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‘The One with Phoebe's Cookies’ Quotes

Friends: The One with Phoebe's Cookies

703. The One with Phoebe's Cookies

Aired October 19, 2000

When Monica asks for Phoebe's grandmother's cookie recipe, Phoebe gives her an old cookie so they can attempt to reconstruct the recipe. Meanwhile, Rachel tries to teach Joey how to sail, and Chandler joins Monica's dad at the country club.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Look at this clown. Just because he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. Get out of the way, jackass! Who names their boat Coast Guard, anyway?
Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.
Joey: What are they doing out here? The coast is all the way over there.

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Quote from Phoebe

Monica: I mean, what about friends of your grandma? Wouldn't they have the recipe?
Phoebe: Well, you know, I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, "Nestley Toulouse."
Monica: What was her name?
Phoebe: Nestley Toulouse.
Monica: Nestlé Toll House?
Phoebe: Ugh. You Americans always butcher the French language.
Monica: Phoebe, is this the recipe?
Phoebe: Yes! Oh.
Monica: I cannot believe that I just spent the last two days trying to figure out that recipe and it was in my cupboard the whole time.
Phoebe: I know! You see, it is stuff like this which is why you're burning in hell!

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: If you don't sail your boat, what do you do on there?
Joey: Oh, it's great. It's a great place to just kind of sit, hang around, drink a few beers, eat some chips.
Chandler: Well, it's good that you finally have a place to do that.

Quote from Monica

Chandler: Hey, guys. So, what do you think?
Ross: About what?
Rachel: What?
Chandler: Are you kidding? Okay, I'll give you a hint. I'll give you a hint.
Joey: Eyes. No, no. Your eyes. No. Chandler's eyes.
Chandler: I got glasses.
Ross: You always had glasses.
Chandler: No, I didn't.
Ross: Are you sure?
Rachel: Yeah, didn't you used to have a pair? They were really round and burgundy, and they made you look kind of-
Joey: Feminine.
Rachel: Yes.
Chandler: No.
Monica: Sweetie, I think the glasses look great. I think they make you look really sexy.
Chandler: Really?
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: You didn't think I used to wear glasses, right?
Monica: Of course. [mouths] I had no idea!

Quote from Ross

Monica: I'm sure Dad doesn't care. He probably thought it was funny. He'll be telling this story for years.
Chandler: I don't want him to tell this story for years.
Ross: Oh, but he will. He still tells the story about how Monica tried to escape from fat camp.
Monica: I wasn't escaping.
Ross: Then how'd you get caught in the barbed wire?
Monica: I was trying to help out a squirrel.
Ross: You were trying to eat it!

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: You know, I bet it would actually make my grandma really happy to know that we're trying to figure out her recipe. I bet she's looking up at us and smiling right now.
Ross: Looking up?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, no. She was really nice to me but she's in hell for sure.

Quote from Ross

Ross: My dad wants to know if you want to play racquetball with us.
Monica: Great. Dad must really like you. He doesn't ask just anyone to play.
Ross: Yeah, and he didn't really ask for you. He asked for "Chauncey." I assumed he meant you.
Chandler: Did you correct him?
Ross: No, I thought it would be more fun this way.

Quote from Rachel

Phoebe: So, what do you guys want for an engagement gift?
Chandler: That's okay, Pheebs, we're not having a party, so you don't have to-
Monica: [stammering] If someone wants to give us a present, we don't want to deprive them of that joy.
Rachel: Oh, you know what you should get them, one of those little portable CD players.
Monica: Oh, I already have one.
Phoebe: Unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist.
Rachel: Yeah, and by "someone" she means Joey.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: I want your grandmother's cookie recipe.
Phoebe: You mean the chocolate chip cookie recipe?
Monica: Uh-huh. Yeah.
Phoebe: You mean the one my grandma made me swear on her deathbed that I would never let out of our family?
Chandler: Dying people say the craziest things.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Ahoy!
Chandler: Hey. How's the boat?
Joey: Great. I'm really getting into this sailing stuff.
Monica: Oh, so you finally took it out of the marina?
Joey: Why would I do that? It took three guys to get the thing in there.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: Hey, Chandler, what are you doing tonight?
Chandler: Oh, why? Do you have a lecture?
Ross: No, why?
Chandler: Then free as a bird.

Quote from Ross

Monica: Maybe this is something you could do every week.
Ross: Yeah, or you could sit on the front porch and make sure no one steals the trashcans. He does that every week too.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Just so you know, you have to let him win. He hates to lose.
Chandler: No problem. Maybe I'll play with my left hand.
Ross: You're not a lefty?
Chandler: Does anybody know me?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: I went to my old apartment to get the cookie recipe and that stupid fire burned it up.
Monica: No! Why didn't you make a copy and keep it in a fireproof box, and keep it at least 1 00 yards away from the original?
Phoebe: Because I'm normal.

Quote from Monica

Phoebe: Okay. I don't have the recipe, but here. I wish you health and happiness.
Chandler: An old cookie?
Monica: See, this is what happens when you don't register for gifts.

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: No, I made a batch and froze it. And this is the only one left.
Chandler: We can't accept this.
Phoebe: Why not?
Chandler: 'cause it's gross.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: This isn't a game. Joe, you could really get hurt out here! Okay. So do you want to pay attention, or do you want to die?
Joey: I want to make a ship-to-shore call to Chandler.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: I definitely taste nutmeg.
Phoebe: You do?
Monica: You don't? Well, that's the difference between a professional and a layman.
Phoebe: That and arrogance.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: I can't believe that. Now the only thing left of my grandmother's legacy is this crumb.
I wish you a long and happy marriage.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Hey. How was it?
Ross: Well, I had a great time. Chauncey on the other hand...
Chandler: I will tell the story. Well, it was going great. I let him win, we were bonding. He even said I could call him Dad.
Ross: And what did he ask you not to call him?
Chandler: "Daddy."

Quote from Ross

Phoebe: Come on, it's not that big a deal.
Chandler: Not that big a deal? There was touching of things.
Ross: Chandler, I know you wanted to bond with my dad but did you have to bond to that part?

Quote from Monica

Chandler: If that is your father calling to tell this story, then the marriage is off.
Monica: Come on. [on the phone] Hello. I'm sorry, you have the wrong number. Okay, I'll call you later, Dad. I love you.

Quote from Ross

Ross: I remember when she took me out on her dad's boat. She wouldn't let me help out at all.
Rachel: Excuse me, I wanted you to help. But you couldn't move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets.
Ross: You have to respect the sea.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Joey, I'm sorry if you thought that was mean. But I tell you, that was not mean. My father is mean. He used to always yell at me on the boat. It was horrible. I was being a really good teacher.
Joey: Does a good teacher say, "Put down the beer, pinhead!"
Rachel: Well, does a good student drink 7 beers during his first lesson?
Joey: Six and a half. You knocked the last one out of my hand, remember?
Rachel: Yeah, I didn't want you to get hit by the boom.
Joey: Well, it hit me anyway. And it would have hurt a lot less if I had finished that last beer.

Quote from Monica

Monica: I have not made this many cookies since I was in the 9th grade.
Phoebe: What was that for, like a bake sale?
Monica: No, just a Friday night.

Quote from Ross

Ross: These are pretty good.
Phoebe: Yeah, but not as good as batch 17.
Ross: Which one was that?
Monica: The ones we had right after you almost threw up.
Ross: Oh, yeah, batch 17 was good. I did not like batch 16. [gipping] I'm okay.

Quote from Ross

Phoebe: Are there anymore from the good batch? Because we could just work off those.
Ross: Yeah, I think there's one from Batch 17 left. [eats cookie] Batch 1 6. Sixteen, people, get out of the way!

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Okay, Joey, we're luffing a little bit. Can you tighten up the Cunningham?
Joey: Whoa, you just said a bunch of stuff I don't know there.
Rachel: Joey, come on. We just went over this.
Joey: Oh, you know, when we did that was when that bird was flying overhead with the fish in his mouth. Did you see it? It was gross.
Rachel: No. All right, I did not see the bird. I did not see the fish. I did not see the piece of Styrofoam that was shaped like Mike Tyson. I did not, because I was trying to teach you how to sail a boat. Which obviously is an impossible thing to do.
Joey: All right, that's it. You're yelling, and I don't see you taking your top off. I quit!
Rachel: What do you mean you quit? You can't quit.
Joey: Why not?
Rachel: Because you're not finished finished yet and I won't have it. Greens do not quit.
Joey: Greens? I'm a Tribbiani. Tribbianis quit.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Oh, my God. Did I- I just said, "Greens don't quit," didn't l? Did I say, "Greens don't quit"?
Joey: Yes, yes. And you're still yelling at me.
Rachel: No, no, no. I'm not yelling at you. I'm just yelling near you. Oh, God, Joey. I'm my father. Oh, my God. This is horrible. I've been trying so hard not to be my mother, I did not see this coming.

Quote from Joey

Joey: I did learn.
Rachel: Really?
Joey: Yeah, come on.
Rachel: No.
Joey: Okay. I know what a mainsail is. I know- I know to duck when the boom comes across. I know port is right.
Rachel: Left.
Joey: Damn it!

Quote from Monica

Monica: Well, I've tried everything. I give up. I guess I'm not gonna be the mom who makes the world's best chocolate chip cookies. I do make the best duck confit with broccoli raab. Kids love that, right?

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: Aw, Pheeb, come on, isn't there any relative that would have the recipe? What about your sister?
Phoebe: Oh, no, no. I made a promise to myself that the next time I would talk to Ursula is over my dead body. And that's not happening till October 15, 2032.
Ross: That's the day you're gonna die? See, darn it, I've got shuffleboard that day.
Phoebe: That's what you think.

Quote from Jack Geller

Chandler: So you understand. I'd feel a lot more comfortable if you didn't tell people what happened. You know, I'm a little embarrassed about it.
Jack Geller: I understand completely. There's nothing more horrifying than embarrassing yourself in front of your in-laws. As a matter of fact, when I started dating Judy, I was unemployed and her father asked me what I did for a living. I told him I was a lawyer.
Chandler: What did you do when they found out?
Jack Geller: They never did. So if you ever see me giving them legal advice, just nod along.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Well, Joey, I hate to admit it, but your way of sailing is a lot more fun.
Joey: Yeah. Hey, why don't you give a pull on that rope?
Rachel: We're not sailing.
Joey: Just pull on it.
Rachel: All right. Hey. Sandwiches.
Joey: What else?
Rachel: Here you go.
Joey: Thank you.
Rachel: Oh, wow.
Joey: What are you doing?
Rachel: Sorry.
Joey: What? Don't hold it like that. You're letting all the good stuff fall out.
Rachel: Oh. Whoops.
Joey: Careful! You're wasting good pastrami! Oh, my God. I'm my dad!


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