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‘The One with Phoebe's Uterus’ Quotes

Friends: The One with Phoebe's Uterus

411. The One with Phoebe's Uterus

Aired January 8, 1998

Phoebe's half-brother, Frank Jr., asks her for a huge favor. Meanwhile, Ross gets Joey a job at the museum, and Rachel and Monica help Chandler improve his performance in the bedroom for Kathy.

Quote from Monica

Monica: All right. You could start out with a little one. A two. A one, two, three. A three.
A five. A four. A three, two. Two.
A two, four, six. Two, four, six.
Four. Two. Two.
Four, seven! Five, seven! Six, seven!
Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven! Seven!
[holds up seven fingers and mouths "Seven"]

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Quote from Rachel

Monica: Everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. You got one, two, three four five, six and seven.
Chandler: There are seven?
Rachel: Let me see that. Oh, yeah.
Chandler: That's one?
Monica: Kind of an important one.
Chandler: Oh, you know what, I was looking at it upside down.
Rachel: Well, you know, sometimes that helps.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: I'll have to get you a gift now. Is there anything you need?
Frank: Uh, yeah.
Alice: We've been trying to get pregnant pretty much since we got engaged, to get a jump on things. You know, no one's getting any younger. [laugh]
Frank: Because the thing is, we're not able to, you know, conceive.
Alice: We've tried everything. We've seen a bunch of doctors.
Frank: And they say that our only chance to have a baby is that if they take my sperm, her egg, put it together in a dish and then put it into another girl. So we were wondering if you could be the girl that we could put it into.
Phoebe: That's a really nice gift. I was thinking of, like, a gravy boat.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: What did you tell them?
Phoebe: Well, they said I had to think about it first, but what is there to think of? I'm going to be giving someone the greatest gift you can give.
Chandler: You're going to carry their child and get them a Sony PlayStation?

Quote from Joey

Joey: Could you sit over there? I'm saving this seat for my friend Ross.
Rhonda: You mean Dr. Geller?
Joey: Doctor? I didn't know he had a nickname.

Quote from Rachel

Monica: All right, the important thing is to take your time. You want to hit them all and you want to mix them up. Keep them on their toes.
Rachel: Oh, toes! For some people.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: You guys, why didn't you tell me you were eloping?
Frank: I don't know. It just sort of happened. We were at court, eating lunch-
Phoebe: Wait. Why were you at the courthouse?
Frank: We were having lunch. All of a sudden, we were like we're here, we're having lunch. Let's get married.

Quote from Joey

Joey: So, what job did you get, Joey?
Joey: Tour guide at the museum. Ross got it for me.
Rachel: Well, how can you be tour guide? Don't you have to be a dinosaur expert or something?
Joey: Not really. They give you all the information. It's like memorizing a script. And on your left you have a tyrannosaurus rex, a carnivore from the Jurassic Period.
Chandler: Very nice.
Ross: Yeah, actually, Joey, it's the Cretaceous Period.
Joey: Yeah, but I can pronounce Jurassic.

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: My God.
Monica: Are you serious?
Joey: You're really thinking of having sex with your brother?
Phoebe: Ew! And, oh, no. They just want me to be the surrogate. It's her egg and his sperm. I'm just the oven. It's totally their bun.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: Honey, maybe you can talk to somebody who's had a baby. Like your mom.
Phoebe: My mom never gave birth. Oh, but my birth mom did.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Kathy's last boyfriend was Joey.
Ross: And you're afraid you won't be able to fill his shoes?
Chandler: No, I'm afraid I won't be able to make love as well as him.
Ross: No, I was going for the metaphor.
Chandler: Yes, and I was saying the actual words.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Most guys will hit one, two, three and then go to seven and set up camp.
Chandler: That's bad?
Rachel: Well, if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Matterhorn.
Chandler: Well, you might if it were anything like seven.

Quote from Ross

Ross: You know we work in a museum of natural history. And yet, there is something ... unnatural ... about the way we eat lunch. Now, I look around this cafeteria, and you know what I see? I see division. Division between people in white coats and people in blue blazers. And I ask myself, "My God, why?" Now, I say we shed these, these coats that separate us. And we get to know the people underneath.
I'm Ross. I'm divorced and I have a kid.

Quote from Joey

Joey: I'm Joey. I'm an actor. I don't know squat about dinosaurs.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: My mom was right. If I can't give him up there's no way I can give up a little baby. Frank and Alice are going to be so crushed. What else can I give them? A kidney!


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