‘The One with Phoebe's Husband’
Season 2, Episode 4 - Aired October 12, 1995
The gang is surprised to learn that Phoebe is married to a gay Canadian ice dancer named Duncan. Monica worries Phoebe will fall in love with him again and be heartbroken when the love isn't returned.
When Ross turns to Rachel for advice about his relationship with Julie, she senses an opportunity to throw a spanner in the works. Meanwhile, Monica tells everyone about Chandler's third nipple and he reveals Joey's role in a porn film.
Quote from Rachel
Ross: What's the longest you've been in a relationship before having the sex?
Rachel: Why? Who's not? Are you and Julie not? Are you and Julie not having sex?
Ross: Technically? No.
Rachel: Wow. Is it because she's so cold in bed? Or because she's, like, kind of bossy, makes it feel like school?
Ross: No. No. She's great.
And it's not like we haven't done anything. We do plenty of other stuff. Lots of other stuff like-
Rachel: Oh, no, no, no. Don't need to know the details.
Quote from Joey
Chandler: What is this in my pocket? Why, it's Joey's porno movie!
Ross: Pop it in!
Joey: I'm fine with it, I mean if you're okay watching a video filled with two-nippled people.
Quote from Ross
Rachel: It's pretty late. You're probably not still planning on..?
Ross: No, I am.
Rachel: Are you nervous?
Ross: No, I have done it before.
Quote from Monica
Monica: I can't believe you didn't tell me.
Phoebe: Like you tell me everything?
Monica: Oh, come on, what have I not told you?
Phoebe: Oh, I don't know. How about the fact that the underwear out on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace!
Rachel: What?
Monica: Wait a minute! Who told you? [Chandler doesn't move] You are dead meat.
Quote from Rachel
Rachel: It's open, you guys. Can I help you?
Duncan: I'm looking for Phoebe. Does she still live here?
Rachel: No, she doesn't. But I can get a message to her.
Duncan: Great. Just tell her her husband stopped by.
Rachel: Her what? [Rachel accidentally removes the lid from the pan, the pigeon flies out]
Duncan: How did you do that?
Quote from Ross
Joey: This is unbelievable, Pheebs. How can you be married?
Phoebe: Well, I'm not "married" married, you know? He was just a friend, and he's gay and he was from Canada, and he just needed a Green Card.
Monica: I can't believe you married Duncan. I mean, how could you not tell me? We lived together. We told each other everything.
Phoebe: I'm sorry, but I knew if I told you, you'd get really, like, judgmental and you would not approve.
Monica: Of course I wouldn't approve. I mean, you were totally in love with this guy who, hello, was gay. I mean, what the hell were you thinking?
Ross: See? And you thought she'd be judgmental.
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: I wasn't in love with him. I was helping out a friend.
Monica: Please, when he left town, you stayed in your pajamas for a month. And I saw you eat a cheeseburger. [Everybody gasps]
Monica: Well, didn't you?
Phoebe: I might have.
Quote from Phoebe
Duncan: You always said I'd make it.
Phoebe: Yea, well, you know, I'm kind of spooky that way. Wooh.
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: So, have you told your parents?
Duncan: No, but it'll be okay. They're pretty cool. My brother's straight, so...
Quote from Phoebe
Phoebe: You know what? I just have one more question. If you had figured this out sooner, and I had been around do you think l would have been the one? No, don't tell me. I don't think either answer would make me feel better. Here.
Duncan: I love you, Phoebe.
Phoebe: So your brother's straight, huh?