Helena Handbasket: And who is your friend?
Monica: I'm Monica.
Helena Handbasket: Monica. Where are you from?
Monica: New York.
Helena Handbasket: I'm not very fond of New York. Queens, I like. Ooh, what is this sparkling something, honey, huh?
Chandler: Actually, Monica and I are engaged.
Helena Handbasket: Really? Congratulations. When's the big day?
Monica: In two weeks.
Helena Handbasket: I see. Well, I wish you both a lifetime of happiness. So, you're bald.
Chandler: Wait, wait. We'd really love it if you could be there.
Helena Handbasket: Really?
Chandler: I know it would make me happy ... ma'am.
Helena Handbasket: Then I wouldn't miss it for the world. Oh, I'm getting all misty here. You'd think I was having my legs waxed or something.
Monica: You okay?
Chandler: Yeah. Thanks for making me do this.

Officer Petty: Good evening, sir. Do you know how fast you were traveling back there?
Ross: No, I don't, but it could not have been more than 60.
Officer Petty:You're right. It was 37.
Ross: I mean, you're not going to give me a ticket for driving too slow, are you?
Officer Petty: That's right.
Ross: You know, officer. I had the weirdest dream last night.
Rachel: Oh, my God!
Officer Petty: Your license, please.
Ross: You don't want to hear about my dream Officer Pretty?
Officer Petty: It's Petty. I'll be right back with your ticket.
Rachel: You have a son.
Ross: I know. I know.

Officer Hanson: And in the mean time, you better let him drive. Does he have a license? Can he handle a stick?
Rachel: Well...
Ross: I can handle a stick!

Phoebe: And, you know, Jake says that women's underwear is actually more comfortable. And he loves the way the silk feels against his skin.
Joey: Yeah, well, next thing you know he'll be telling your high heels are good for his posture.
Phoebe: There is nothing wrong with Jake, okay. He is all man. I think even more than you.
Joey: Oh, yeah. He looked like a real lumberjack in those pink lacies.
Phoebe: I'm just saying that only a man completely secure in his masculinity could walk around in women's underwear. I don't think you could ever do that.
Joey: Hey, I am secure with my masculinity.
Phoebe: Okay, whatever.
Joey: You've seen my huge stack of porn, right?

Joey: So, you and Phoebe, huh? How long you been going out?
Jake: Over a month.
Joey: Wow. Maybe you and I ought to get to know each other a little better.
Jake: Sure. I'd like that.
Joey: Yeah. So, uh, what's your name?

Chandler: What's this?
Monica: It's your suitcase. We're going to Vegas.
Chandler: Are you serious? You mean like, eloping? No more stupid wedding stuff. No more of these flowers, or these flowers, or these flowers. Think of the money we'll save. We're not eloping. I love the flowers. Can our wedding be bigger, please?

Chandler: Forget it. I don't want to go. I don't want to see him.
Monica: Chandler, look, I know your dad embarrassed you.
Chandler: No, no. All kids are embarrassed by their parents. You'd have to come up with a whole new word for what I went through. When I was in high school, he used to come to all my swim meets dressed as a different Hollywood starlet. It was hard enough being 14, you're skinny, you're wearing Speedos that your mom promised you'd grow into. And you look up into the stands. And there's your dad cheering you on. Dressed as Carmen Miranda, wearing a headdress with real fruit that he will later hand out to your friends as a healthy snack.

Monica: Hey, the point is that he was at every one of your swim meets and he was there cheering you on. That's a pretty great dad.
Chandler: He had sex with Mr. Garibaldi.
Monica: Who's Mr. Garibaldi?
Chandler: Does it matter?!
Monica: Chandler, you're not 14 anymore, okay? Maybe it's time that you let that stuff go. If your father's not at your wedding, you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life.

Joey: Pheebs, you know how when you're wearing pants and you lean forward I check out your underwear? Well, when Jake did it I saw that he was wearing women's underwear.
Phoebe: I know. They were mine.
Joey: Oh! No, no, wait. That's weird.
Phoebe: No, it's not. We were just goofing around, and I dared him to try them on.
Joey: That's weird!
Phoebe: I'm wearing his briefs right now.
Joey: That's kind of hot.
Phoebe: I think so too. And that little flap? Great for holding my lipstick.

Rachel: God, I forgot how much I love driving. I have got to get my license renewed.