone work for me before. Although when I was a kid we did have a maid, but this isn't the same thing.
Hilda: No, dear, it's not.
Rachel: And I know that.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: What was with all the whispering?
Monica: I can't tell you. It's a secret.
Chandler: Secret? Married people aren't supposed to have secrets. We love and respect one another too much.
Monica: Aww. But still, no.
Chandler: No, I'm serious. We should tell each other everything. I do not have any secrets from you.
Monica: Really? So why don't you tell me what happened to Ross, junior year at Disneyland?
Chandler: Oh, no, no, no. I can't do that.
Monica: If you tell me, I'll tell you what Phoebe said.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Okay.
Chandler: So Ross and I are going to Disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for tacos. When I say restaurant, I mean a guy, a hibachi, and the trunk of his car. So Ross has about ten tacos. Anyway, we're on Space Mountain and Ross starts to feel a little iffy.
Monica: Oh, my God. He threw up?
Chandler: No, he visited a town a little south of throw up.

Quote from Monica

Chandler: What was Phoebe's secret?
Monica: Nancy Thompson, from Phoebe's old massage place, is getting fired.
Chandler: That's it? I gave up my Disneyland story for that?
Monica: That's right. You lose, sucker! Please still marry me.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hey, Terry.
Terry: Hey, Joey. Nice to see you again.
Joey: Been a while. It's funny, these halls look smaller than they used to.
Terry: It's a different building.

Quote from Joey

Joey: You know, Terry, I don't really need to do this. I got my own cable TV series with a robot.
Terry: I'm sorry, Joey. That's the way it is.
Joey: Well, I guess you think you're pretty special, huh? Sitting up here in your fancy, small-halled building making stars jump through hoops for you. Well, you know what? This is one star whose hoop- This is the star the hoop- This hoop- I was Doctor Drake Ramoray!

Quote from Monica

Monica: Chandler one time wore my underwear to work.
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Oh. I'm sorry, I couldn't think of any more for Ross.

Quote from Phoebe

Tag: Phoebe. That's a great name.
Phoebe: Oh. You like that? You should hear my phone number.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Hey, Terry.
Terry: Joey Tribbiani. I'm surprised your big head could fit through our small halls.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: If you'll excuse me, I think I'm gonna go hang out with people who don't know the Space Mountain story.
Monica: Then I'd steer clear of Phoebe.
Ross: Man!
Chandler: Yeah, and not that you would, but I wouldn't hang out with all the guys at my office.

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: Well, that was okay.
Ross: It wasn't the best.
Chandler: That was one of the worst things ever and not just on TV.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: What are we going to tell him?
Ross: Well, the lighting was okay.
Rachel: Oh, no you don't. You got lighting last time. Lighting is mine.
Phoebe: I have costumes.
Ross: Oh, great. That means I'm stuck with: "So we were watching you in there, and you were sitting right here. Whoa."
Rachel: What are you going to do, Pheebs?
Rachel: I don't know. I can't lie to him again. Oh, no, l- No. I'm just gonna press my breasts up against him.
Chandler: And say nothing?
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Yeah, that's right.

Quote from Joey

Joey: You weren't finished?
Rachel: Yeah, "Guess who walks into my office" is my story. It was Ralph Lauren. Ralph Lauren walked into my office.
Joey: Rach, if you're going to start another story, at least let me finish mine.
Rachel: It's the same story.
Joey: Wow, it's really long.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: So what's your name?
Tag: Tag Jones.
Rachel: Uh-huh, go on.
Tag: That's it. That's my whole name.
Rachel: That's your whole name. Of course it is.

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: Chandler, you have an assistant, right?
Chandler: Did she call? You told her I was sick, right? Always tell her I am sick.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: How do you decide who to hire? I have it down to two people. One has great references and a lot of experience. And then, there's this guy.
Chandler: What about him?
Rachel: [sighs] I love him. He's so pretty, I want to cry.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Okay, you're right. I'll hire Hilda tomorrow. Dumb, old, perfect-for-the-job Hilda.

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