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‘The One with Joey's New Brain’ Quotes

Friends: The One with Joey's New Brain

715. The One with Joey's New Brain

Aired February 15, 2001

Joey unwittingly breaks the news to his Days of our Lives co-star that she is being written out of the show. Meanwhile, Rachel and Phoebe compete for the attention of a man whose cellphone they found at Central Perk.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: So I just talked to one of the DOOL writers today.
Monica: What is DOOL?
Joey: Days Of Our Lives. Anyway, you're not going to believe it. My character is coming out of his coma.
Chandler: That's wonderful.
Rachel: Wow, Joey.
Joey: And not only that. I'm getting a new brain!
Chandler: So great things are happening at work and in your personal life.

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Quote from Joey

Joey: I've been watching some tapes. How's this? [in a British accent] Jessica Lockhart will never step foot in this place again! Never!
Cecilia Monroe: Oh, but Jessica doesn't have an English accent.
Joey: I can do an English accent? That baby's going on my resume.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: What is that?
Chandler: I think it's the Dying Cat Parade.
Monica: It sounds like it's coming from across the street.
Chandler: Oh, my God.
Monica: What?
Chandler: You know that thing that Ross was gonna do at our wedding? He was hanging out with me yesterday and he turned to me and said, "You're half Scottish, right?"
Monica: No. There is no way. It cannot be Ross. Unbelievable. Why is your family Scottish?
Chandler: Why is your family Ross?

Quote from Joey

Monica: Who are they killing off?
Joey: Cecilia Monroe. She plays Jessica Lockhart.
Rachel and Monica: No!
Rachel: She is so good at throwing drinks in people's faces. I mean, I don't think I've ever seen her finish a beverage.
Monica: And the way she slaps people, wouldn't you love to do that just once.
Chandler: Don't do it.
Joey: And she's been on the show forever. It's gonna be really hard to fill her shoes.
Ross: Yeah, yeah. Help me out here. When you come out of the "brain transplant" you are going to be her?
Joey: Yes, but in Drake Ramoray's body.
[Ross stammers]
Joey: Why is this so hard for you to get? I thought you were a scientist.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: What if he calls his own cell phone to find out who found it and I answer and we start talking and we fell in love? I mean, wouldn't that be a great story? Kind of like a fairy tale for the digital age.

Quote from Joey

Joey: That was a great scene. And that slapped looked so real. How do you do that?
Cecilia Monroe: Oh, just years of experience.
Dina: Can I get some ice here?

Quote from Joey

Joey: I just wanted to say how wonderful I think you are.
Cecilia Monroe: You're not the fan who's dying, are you?
Joey: No, I'm Joey Tribbiani. We did a scene together yesterday. I'm the guy in the coma.
Cecilia Monroe: Oh, that was a real person?

Quote from Joey

Joey: I just wanted to say, since I'm getting your brain when you leave the show I was wondering if there's any tips-
Cecilia Monroe: I'm leaving the show?
Joey: I don't know. Why? Did you hear something?
Cecilia Monroe: Who told you that?
Joey: One of the writers.
Cecilia Monroe: Which writer? Was it bald or was it tall? You know, it doesn't matter, because it is not true.
Joey: Okay.
Cecilia Monroe: And if it were true, how dare you come to me and ask me for tips about a character I've played for 20 years! I'll give you a tip- [throws a drink in Joey's face]
Joey: Miss Monroe- [Cecilia slaps him] Oh, there you go.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: First name on the speed dial is "Mom."
Phoebe: Oh. I lost my mom to suicide.
Rachel: Okay, no way. You ca not use that to get the cute guy and the last blueberry muffin.
Phoebe: Did I use that already today? I'm sorry.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Oh, I win. He's got Barney's on his speed dial.
Phoebe: You don't know it's Barney's the store. That could be his friend's house or a bar- Who has Barney's the store on their speed dial?
Rachel: His new girlfriend.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: He cannot play at our wedding. I mean, everyone will leave. Come on, that is just noise! It's not even a song.
Chandler: Wait. If you listen very carefully I think it's "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: Pheebs, remember when we were in the coffeehouse we decided I was gonna keep the cute guy's cell phone?
Phoebe: Yep.
Rachel: And remember how I said I was gonna keep it in my purse, so that if it rang, I could just pick it up?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: And then do you remember going into my purse and stealing the phone?
Phoebe: Ooh, now you lost me.
Rachel: You stole the phone.
Phoebe: No, I didn't.
Rachel: No? So you're saying if I called it, it wouldn't ring?
Phoebe: No.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: But while you dial, let me show you the features of my new ringing handbag. Oh, it does work.

Quote from Rachel

Phoebe: That is a different phone.
Rachel: Oh, is it? Hello. Yes, hi. Is Rachel there? Yes, she is. Just one moment, please. It's for me!
Phoebe: That is damning evidence.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Well, I feel like a snack.
Monica: Do you want some shortbread? See, it's Scottish, like you are.
Chandler: Oh, no, thanks. I don't like anything from my Scottish heritage.
Ross: What?
Chandler: Well, it's just that my entire family was run out of Scotland by ... Vikings.
Ross: Well, it sounds to me like your family is ready to rediscover its Scottish roots.
Monica: You can't play bagpipes at the wedding!
Ross: How did you know about that?
Chandler: We heard you play from our apartment.
Ross: Were you the ones who called the cops?
Chandler: That's not really important right now.

Quote from Ross

Chandler: What is important is, while we appreciate the gesture we just don't feel that bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding.
Ross: Why not?
Chandler: Because we hate them.
Ross: Just give me a chance to perform for you, then decide whatever you want. I'm not gonna tell you what song I'm gonna play, either. But let's just say when it's over I'll bet there'll be a wee bit o' celebration.

Quote from Joey

Cecilia Monroe: Well, you certainly own that room.
Joey: Actually, I rent the whole place. And I just got what you meant. Thank you.

Quote from Joey

Rachel: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, Jessica Lockhart! In my apartment! I am such a huge fan.
I am such a huge fan.
Cecilia Monroe: Well, itt's nice to know that you-
Rachel: Monica! Monica!
Joey: That's my roommate, Rachel.
Cecilia Monroe: Oh, that explains all the women's underwear.
Joey: Sure.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Oh, my God, it's true. Can I just ask you to do me just one favor?
Cecilia Monroe: Certainly.
Monica: Would you slap me right here in the face?
Cecilia Monroe: I'd love to, but my lawyer said I can't do that anymore.
Joey: All right, here we go.
Monica: No, wait. Just one moment. You're a stupid bitch.
Cecilia Monroe: I really can't slap you.
Monica: My God, you're great.
Joey: Thanks for stopping by. See ya.

Quote from Joey

Cecilia Monroe: How does it happen?
Joey: You get thrown from a horse into an electric fence.
Cecilia Monroe: A what? Jessica hates horses.
Joey: Yeah, well, I'm guessing after this she's not gonna be crazy about electricity, either.

Quote from Joey

Cecilia Monroe: Good news. I got another job.
Joey: Great. Hey, all right. What is it?
Cecilia Monroe: A film in Guadalajara.
Joey: The airport?
Cecilia Monroe: No, that's LaGuardia. This is Mexico.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Well, how long will you be gone?
Cecilia Monroe: Eight months.
Joey: Wow. That's a really long time.
Cecilia Monroe: Yeah, but you could come and visit me. I bet you could own a few places down there.
Joey: Oh, I tell you, I should probably buy a place in the city first. And I just got what you meant. That is- I'll tell you, that's a tricky one.
Cecilia Monroe: It's a tricky one.


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