TV Quotes

Richard: What about my two?
Monica: Well, it just seems like a really small number.
Richard: Right, and?
Monica: And, don't you have a lot of wild oats to sow? Or is that what you're doing with me? Oh, my God. Am I an oat?

Rachel: So what happens next?
Joey: Well, I get the medical award for separating the Siamese twins. Then Amber and I go to Venezuela to meet our other half-brother, Ramon, and that's where I find the world's biggest emerald. It's really big, but it's cursed.
Rachel: So cool.
Chandler: God, that is good TV.

Chandler: Pheebs, play with me.
Phoebe: No. This game is grotesque. Twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar forced to play soccer forever? Uh, hello? Human rights violation.

Eddie: What was that?
Phoebe: I just thought that it'd be fun if the three of us had some beers and got to know each other.
Eddie: Yeah, all right. That's sounds all right.
Phoebe: Oh, good. Oh, no. I have to go, because I'm late for my Green Eggs and Ham discussion group. Tonight, it's "Why he would not eat them on a train." Have fun. Bye.

Eddie: That's good. So who broke up with who?
Chandler: Are you kidding? I broke up with her. She actually thought Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia.
Eddie: That's good, man. When everybody knows that the capital of Cambodia is-
Chandler: Well, It's not Sean Penn.

Joey: Hey, Pheebs, check it out. Check it out.
Phoebe: Ooh, Soap Opera Digest. Oh, that's one of my favorite digests.

Joey: I fall down an elevator shaft? What does this mean? I fall down an elevator shaft?
Messenger: I don't know. I just bring the scripts.
Joey: They can't kill me. I'm Francesca's long-lost son.
Messenger: Right. Could you sign?
Joey: No. No way. I'm not signing that.
Messenger: I don't think that's going to affect the plot of the show.
Joey: How can they do this to me?
Messenger: All right, I'm just gonna go. Sorry.

Richard: You know, I don't need the actual number. Just a ballpark.
Monica: Okay, it is definitely less than a ballpark.

Ross: Good, good. So was your mustache- Did it used to be different?
Richard: No.
Ross: How do you, you know, keep it so neat?
Richard: I have a little comb.
Ross: Oh. What do you call that?
Richard: A mustache comb.
Ross: Interesting.

Richard: Shall we?
Monica: It's not gonna happen. They're doing it tonight. We can do it tomorrow.
Richard: In the future, if I could see the schedule beforehand.

Rachel: Can we watch Joey's show now, please?
Monica: Wait. He's not here yet.
Rachel: He's on the show. He knows what happens.

Monica: Did they just kill off Joey?
Ross: No. [thud on TV] Now maybe.

Rachel: Well, maybe they could find a way to bring you back.
Joey: Na. They said that when they found my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor who could've saved me was me. It's supposed to be some kind of irony.

Phoebe: Here's Monica. She'll have something nice to say.
Monica: I straightened out your shower curtain so you won't get mildew. What? To me, that's nice.

Chandler: Pheebs, don't feel so bad for them. After I finish playing, I break out the plastic women and everybody has a good time.

Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] And a crusty old man, Said I'll do what I can, And the rest of the rats, Played maracas.

Monica: You know how we always stay at your apartment? Well, I thought tonight we'd stay at my place.
Richard: I don't know. I don't have my jammies.
Monica: Well maybe you don't need them.

Phoebe: Oh, this is so nice. I have to make a speech. I just want to say, of all the guys that Monica has been with, and that is a lot, I like you the best.
Richard: Aww. Thank you, Pheebs. That's very sweet. You hear that? She likes me best. And apparently, there have been a lot.
Monica: Not a lot. Phoebe's kidding. Phoebe's crazy.
Rachel: Phoebe's dead.

Chandler: Hey, can I ask you, is Eddie a little-
Eddie: A little what?
Chandler: -bit country?

Phoebe: Is this true? That you write a lot of your own lines?
Joey: Well, kind of, yeah. Like, remember last week when Alex was in the accident? Well, the line in the script was "If we don't get this woman to a hospital, she's going to die." But I made it, "If this woman doesn't get to a hospital she's not gonna live."
Phoebe: Oh, okay. I see what you did there. Aren't you afraid the writers will be kind of mad when they read this?
Joey: Huh. I never really thought about the writers. The scripts just kind of come to my house.
But you know what? This makes me look good, which makes the show look good which makes the writers look good. So how could they be mad about that?