‘The One Where Rachel Tells...’
Season 8, Episode 3 - Aired October 11, 2001
As Chandler and Monica leave for their honeymoon, Rachel gets ready to break the news to the father of her baby. After realizing that Chandler and Monica didn't trust them enough to leave them a key to their apartment, Joey and Phoebe pretend there's a gas leak to get Mr. Treeger to unlock the apartment.
Quote from Ross
Ross: I'm just saying. If you can't eat by yourself, how do you expect to have a baby by yourself?
Rachel: I can too eat by myself.
Ross: When have you ever?
Rachel: When certain people leave the table and I am not finished.
Ross: Well, certain other people take two hours to eat a bowl soup.
Rachel: Please, you inhale your food.
Ross: I grew up with Monica. If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat!
Quote from Rachel
Ross: I just want you to know that I'm going to be there through this whole thing. Okay. The doctor's appointments, the Lamaze classes, baby-proofing the apartment. Although, we can probably worry about that after we get married.
Rachel: Married?
Ross: Well, yeah, I think we should get married.
Rachel: Because that's your answer to everything?
Quote from Ross
Rachel: Okay, Ross. Come on, let's just forget about the condoms.
Ross: Well, I may as well have!
Quote from Ross
Ross: Yeah, I- I'm just, I don't know. I don't understand ... how this happened. We used a condom.
Rachel: I know. But you know, condoms only work, like, 97% of the time.
Ross: What? What? What?! Well, they should put that on the box!
Rachel: They do.
Ross: No, they don't! [goes away and retrieves a pack of condoms] Well, they should put it in huge block letters!
Quote from Phoebe
Ross: You guys know that Rachel and I slept together, but there's something else. Rachel's pregnant.
Phoebe: Holy mother of God!
Joey: Oh, my God. I can't believe it!
Ross: With my child.
Phoebe: That is brand-new information!
Ross: You already know, don't you?
Phoebe: A little bit.
Quote from Chandler
Joey: Hey, Monica, it's Joey. Phoebe and I smell gas coming from your apartment.
Monica: What? Are you serious? Joey smells gas.
Chandler: What else is new?
Quote from Joey
Ross: Then when I turned around, she was gone.
Phoebe: Oh, Ross.
Ross: But, hey, in my defense, I just found out that condoms are only like 97% effective.
Joey: What?
Ross: I gotta go find her.
Joey: Hey. Hold on! Are you serious? So, like, three percent of the time they don't even work? Huh? They should put that on the box!
Ross: Evidently, they do.
Joey: What?!
Quote from Chandler
Hotel Clerk: As a wedding gift to you, the hotel would like to give you the Honeymoon Suite.
Monica: No! You have been screwing us all day!
Guy: Who are you?
Chandler: We're you. Just 10 seconds later!
Quote from Monica
Rachel: And I also I wanted you guys to know I am telling the father today. What? What? What?
Joey: We know it's Ross.
Rachel: How? How do you know?
Phoebe: It was his sweater. But, oh, my God.
Rachel: I so I wanted Ross to know first, but I'm relieved you guys know.
Monica: This is so great. I'm gonna be your baby's aunt.
Rachel: I know.
Phoebe: Me too.
Joey: I'm gonna be an uncle. Come here.
Rachel: You'll all going to be aunts and uncles.
Monica: Yeah, but I'm the only one related by blood.
Quote from Chandler
Chandler: Hey. What was that all about?
Monica: Well, I guess there's no harm in telling you now. Rachel and Ross are going to have a baby.
Chandler: [high-pitched voice:] What? I didn't even know! Why didn't you tell me? Why am I talking like this?