TV Quotes

Chandler: Pheebs, don't feel so bad for them. After I finish playing, I break out the plastic women and everybody has a good time.

Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] And a crusty old man, Said I'll do what I can, And the rest of the rats, Played maracas.

Monica: You know how we always stay at your apartment? Well, I thought tonight we'd stay at my place.
Richard: I don't know. I don't have my jammies.
Monica: Well maybe you don't need them.

Phoebe: Oh, this is so nice. I have to make a speech. I just want to say, of all the guys that Monica has been with, and that is a lot, I like you the best.
Richard: Aww. Thank you, Pheebs. That's very sweet. You hear that? She likes me best. And apparently, there have been a lot.
Monica: Not a lot. Phoebe's kidding. Phoebe's crazy.
Rachel: Phoebe's dead.

Chandler: Hey, can I ask you, is Eddie a little-
Eddie: A little what?
Chandler: -bit country?

Phoebe: Is this true? That you write a lot of your own lines?
Joey: Well, kind of, yeah. Like, remember last week when Alex was in the accident? Well, the line in the script was "If we don't get this woman to a hospital, she's going to die." But I made it, "If this woman doesn't get to a hospital she's not gonna live."
Phoebe: Oh, okay. I see what you did there. Aren't you afraid the writers will be kind of mad when they read this?
Joey: Huh. I never really thought about the writers. The scripts just kind of come to my house.
But you know what? This makes me look good, which makes the show look good which makes the writers look good. So how could they be mad about that?

Monica: Well, it wasn't that many guys. If you consider how many guys there actually are it's a very small percentage.

Monica: Before I tell you, you tell me how many women you've been with.
Richard: Two.
Monica: Two? Two? How is that possible? I mean have you seen you?

Ross: So what's your magic number?
Rachel: Oh.
Ross: Come on, you know everyone I've been with. All both of them.

Rachel: Honey, are you jealous of Paolo? I'm so much happier with you than I ever was with him.
Ross: Really?
Rachel: Oh, please. That Paolo thing was barely a relationship. All it really was was just meaningless, animal sex. Okay, you know, that sounded so much better in my head.

Rachel: Ross, please listen to me. You are so much better for me than Paolo ever was. You care about me, you're loving, you make me laugh.
Ross: If I make you laugh, here's an idea. Invite Paolo to have a romp in the sack and I'll stand in the corner and tell knock-knock jokes.

Ross: So what are you saying? There's nothing between us "animal" at all? There's not even, like, a little animal? Not even, like chipmunk sex?

Rachel: Okay, I will do your laundry for one month.
Monica: No.
Rachel: Okay. I will, I will, I will- I will clean the apartment for two months.
Monica: All right, I'll tell you what. I will give this to you now, if you can tell me where we keep the dustpan.

Ross: So were you in 'Nam?

Rachel: Come on, Joey, we care about you.
Chandler: We're worried about you.
Monica: And some of us really have to pee.

Phoebe: But Joey, you're gonna be fine. You don't need that show. It was just a dumb soap opera.
Joey: Phoebe, this was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
Phoebe: Yes. I was going to incorporate that.

Joey: It's like you work your whole life for something and you think that when you get it it'll never be as good as you thought. But this so was. It changed everything. Like, the other day, I got this credit card application and I was pre-approved. I've never been pre-approved for anything in my life.
Chandler: I'm sorry, man.
Rachel: Joey, I don't know if this'll mean anything to you but you'll always be pre-approved with us.
Joey: No, that means nothing to me.

Rachel: Oh, and Paolo.
Ross: Oh, yes, the weenie from Turinie.

Chandler: So when I woke up this morning he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes.
Monica: Why?
Chandler: Because he thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish.
Phoebe: Why would you kill his fish?
Chandler: Because sometimes, Phoebe, after you sleep with someone you have to kill a fish.