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‘The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate’ Quotes

Friends: The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate

101. The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate

Aired September 22, 1994

After Rachel leaves her fiancee at the altar, she moves in with Monica and plans a new independent life in New York. Meanwhile, Chandler and Joey help Ross after his divorce from Carol, and Monica is horrified to find out the guy she slept with lied to her.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: But I don't want to be single, okay? I just want to be married again.
[Rachel rushes into Central Perk wearing a wedding dress]
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars!

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Quote from Chandler

Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Chandler: Then stay out of my freezer.

Quote from Rachel

Monica: You want to tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?
Rachel: Oh, God, well, it started about a half-hour before the wedding. I was in this room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this really gorgeous Limoges gravy boat. When all of a sudden - Sweet 'N Low? - I realized I was more turned on by this gravy boat than Barry. And then I got really freaked out and that's when it hit me: How much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. You know, I mean, I always knew he looked familiar, but-

Quote from Ross

Ross: You know what's scary? What if there's only one woman for everybody? I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, there was only one woman for her.

Quote from Joey

Joey: What are you talking about? One woman. That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream. Let me tell you something. There's lots of flavors out there. There's rocky road and cookie dough and, bing, cherry vanilla. You can get 'em with jimmies or nuts or whipped cream. This is the best thing to happen to you! You got married. You were like, what, 8? Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon!

Quote from Ross

Ross: This was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can. I should have known.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Come on, Daddy, listen to me! It's like all of my life, everyone has always told me, "You're a shoe!" "You're a shoe!" "You're a shoe!" And then today I just stopped and said, What if I don't want to be a shoe? What if I want to be a purse? Or a hat? No, I don't want you to buy me a hat! I'm saying that I am a hat. It's a metaphor, Daddy!
Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I'm totally naked.
Phoebe: I've had that dream.
Chandler: Then I look down and I realize there is a phone ... there.
Joey: Instead of?
Chandler: That's right!
Joey: Never had that one.
Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. And it turns out it's my mother. Which is very, very weird because she never calls me.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.
Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: All right, kids, I've got to get to work. If I don't input those numbers, it doesn't make much of a difference.

Quote from Chandler

Rachel: Would anybody like more coffee?
Chandler: Did you make it or are you just serving it?
Rachel: I'm just serving it.
Chandler: Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. Did I say that out loud?

Quote from Joey

Joey: Look, you're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is? Strip joints! Hey, you're single. Come on, have some hormones.

Quote from Phoebe

Ross: [to Phoebe] No, don't! Stop cleansing my aura. Just leave my aura alone, okay?

Quote from Ross

Ross: I hope she'll be happy.
Monica: No, you don't.
Ross: No, I don't. To hell with her. She left me!
Joey: You never knew she was a lesbian?
Ross: No! Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know?

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering. "Why am I doing this?" and "Who am I doing this for?" So anyway, I just didn't know where else to go, and I know you and I have kind of drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city.
Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding.
Rachel: I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue.

Quote from Monica

Rachel: Look, Daddy, it's my life. Well, maybe I'll just stay here with Monica.
Monica: I guess we've established she's staying with Monica.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: Just breathe. That's it. Try to think of nice, calm things.
Phoebe: Raindrops on roses, And whiskers on kittens, Doorbells and sleigh bells, And something with mittens, La la la, Something with string-
Rachel: I'm all better now.
Phoebe: I helped.

Quote from Rachel

Ross: So, Rachel what are you up to tonight?
Rachel: Well, I was kind of supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing.

Quote from Ross

Ross: I'm supposed to attach a bracket-y thing to the side things using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no bracket-y thing. I see no worm guys whatsoever. And I cannot feel my legs.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Barry, I'm sorry. I am so sorry. You probably think this is about what I said the other night about you making love with your socks on, but it isn't. It isn't. It's about me. And I just - Hi, machine cut me off again.

Quote from Monica

Rachel: So, like, you guys all have jobs?
Monica: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: They're my new "I don't need a job, I don't need my parents, I've got great boots" boots.
Monica: How did you pay for them?
Rachel: Uh, credit card.
Monica: And who pays for that?
Rachel: Um, my father.

Quote from Rachel

Monica: Come on, you can't live off your parents your whole life.
Rachel: I know that. That's why I was getting married.

Quote from Rachel

Ross: You know, you probably didn't know this, but in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you.
Rachel: I knew.
Ross: You did? Oh. I always figured you thought I was Monica's geeky, older brother.
Rachel: I did.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Are you okay, sweetie?
Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth, and tied it around my neck.
Chandler: Cookie?

Quote from Ross

Ross: Hi.
Joey: This guy says "Hello," I wanna kill myself.

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Buzz him in.
Joey: Who's Paul?
Ross: Paul, the wine guy?
Monica: Maybe.
Joey: Wait a minute, your "not a real date" is with Paul, the wine guy?
Ross: He finally asked you out?
Monica: Yes!
Chandler: Oh, this is a "Dear Diary" moment.

Quote from Chandler

Ross: Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my furniture.
Chandler: Yes and we're very excited about it.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: Morning, Paul.
Rachel: Hello, Paul.
Chandler: Hi. Paul, is it?

Quote from Chandler

Joey: Yeah, I'm an actor.
Rachel: Wow, would I have seen you in anything?
Joey: I doubt it. Mostly regional work.
Monica: Wait, unless you happened to catch the Wee One's production of Pinocchio?
Chandler: Look, Geppetto. I'm a real live boy.
Joey: I will not take this abuse.
Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. [singing] Once I was a wooden boy, A little wooden boy-

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
Rachel: Well, you would be too, if you found Joan and David boots on sale.
Chandler: Oh, how well you know me.

Quote from Monica

Monica: Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it.


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