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‘The One Where Eddie Won't Go’ Quotes

Friends: The One Where Eddie Won't Go

219. The One Where Eddie Won't Go

Aired March 28, 1996

Freaked out by his new roommate's behavior, Chandler demands Eddie move out the apartment. Following the death of his Days of our Lives character, Joey is uncomfortable auditioning for small parts despite needing the money. Meanwhile, Rachel, Phoebe and Monica are captivated by a new book on female empowerment.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Ding-dong, the psycho's gone!

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Quote from Chandler

Chandler: May I help you?
Eddie: Why doesn't my key work, and what's my stuff doing downstairs?
Chandler: I'm sorry. Have we met?
Eddie: It's Eddie, you freak! Your roommate.
Chandler: Well, I'm sorry I already have a roommate.
Joey: Hello.
Chandler: He's lived here for years. I don't know what you're talking about, man.
Eddie: No, he moved out and I moved in.
Chandler: Well, I think we'd remember something like that.
Joey: I know I would.
Eddie: That's a good point. Okay, wow. I guess I got the wrong apartment. I'm terribly sorry.
Joey: Hey, no problem.
Chandler: See you. Goodbye, you fruit-drying psychopath.

Quote from Gunther

Joey: Hey, Gunther. Let me get a lemonade to go.
Gunther: Lemonade? You okay, man?
Joey: It's career stuff. I don't know if you heard but they killed off my character on the show.
Gunther: That's too bad. How'd they do it?
Joey: I fell down an elevator shaft.
Gunther: That sucks. I was buried in an avalanche.
Joey: What?
Gunther: I used to be Bryce on All My Children.

Quote from Chandler

[Monica looks at Chandler as he sleeps on her couch]
Chandler: Bah!
Monica: Argh.
Chandler: Why must everybody watch me sleep? There'll be no more watching me sleep! No more watching!
Monica: I wasn't-
Chandler: No!

Quote from Joey

Joey: [auditioning for a role as a cab driver] All the way to the airport, huh? You know, that's over 30 miles. That's gonna cost you about so bucks.
Casting Director: Excuse me, that's fifty bucks.
Joey: What?
Casting Director: Five-O dollars.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Hey, Eddie. What are you doing here?
Eddie: Nothing really. Just watching you sleep.
Chandler: Why?
Eddie: It makes me feel, um, peaceful. Please.
Chandler: I can't sleep now.
Eddie: You want me to sing?
Chandler: Look, that's it. It's over. I want you out of the apartment now.
Eddie: Whoa. What are you talking about, man?
Chandler: Hannibal Lecter? Better roommate than you.

Quote from Chandler

Eddie: Oh, see, now I don't think you're being fair. One night you see me and you get scared. I mean what about all the other nights when you don't see me? What about last night when you went and got some water and I was nice enough to hide behind the door. What's that about, huh?
Chandler: I didn't realize that. Get out now!
Eddie: You really want me out?
Chandler: Yes, please.
Eddie: Then I want to hear you say it. I want to hear you say you want me out.
Chandler: I want you out.
Eddie: No, no. I want to hear it from your lips.
Chandler: Where'd you hear it before?

Quote from Joey

Monica: For a guy who's recently lost his job, you're in a good mood.
Joey: Hey, I'll be all right. It's not like I'm starting from square one. I was Dr. Drake Ramoray on Days of our Lives. I mean that's got to have some kind of cachet.
Monica: Cachet? Jaunty?
Joey: Chandler gave me word-of-the-day toilet paper.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: It's called Be Your Own Wind Keeper. It's about how women need to become more empowered.
Phoebe: But there's wind. And the wind can make us goddesses. Do you know who takes our wind? Men. They just take it.
Rachel: Men just take our wind?
Phoebe: Uh-huh, all the time. Because they are the lightning-bearers.

Quote from Phoebe

Monica: It is nothing like The Hobbit. It's like reading about every relationship I've ever had. Except for Richard.
Phoebe: Richard would never steal your wind.
Monica: No.
Phoebe: Because he's yummy.
Monica: Yes. But all the others.
Phoebe: Oh, yes. And the part about how they're always drinking from our pool of inner power.
But God forbid we should take a sip.
Joey: Anybody want a cruller?
Phoebe: Okay, this is a typical lightning-bearer thing. Right there. It's like "Hello. Who wants one of my phallic-shaped man-cakes?"

Quote from Estelle

Estelle: Don't worry about it, already. Things happen.
Joey: So you're not mad at me for getting fired and everything?
Estelle: Joey, look at me. Look at me! Do I have lipstick on my teeth?

Quote from Estelle

Estelle: Look, honey. People get fired left and right in this business. I already got you an audition for Another World.
Joey: All right. "Cab Driver Number 2"?
Estelle: You're welcome.
Joey: But I was Dr. Drake Ramoray. How can I go from being a neurosurgeon to driving a cab?
Estelle: Hey, there was a time when I used to play Pickle Tickle with Rick Harrison. Things change. Roll with them.
Joey: But this is a two-line part. It's like taking a step backwards. I'm not gonna do this.
Estelle: Joey. I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Al Minza and his pyramid of dogs. Take any job you can get, and don't make on the floor.

Quote from Phoebe

Rachel: This is like reading about my own life. This book could have been called Be Your Own Wind Keeper, Rachel.
Phoebe: It don't think it would have sold a million copies but it would've made a nice gift for you.

Quote from Joey

Ross: Thirty-five hundred dollars at "Porcelain Safari"?
Joey: My animals. The guy said they suited me. He spoke with an accent. I was all confused.

Quote from Joey

Ross: So suck it up, man. It's a job. It's money.
Joey: Hey, I don't need you getting all judgmental and condescending and pedantic.
Ross: Toilet paper?
Joey: Yeah.

Quote from Chandler

Eddie: I got us a new goldfish. He's a lot feistier than the last one.
Chandler: Maybe because the last one was made by Pepperidge Farm.

Quote from Monica

Phoebe: Question number 28. "Have you ever allowed a lightning-bearer to take your wind?" I would have to say no.
Monica: And I would have to say pa-huh.
Phoebe: What?
Monica: Do you not remember the puppet guy?
Rachel: Yeah, you totally let him wash his feet in the pool of your inner power.
Monica: And his puppet too.

Quote from Monica

Phoebe: Well, at least I didn't let some guy into the forest of my righteous truth on the first date.
Monica: Who?
Phoebe: Paul.
Monica: Oh.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Okay, number 29. "Have you ever betrayed another goddess for a lightning-bearer?" Okay, number 30.
Monica: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's go back to 29.
Rachel: Not to my recollection.
Monica: All right. Danny Arshack, ninth grade. Come on, Rach, you know the bottle was pointing at me.
Rachel: Only because you took up half the circle.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Listen to you two. It's so sad. Looks like I'm going to be going to the goddess meetings alone.
Rachel: Not when they find out you slept with Jason Hurley an hour after he broke up with Monica.
Monica: One hour?
Phoebe: You are such a leaf blower!

Quote from Joey

Joey: Not my parrot. I can't watch this.
Ross: Hey, hold on, hold on. How much for the- How much to save the bird?
Removal Man: Twelve hundred.
Ross: Dollars? You spent $1200 on a plastic bird?
Joey: It was an impulse buy. Near the register.
Ross: Go ahead. Go ahead with the bird. Okay, do you have anything for around $200?
Removal Man: The dog.
Ross: I'll take it. My gift to you, man.
Joey: Thanks, Ross. I really liked that bird, though. But the dog!

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: So are we good?
Monica: We're good.
Rachel: We're good?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Rachel: Okay. Let me take these cakes back because they're going to take it out of my paycheck.

Quote from Chandler

Phoebe: Are you sure this time?
Chandler: Yes, I actually saw him leave. That guy is- Holding a human head. He's holding a human head.
Eddie: Check it out, man. I tore it off some mannequin in the alley behind Macy's.
Monica: There's no alley behind Macy's.
Eddie: So I got it in the Junior Miss department. Big diff.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: So, you want me to help you unpack your stuff?
Joey: Nah, I'm okay. Just so you know, I'm not moving back in because I have to. I mean, I do have to, but. It's just that that place, it wasn't really. I mean, this is.
Chandler: Welcome home, man.

Quote from Chandler

Joey: A little foos?
Chandler: Absolutely.
Joey: What happened to the foosball?
Chandler: Ah, that's a cantaloupe.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Look, are we gonna have to bring this out every time Ross comes over?
Joey: He paid a lot of money for it.
Chandler: I'm gonna hold him a different way. Look, I don't understand. If you hated it so much, why'd you buy it in the first place?
Joey: Well, I had a whole ceramic zoo thing going over there. But without the other ones, it looks tacky.
Chandler: So is he house-trained or is he gonna leave little bathroom tiles all over? Stay. Stay! Good fake dog.

Quote from Rachel

Ross: Sweetie, we've got to go.
Rachel: No.
Ross: No?
Rachel: No. Why do we always have to do everything according to your timetable? Actually, it's the movie theater that has the timetable. It's so you don't miss the beginning.
Rachel: This isn't about the movie theater. This is about you stealing my wind.


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