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‘The One Where Rachel Tells...’ Quotes

Friends: The One Where Rachel Tells...

803. The One Where Rachel Tells...

Aired October 11, 2001

As Chandler and Monica leave for their honeymoon, Rachel gets ready to break the news to the father of her baby. After realizing that Chandler and Monica didn't trust them enough to leave them a key to their apartment, Joey and Phoebe pretend there's a gas leak to get Mr. Treeger to unlock the apartment.

Quote from Rachel

Ross: I just want you to know that I'm going to be there through this whole thing. Okay. The doctor's appointments, the Lamaze classes, baby-proofing the apartment. Although, we can probably worry about that after we get married.
Rachel: Married?
Ross: Well, yeah, I think we should get married.
Rachel: Because that's your answer to everything?

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Quote from Ross

Ross: I'm just saying. If you can't eat by yourself, how do you expect to have a baby by yourself?
Rachel: I can too eat by myself.
Ross: When have you ever?
Rachel: When certain people leave the table and I am not finished.
Ross: Well, certain other people take two hours to eat a bowl soup.
Rachel: Please, you inhale your food.
Ross: I grew up with Monica. If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat!

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Okay, Ross. Come on, let's just forget about the condoms.
Ross: Well, I may as well have!

Quote from Ross

Ross: Yeah, I- I'm just, I don't know. I don't understand ... how this happened. We used a condom.
Rachel: I know. But you know, condoms only work, like, 97% of the time.
Ross: What? What? What?! Well, they should put that on the box!
Rachel: They do.
Ross: No, they don't! Well, they should put it in huge block letters!

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: You guys know that Rachel and I slept together, but there's something else. Rachel's pregnant.
Phoebe: Holy mother of God!
Joey: Oh, my God. I can't believe it!
Ross: With my child.
Phoebe: That is brand-new information!
Ross: You already know, don't you?
Phoebe: A little bit.

Quote from Joey

Ross: Then when I turned around, she was gone.
Phoebe: Oh, Ross.
Ross: But, hey, in my defense, I just found out that condoms are only like 97% effective.
Joey: What?
Ross: I gotta go find her.
Joey: Hey. Hold on! Are you serious? So, like, three percent of the time they don't even work? Huh? They should put that on the box!
Ross: Evidently, they do.
Joey: What?!

Quote from Chandler

Hotel Clerk: As a wedding gift to you, the hotel would like to give you the Honeymoon Suite.
Monica: No! You have been screwing us all day!
Guy: Who are you?
Chandler: We're you. Just 10 seconds later!

Quote from Chandler

Joey: Hey, Monica, it's Joey. Phoebe and I smell gas coming from your apartment.
Monica: What? Are you serious? Joey smells gas.
Chandler: What else is new?

Quote from Monica

Rachel: And I also I wanted you guys to know I am telling the father today. What? What? What?
Joey: We know it's Ross.
Rachel: How? How do you know?
Phoebe: It was his sweater. But, oh, my God.
Rachel: I so I wanted Ross to know first, but I'm relieved you guys know.
Monica: This is so great. I'm gonna be your baby's aunt.
Rachel: I know.
Phoebe: Me too.
Joey: I'm gonna be an uncle. Come here.
Rachel: You'll all going to be aunts and uncles.
Monica: Yeah, but I'm the only one related by blood.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Hey. What was that all about?
Monica: Well, I guess there's no harm in telling you now. Rachel and Ross are going to have a baby.
Chandler: [high-pitched voice:] What? I didn't even know! Why didn't you tell me? Why am I talking like this?

Quote from Chandler

Monica: I didn't think you could keep it a secret.
Chandler: [high-pitched voice:] What? [normal voice:] I am an excellent secret-keeper. I have kept all our secrets.
Joey: What secrets?
Chandler: No, no, Joey. I'm not gonna tell you because I am an excellent secret-keeper.
Joey: Psst. You'll tell me later?
Chandler: You already know.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: It's so romantic to send people off on their honeymoon.
Joey: You know, Monica and Chandler are married. Ross and Rachel are having a baby. Maybe you and I should do something.
Phoebe: All in good time, my love. All in good time.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Why would they take our keys?
Phoebe: Maybe they don't trust us.
Joey: No, that's not it. They let me keep my key the last time they were out of town.
Phoebe: You mean the time you broke the ketchup bottle and cleaned it up with Monica's guest towels?
Joey: Hey, I washed those.
Phoebe: No, you didn't.
Joey: Yeah, that didn't sound like me.

Quote from Joey

Joey: Mr. Treeger? I need to get into Monica's apartment. It's an emergency! Uh, gas leak. Oh, and bring garlic bread.

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: I think I might know what this is about.
Joey: Really?
Ross: Yeah. We promised we weren't gonna tell anybody this, but a month ago, Rachel and I slept together.
Phoebe: And?
Ross: Wow, I thought you'd be a little more shocked.
Phoebe: Oh, sorry. And?!

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: Well, we said we'd just do it that one time but now I think she may wanna start things up again.
Joey: Yeah, I don't think that's what it is.
Ross: Why? What else could it be?
Joey: Oh, wow, I don't feel well.
Ross: I'm telling you, that's what it is. No wonder she was looking at me funny at the wedding. She didn't say anything to you?
Phoebe: [to Joey] Maybe it's something you ate.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Did you hear that? They bumped them up to first class because it's their honeymoon. Come on, let's act like we're on our honeymoon.
Chandler: We are on our honeymoon.
Monica: Grab my ass.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: See, if we'd gone around them like I said, she would have given us those tickets. Damn it.
Chandler: 25 J and K, any chance those aren't together?

Quote from Monica

Chandler: Just act like you belong.
Monica: Oh, my God! Oranges!
Airline Employee: Sir, may I see your tickets, please?
Chandler: Yes, of course.
Airline Employee: I'm sorry. Would you move your thumb? I can't see the seat number.
Chandler: Oh, that's all right. I have it memorized. It's 1 A.
Airline Employee: Sir, this is not a first class ticket. I'm sorry.
Chandler: Apology accepted. Excuse us.
Airline Employee: Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Monica: Fine. [Monica grabs an orange] Go, go, go!

Quote from Ross

Ross: Ross and Rachel. Rachel and Ross. It's been one heck of a seesaw, hasn't it?
Rachel: What?
Ross: I mean, look, that one night we had was fun and certainly passionate. But don't you think maybe it's better if we just stay friends?
Rachel: Seriously, what?
Ross: Okay, okay. You know what? If you want to, we can do it one more time. I'd be okay with that. In fact, I have some time right now.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: You know what? Can I talk now?
Ross: Oh, sure.
Rachel: I'm pregnant. Ross? Ross? Okay, whenever you're ready. [Rachel starts reading a magazine] And you're the father, by the way, but you got that.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: Look, I was really freaked out too when-
Ross: Freaked out? I'm not freaked out. I'm indignant as a consumer.
Rachel: You know what? Let's talk later.
Ross: No, I wanna talk now. In fact, I wanna talk to the president of the condom company.
Rachel: Okay, you know, maybe I should come back-
Ross: Yeah, I'll press one.

Quote from Ross

Ross: It's just I don't think I handled it very well.
Joey: What did you say to her?
Ross: Nothing. But the complaint department at the condom company got an earful.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: You already got the first class tickets, you got the lounge. I mean, we should get free stuff, too. I mean, you're not the only ones on your honeymoon.
Woman: Well, you can have the suite if you want. We don't care about where we stay. We're here to celebrate our love for each other, not to get free stuff. We just want to be together.
Chandler: We need the stuff.

Quote from Rachel

Ross: We need to talk.
Rachel: Right now? Because I've kind of got an alfresco situation going on over here.
Ross: Please. Please. I want to apologize for the way I acted earlier today.
Rachel: Okay, Ross, that's fine. But can you please stay up near my head?
Ross: Yeah, sorry. I think I went a little crazy. I was thinking about me when I should've been thinking about you-
Rachel: Head, Ross! Head!

Quote from Rachel

Dr. Long: Everything looks good. Here it is on the screen. There's your uterus and right here is your baby.
Ross: Oh, my God.
Rachel: Wow. There it is, I see it.
Dr. Long: Congratulations. I'll give you two a minute.
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Thank you. Pretty amazing, huh?
Rachel: [crying] I don't see it.
Ross: What? What?
Rachel: I can't see it.
Ross: You just said that you did.
Rachel: I know, I lied. I didn't want her to think I was a terrible mother. I can't even see my own baby.
Ross: Oh, sure. Come here. Sure you can. Come here.Loo k, it's right there.
Rachel: Oh. Oh, it's beautiful. I see it now.
Ross: Do you really?
Rachel: No, I don't see it!
Ross: Come on. Okay. Okay. You see this tiny thing that looks like a peanut?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Sweetie, that's it.
Rachel: That's it? Well, I saw that.

Quote from Rachel

Phoebe: So how was the doctor?
Rachel: Everything went great.
Phoebe: Good.
Ross: Oh, hey, show them the picture of your uterus.
Joey: I don't see the baby. Where is it?
Rachel: Oh, no. I know. I couldn't see it either at first. But it's right- Ross, I lost it again.


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