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‘The One Where Chandler Can't Cry’ Quotes

Friends: The One Where Chandler Can't Cry

614. The One Where Chandler Can't Cry

Aired February 10, 2000

When Chandler admits he doesn't cry, his friends try to find something that will make him shed a tear. Meanwhile, Rachel is uncomfortable with Ross dating her sister, and Phoebe discovers Ursula's latest career.

Quote from Chandler

Chandler: Well, that I can see crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon.
Joey: You didn't cry when Bambi's mother died?
Chandler: Yes, it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer.

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Quote from Monica

Chandler: Come on, I mean, we get married, I'm up at the altar and I'm like this [blank stare].
Monica: I won't care. Because I know that you'll be feeling it all in here.
Chandler: Yeah?
Monica: Yeah. And if we have a baby one day, and the doctor hands it to you in the delivery room, and you don't cry, so what? And If we take him to college and we come home, and we see his empty room for the first time, and you got nothing? It won't matter to me.
Chandler: Okay. Well, I won't worry about this anymore then.
Monica: And then, you know, if I die, from a long illness, and you're writing out my eulogy. And you open the desk drawer and you find a note from me that says: "I will always be with you", and you still can't shed one tiny tear? I know you'll be crying a river inside.
Chandler: I love you.
Monica: What is wrong with you?!
Chandler: What?
Monica: What? You can't shed a tear for your dead wife? I left you a note from the beyond!
Chandler: So you didn't mean any of that?
Monica: No, you robot!

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: So I just came from the company Ursula works for.
Joey: Oh, no, not you too?
Phoebe: No, no. I just went to get Phoebe Buffay's checks. There were a lot of them.
Joey: Nice.
Phoebe: And I won't have to go back there anymore, because I gave them my "correct address."
Joey: That's great, but isn't it going to bother you that people still think you're a porn star?
Phoebe: Oh, no, I know how to handle it.
Joey: Good.
Phoebe: Yeah. [to a random guy] You trying to figure out where you know me from? All right, I'll give you a hint. From porn! Yeah, your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie! [to Joey] See?
Joey: Yeah.

Quote from Joey

Joey: I can't believe Ross is going out with Rachel's sister. When Chandler made out with my sister, I was mad at him for 10 years.
Chandler: That was, like, five years ago.
Joey: Yeah, you got five years left.
Chandler: Joey-
Joey: You want to make it six?

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: So did you guys hit it off?
Ross: I guess so.
Rachel: So did anything happen? Because rumor has it you guys shut the drapes.
Ross: No. No. Nothing happened. I shut the drapes to show her slides of my favorite fossils.
Rachel: Oh, slides. So really nothing happened.
Ross: Something could've happened. All right, she really dug my slides. And she was definitely giving me the vibe.
Rachel: Was it the "Please don't show me another picture of a trilobite" vibe?

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: You know what's sadder than this? Bambi. I cried for three days with that movie. No, two. Because on the third day my mom killed herself, so I was partly crying for that.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: I'm jealous of her? Who does she think she is, Princess Caroline?
Monica: You're jealous of Princess Caroline?
Rachel: Do I have my own castle?

Quote from Joey

Ross: Phoebe's not here, is she?
Rachel: No.
Monica: Oh, great. Did you get a movie?
Joey: Yeah. Yeah. But I don't think it's the kind you're gonna like.
Chandler: You didn't get more movies that'll have us reaching for the tissues all night, did you?
Joey: Sort of.

Quote from Ross

Monica: What's going on?
Joey: Phoebe's a porn star!
Chandler: What?
Joey: Yeah.
Rachel: What are you talking about?
Chandler: "Phoebe Buffay in Buffay The Vampire Layer."
Rachel: Oh, my God.
Monica: That's Phoebe. Where did you get that?
Joey: Down at the adult video place on Bleecker.
Ross: And I saw Joey was about to go in, so I ran in ahead of him to surprise him. And then I pretended that I didn't know he was in there.

Quote from Rachel

Rachel: Wow. I mean, I just can't believe this. I mean, you think you know someone. Even Phoebe, who's always been somewhat of a question mark.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: Hey. What's up? Oh, my God! What am I doing?!

Quote from Chandler

Monica: Why are you reading this? You hate this kind of stuff.
Chandler: Yeah, I know, but I figured I'd give it a shot. I mean, maybe one of those stories may will me cry, then you won't think I'm all dead inside.
Monica: Oh, that's so sweet. Chandler, I don't care if you can't cry. I love you.
Chandler: Oh, that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest.

Quote from Phoebe

Phoebe: It's Phoebe, "Phoebe!"
Ursula: Hey.
Phoebe: Oh, God. So you're making porn movies.
Ursula: No, I'm not.
Director: We're still rolling.
Phoebe: You're making one right now.
Director: Let's go, Phoebe.
Phoebe: And you're using my name.
Ursula: Yeah, can I help you with something?
Director: Phoebe, come on.
Phoebe: Look, I'm talking right now. Oh, you mean her.
Ursula: You know, twin stuff is always a real big seller.
Phoebe: What?
Ursula: Yeah, I could talk them into giving you, like, thirty dollars.
Phoebe: No! No way. No. And stop using my name. And shame on you. And shame on all of you. You're disgusting. Especially you, with that.

Quote from Ross

Rachel: What is my sister doing there, and why are the drapes shut?
Ross: Okay. Rach, calm down, okay? She's really upset. We're just talking.
Rachel: Ross, I think she's trying to make something happen with you to get back at me.
Ross: Oh, so that's the only reason she could be here, huh? It couldn't have anything to do with the fact that maybe I'm a good listener and I put on a great slide show?

Quote from Joey

Monica: I've got it. I have got it. Pictures from your childhood. This'll get you going good.
Phoebe: All right, what's going on there?
Chandler: That's parents' Day. First grade. That's me with the janitor, Martin.
Monica: Where are your parents?
Chandler: Oh, they didn't want to come.
Phoebe: Oh, Chandler!
Monica: Poor thing.
Phoebe: That story doesn't make you cry?
Chandler: No. Look, I don't cry. It's not a big deal, okay?
Joey: No. It's not okay. It's not okay at all. You're dead inside.

Quote from Joey

Phoebe: Joey, listen. Take good care of that guy. He's a fan. Bye.
Joey: So you saw me on Days of Our Lives, huh? You want me to do a little Doctor Drake Ramoray for you?
Guy: I have no idea what you're talking about. But I just got Phoebe Buffay's autograph.
Joey: Oh. You're Phoebe's fan.
Guy: Oh, yeah. I've seen all her movies.
Joey: Movies?
Guy: That was Phoebe Buffay, the porn star.
Joey: I don't think so.
Guy: No, no. It was. She was in Sex Toy Story Two, Lawrence of a Labia. And I got her autograph. The guys at the comic book store aren't going to believe this.

Quote from Gunther

Joey: Gunther? Hey, don't let that guy in here anymore. He just said Phoebe's a porn star.
Gunther: Well, I wouldn't call her a star, but she's really good. You should check out lnspect Her Gadget.


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