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‘The One with All the Jealousy’ Quotes

Friends: The One with All the Jealousy

312. The One with All the Jealousy

Aired January 16, 1997

Ross is sure that Rachel's new co-worker, Mark, is trying to lure her away from him. Meanwhile, Monica dates a poetic busboy at the diner and Joey is forced to teach a Broadway cast to dance after a lie on his resume catches up with him.

Quote from Ross

Chandler: Hey, what are you doing Friday?
Ross: Why?
Chandler: I need you to come to this bachelor party for my weird cousin Albert. You know, he's the botanist?
Ross: Oh, God. Yeah, botanists are such geeks.
Chandler: Yeah. Is that a dinosaur tie?
Ross: Yeah. [roaring]

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Quote from Joey

Joey: It is me. It's a musical version of "A Tale of Two Cities," so I think I'm going to sing "New York, New York," and, uh- Oh, "I Left My Heart in San Francisco."
Ross: Uh, Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities.
Joey: What?
Ross: Mr. Dickens gets to pick them.
Joey: Who?
Chandler: I'll get you the CliffsNotes.
Joey: The what?
Chandler: The abridgment.
Joey: Oh, okay. Ha, ha. [to Ross] The what?

Quote from Ross

Mark: Rachel Green's line. How may I help you?
Ross: Hi. Is Rachel there?
Mark: And who may I say is calling?
Ross: This is Ross.
Mark: Ross of?
Ross: Of "Ross and Rachel."

Quote from Joey

Chandler: Meanwhile, she is talking to him about you, and he's being Mr. Joe Sensitive. And she starts thinking, "Maybe this guy is for me because he understands me."
Joey: And before you know it, she's with him. And you'll be all, "Oh, man," and he'll be all, "Yes." Huh? And us, we'll be like, "Oh, dude." And pretty soon, you'll be like, [sad voice] "Hi." And, and, and, "Well, I can't go. Rachel and Mark might be there." And we'll be like, "Man, get over it. It's been four years."
Chandler: He paints quite a picture, doesn't he?

Quote from Gunther

Ross: It's just, what you have to realize is, this whole Mark thing is really hard for me.
Rachel: Honey, why is it hard? We've been together for almost a year now.
Ross: Well, I was with Carol for like eight years, and I lost her. And now, if it's possible, I think I love you even more. So it's hard for me to believe that I'm not going to well, that someone else isn't going to take you away.
Gunther: Let it be me. Let it be me.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: Bye, Chandler.
Chandler: Listen, this pen's getting kind of boring, so can you pick me up some porn?

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: Okay, hey. Does everybody hate these shoes?
Chandler: Oh, yeah. But don't worry. I don't think anybody's going to focus on that when you're wearing that towel dress.

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: Rach, I'm here with the purses.
Chandler: It must take you forever to find your keys.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: Is this actually a lunch box?
Phoebe: Um, no. It's a purse, and there's a thermos in it.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: He's very excited about the bachelor party, though. I think actually the only reason he's getting married is so he can see a stripper.
Phoebe: A stripper at a bachelor party. That is so cliche. Why don't you guys get a magician?
Chandler: Well, if a magician can open my beer with his butt cheeks, then all right.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: What am I going to do?
Chandler: You don't do anything. Keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings. And don't cry out loud.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: Guess who has an audition for a Broadway musical?
Chandler: I want to say you, but it seems like such an easy answer.

Quote from Ross

Ross: What, uh, what's Mark doing answering your phone?
Rachel: Oh, he's just goofing around.
Ross: Oh, that's- That's funny. Why isn't he goofing around in his own office?
Rachel: Ha, ha. Honey, this is his office, too. I told you, we're Joanna's two assistants.
Ross: Why does Joanna need two assistants? How lazy is she?

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: Well, can you, like, dance at all?
Joey: Yeah, I can dance. You know-
Chandler: Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Phoebe: What- What is that?
Joey: Sure, it looks stupid now. There's no music playing.
Chandler: [phone rings] All right, I have to get that. But no, no.

Quote from Joey

Monica: Look, I got to tell you this. Last night, we were fooling around, and all of a sudden he stops to write a poem.
Joey: Get out. I couldn't stop if a meteor hit me.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: Okay, we have our stripper, a Miss Crystal Chandelier.
Joey: Well, sure, you name a kid that, what do you expect them to grow up to be?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Oh, poor Monica.
Chandler: What? What? What?
Phoebe: What? He was with her when he wrote this poem. Look. "My vessel so lovely with nothing inside. Now that I've touched you, you seem emptier still. " He thinks Monica's empty.
She's the empty vase.
Chandler: You really think that's what he meant?
Phoebe: Totally.

Quote from Ross

Ross: I'm hurt. I'm actually hurt that you would think I would send you any of those things out of anything other than love. Hurt. Hurt.
Rachel: All right, Ross, I get it. You're hurt.

Quote from Ross

Chandler: Instead of hitting on her right away, he's becoming her confidante. Now, he's going to be the guy that she goes to to complain about you.
Ross: What am I going to do?
Chandler: Well, why don't you send her a musical bug? Oh, no. You already did that.

Quote from Ross

Ross: I have been down in your store for twenty minutes, trying to get a tie. What do I have to do to get some service? Hi, Rach.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: I've got to go pick up Ben. We've got a play date this afternoon.
Rachel: Oh. With who?
Ross: Just this woman I met last night at the party.
Rachel: There was a woman at-? The stripper?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: You have a play date with a stripper?
Chandler: Man, I got to get a kid.

Quote from Rachel

Ross: We started talking after she, you know, did her thing, and it turns out she's got a boy about Ben's age. So we're going to take the kids to a Gymboree class. Is that okay?
Rachel: Sure. Is she married?
Ross: Uh, no.
Rachel: Huh.
Ross: Are you jealous?
Rachel: No. You know, I just don't see why she has to play with you, that's all. I mean, doesn't she, you know, have any other stripper mom friends of her own?

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: Well, there's a kiss he won't forget for a few hours, you know?
Chandler: Yeah. Either that, or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Are you enjoying it?
Julio: I thought that I would, but the translation's no good.
Monica: You're a poet and you don't know it.

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: Tell him.
Ross: It's her first day at this new job. You're not supposed to start with her.
Chandler: All right. I suppose I can wait a day.

Quote from Joey

Chandler: "Three years of modern dance with Twyla Tharp? Five years with the American Ballet Theatre?"
Joey: Hey, everybody lies on their resume, okay? I wasn't one of the Zoom kids either.

Quote from Ross

Barbershop Quartet: [singing] Congratulations On your first week At your brand new job It won't be long Before you're the boss [scatting] And you know who will be there To support you Your one and only boyfriend It's nice to have a boyfriend Mm-mmm Your loyal, loving boyfriend, Ross.
Ross!

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: So did you have fun at the bachelor party last night?
Chandler: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Look what I got. See? She's fully dressed, right?
Rachel: Right.
Chandler: And then you click it and, uh-oh, she's naked. And then you click it again and she's dressed. She's a business woman. She's walking down the street. She's window shopping, and, oh, oh, oh, she's naked.


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