TV Quotes

Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.
Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise they don't let you do it.

Ross: You're not serious. I mean, you really talk to it?
Susan: Yeah, all the time. I want the baby to know my voice.
Ross: Do you talk about me?
Susan: Yeah, yeah. All the time.
Ross: Really?
Susan: But, we just refer to you as "Bobo the Sperm Guy."

Rachel: Wait, wait, Chandler, this is what you're having for Thanksgiving dinner? What is it with you and this holiday?
Chandler: I'm 9 years old.
Ross: Ugh, I hate this story!
Chandler: We've just finished this magnificent Thanksgiving dinner. I have - and I remember this vividly - a mouthful of pumpkin pie. And this is the moment my parents decide to tell me they're getting divorced.
Rachel: Oh, my God!
Chandler: Yes, yes. Very difficult to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner once you've seen it in reverse.

Monica: Does anybody wanna split this?
Joey: I will.
Phoebe: Okay, you guys have to make a wish.
Monica: Make a wish?
Phoebe: Come on, you know, Thanksgiving. You got the bigger half! What did you wish for?
Joey: The bigger half.

Chandler: Do you know which one you're going to be?
Joey: No, but I hear Lyme disease is open, so you know [crosses his fingers].
Chandler: Good luck, man. I hope you get it.

Monica: Rach, are you still gonna make it to Vail?
Rachel: Absolutely. Shoop, shoop, shoop. Only $102 to go.
Chandler: I thought it was $98.50?
Rachel: Yeah, well, it was, but I broke a cup.

Joey: So I guess you all saw it.
Phoebe: What? Saw what? No, we're just laughing. You know how laughter can be infectious.

Joey: Set another place for Thanksgiving. My entire family thinks I have VD.
Chandler: Tonight on a very special Blossom.

Joey: Hey, Monica, I got a question. I don't see any tator tots.
Monica: That's not a question.
Joey: My mom always makes them. It's like a tradition. You get a piece of turkey on your fork, a little cranberry sauce and a tot! I mean, it's bad enough I can't be with my family because of my disease.

Rachel: Terry, I know I haven't worked here very long but would it be possible if I got a $100 advance on my salary?
Terry: An advance?
Rachel: It's so that I can spend Thanksgiving with my family. You see, every year we go skiing in Vail, and my father pays for my ticket. But I've sort of started this independence thing, which is actually why I took this "job".
Terry: Rachel, Rachel, sweetheart! You're a terrible, terrible waitress. Really, really awful.
Rachel: Okay, I hear what you're saying. I'm with you. But I'm trying really hard, and I think I'm doing better. I really do. Does anybody need coffee?
[Hands go up all over the coffee shop]
Guy: Yeah, over here.
Rachel: Look at that.

Rachel: Excuse me, sir? Hi. You come in here all the time. Do you think there's a possibility that you could advance me my tips?

Phoebe: What were you modeling for?
Joey: You know those posters for the City Free Clinic.
Monica: Oh, wow. So you're gonna be one of those healthy, healthy, healthy guys?
Phoebe: You know, the asthma guy's really cute.

Monica: I tell you what, how about I cook dinner at my place? I'll make it just like Mom's.
Ross: Will you make the mashed potatoes with the lumps?
Monica: You know they're not actually supposed to- I'll work on the lumps.

Monica: Joey, you're going home?
Joey: Yeah.
Monica: And, Chandler, I assume you're still boycotting all the pilgrim holidays?
Chandler: Yes, every single one of them.

Monica: And Phoebe you're going to be with your grandmother.
Phoebe: Yeah, and her boyfriend. But we're celebrating Thanksgiving in December because he's lunar.

Ross: Well, l'm off to Carol's.
Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, why don't we invite her?
Ross: Ooh, ooh, because she's my ex-wife and will probably want to bring her ooh, ooh, lesbian life partner.

Ross: Is Carol here?
Susan: No, she's at a faculty meeting.
Ross: I just came by to pick up my skull. Well, not mine, but...
Susan: Come in.
Ross: Thanks. Well, Carol borrowed it for a class, and I have to get it back to the museum.
Susan: What's it look like?
Ross: Kind of like a big face without skin.
Susan: Yes, I'm familiar with the concept.

Ross: Hey, Yertle the Turtle! A classic.
Susan: Actually, I'm reading it to the baby.
Ross: The baby that hasn't been born yet? Wouldn't that mean you're crazy?

Phoebe: Oh, I believe it. I think the baby can hear everything.
Ross: Really?
Phoebe: I can show you. Okay, this'll seem a little weird. But you put your head inside this turkey and then we'll all talk and you'll hear everything we say.
Chandler: I'd just like to say I'm totally behind this experiment. In fact, I'd very much like to butter your head.

Monica: Hey, Rach, did you make your money?
Rachel: No, not even close. Forget Vail. Forget seeing my family. Forget shoop, shoop, shoop.

Rachel: Oh, my God! You guys are great!
Monica: We all chipped in.
Ross: We did?
Monica: You owe me $20.

Monica: Chandler, here you go, we got your traditional holiday feast. We got your Tomato soup, your grilled-cheese fixings and your family-size bag of Funyuns.

Monica: What?
Ross: I don't know. It's just not the same without Mom in the kitchen.
Monica: Ugh. All right, that's it. Just get out of my way and stop annoying me.
Ross: Oh, that's closer.

Rachel: I got the tickets. I got the tickets. Five hours from now, shoop, shoop, shoop!
Chandler: Oh, you must stop shooping.

Joey: Chandler, will you you just come in already?
Chandler: Oh, no thank you, I prefer to keep a safe distance from all this merriment.

Phoebe: Oh, look out! Incoming pumpkin pie!
Chandler: You know we all laughed when you did it with the stuffing, but that's not funny any more.

Monica: All right. Fine. Tonight's potatoes will be both mashed, with lumps, and in the form of tots.

Phoebe: Okay, all done.
Monica: Phoebe, did you whip the potatoes? Ross needs lumps!
Phoebe: Oh, l'm sorry! I just I thought we could have them whipped and then add some peas and onions.
Monica: Why would we do that?
Phoebe: Because then they'd be just like my mom used to make it, before she died.
Monica: Okay. Three kinds of potatoes coming up.

Chandler: The most unbelievable thing has happened! Underdog's gotten away!
Joey: The balloon?
Chandler: No, no, the actual cartoon character. Of course the balloon!

Chandler: It's all over the news. Right before he reached Macy's he broke free and was spotted flying over Washington Square Park. I'm going to the roof. Who's with me?
Rachel: I can't! I gotta go.
Chandler: Come on, an 80-foot inflatable dog loose over the city? How often does that happen?
Phoebe: Almost never.

Ross: Okay. Where am I talking to here? There is one way that seems to offer a certain acoustical advantage, but.
Carol: Just aim for the bump.

Ross: You know, I can't do this. This is- It's too weird. I feel stupid.
Carol: It's fine. You don't have to do it just because Susan does it.
Ross: Hello, baby. Hello.

Joey: Wait. We have a copy of your key.
Monica: Get it!
Joey: That tone won't make me go any faster.
Monica: Joey!
Joey: That one will.

Ross: And everyone's telling me, "You gotta pick a major." So on a dare, I picked paleontology. And you have no idea what I'm saying, because, face it, you're a fetus. You're just happy you don't have gills anymore.

Carol: You don't have to talk to it. You can sing.
Ross: Please. I am not singing to your stomach, okay?
Susan: [entering the apartment] How's it going?
Ross: [singing] Here we come, Walking down the street, Get the funniest looks from, Everyone we meet, Hey, hey-
Hey, did you just feel that?
Carol: I did.
Ross: Does it always?
Carol: No, no, that was the first.
Susan: Keep singing! Keep singing!
Ross: [singing] Hey, hey, you 're my baby, And I can 't wait to meet you, When you come out I'll buy you a bagel, Then we 'll go to the zoo-
Carol: lt did it again!
Susan: I felt it that time!
Ross: [singing] Hey, hey, I'm your daddy, I'm the one without any breasts.

Rachel: Why do you guys have so many keys in there anyway?
Chandler: For an emergency just like this.
Rachel: All right. Listen, smirky! If it wasn't for your stupid balloon, I'd be on a plane watching a woman do this [gestures like a flight attendant pointing out the emergency exits] right now. But l'm not!

Monica: Why? Because everything's my responsibility? Isn't it enough that l'm making dinner? Everyone wants a different kind of potato, so I'm making different kinds of potatoes. Does anybody care what kind of potatoes I want? No! No! No! You know, just as long as Phoebe gets her peas and onions, and Mario gets his tots. It's my first Thanksgiving, and I- It's all burnt, and I can't. [high-pitched wailing]
Chandler: Hey, Monica, only dogs can hear you now.

[Everyone is arguing]
Monica: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
Chandler: Now this feels like Thanksgiving.

Chandler: Shall I carve?
Rachel: By all means.
Chandler: Okay, who wants light cheese, and who wants dark cheese?
Ross: I don't even want to know about the dark cheese.

Chandler: All right, I'd like to propose a toast. A little toast here. Ding, ding! I know this isn't exactly the Thanksgiving all of you planned but for me, this has been really great, you know. I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking if you'd gone to Vail, or if you guys had been with your family, or if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together. So, I guess what l'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked.
Phoebe: That's so sweet!
Rachel: Thank you.
Ross: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas!
Rachel: And a crappy New Year!

Chandler: And this from the Cry for Help Department: Are you wearing makeup?
Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I'm officially Joey Tribbiani, actor/model.
Chandler: That's funny. I was thinking you look more like, Joey Tribbiani, man/woman.

Phoebe: Ew. Ugly Naked Guy's taking his turkey out of the oven.
Rachel: Who cares?
Phoebe: Oh, my God! He's not alone. Ugly Naked Guy is having Thanksgiving dinner with Ugly Naked Gal.
Joey: I gotta see this! All right, Ugly Naked Guy!
Monica: Ooh, ugly naked dancing!
Phoebe: It's nice that he has someone.