The Songs of Phoebe Buffay
The unique musical talents of Phoebe Buffay, who often performed her songs at Central Perk.
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] I found you in my bed, How'd you wind up there? You are a mystery, Little black curly hair, Little black curly hair, Little black, little black, little black, Little black curly hair.
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Went to the store, Sat on Santa's lap, Asked him to bring my friends, All kinds of crap, Said all you need is, To write them a song, Now you haven't heard it yet, So don't try to sing along, No, don't sing along, Monica, Monica Have a happy Hannukah, Saw Santa Claus, He said hello to Ross, And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy, And Rachel and Chandler, [indistinct]
Happy holidays, everybody!
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] It only takes two heart attacks, To finally make you see, One of them won't do it, But the second will set you free, Tell all your hate and anger, It's time to say goodbye, And that is just what I will do, Soon as those bastards I worked for die!
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] "Smelly cat, smelly cat, What are they feeding you?" This chick sounds good. "Smelly cat"- Gunther, be a good little boy and bring me a whiskey.
Phoebe: I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year. [singing] I made a man with eyes of coal, And a smile so bewitching, How was I supposed to know, That my mom was dead in the kitchen?
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Are you in there, little fetus? In nine months will you come greet us? I will buy you some Adidas.
Record Producer: From the top.
Phoebe: playing guitar and singing] Smelly cat, smelly cat What are they feeding you? - Okay, sorry. I'm just not getting that everyone gets how smelly this cat actually is. Maybe if we could talk about this because I need to feel that you really care about the cat.
Record Producer: Honey, we can talk about this. It's just that this is costing like $100 a minute to be in here.
Phoebe: So the cat stinks, but you love it. Let's go.
Phoebe: I'm gonna play some songs about grandparents, okay?
[playing guitar and singing] Now Grandma's a person, Who everyone likes, She bought you a train, And a bright shiny bike, But lately she hasn't, Been coming to dinner, And last time you saw her, She looked so much thinner, Now your mom and your dad said, She moved to Peru, But the truth is she died, And someday you will too.
Phoebe: Okay. This is a song about a love triangle between three people I made up. It's called "Two of Them Kissed Last Night."
[playing her guitar and singing] There was a girl, We'll call her Betty, And a guy, Let's call him Neil, Now I can't stress, This point too strongly, This story isn't real.
Now our Neil must decide, Who will be the girl that he casts aside, Will Betty be the one who he loves truly, Or will it be the one who we'll call Loolie.
He must decide, He must decide, Even though I made him up, He must decide.
Stephanie: [playing guitar and singing] Smelly cat, smelly cat, What are they feeding you?
Phoebe: No, no. I'm sorry, it's: [singing] Smelly cat, smelly cat-
Stephanie: Smelly cat, smelly cat-
Phoebe: Better! Much better. Good. And you know, don't feel bad, because it's a hard song.
Phoebe: You want to try it again?
Stephanie: Yeah. From the top?
Phoebe: Okay, there is no "top," all right? That's the beauty of "Smelly Cat." Why don't you just follow me?
Phoebe and Stephanie: [playing guitar and singing together] Smelly cat, smelly cat, What are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, It's not your fault-
Phoebe: Okay, that's too much. Sorry.
Rachel: But, I mean, come on. You cannot do this to her. I have to do this to her?
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Lather, rinse, repeat, And lather, rinse, repeat, And lather, rinse, repeat, As needed.
Phoebe: Hey, Rach, you want to hear the song I'm singing this afternoon? I wrote it this morning in the shower.
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] I'm in the shower, And I'm writing a song, Stop me if you've heard it, My skin is soapy and my hair is wet, And Tegrin spelled backward is nirget.
Phoebe: [playing her guitar, singing] New York City has no power, And the milk is getting sour, But to me it is not scary, 'cause I stay away from dairy. [writes the song down]
Phoebe: [singing] My mother's ashes, Even her eyelashes, Are resting in a little yellow jar, And sometimes when it's freezing, I feel a little sneezy, And now I-
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Happy Hannukah, Chandler and Monica, Merry, merry-
Chandler: You know what, Pheebs? I'm not Jewish.
Phoebe: So, Ross doesn't decorate his tree with floss but you don't hear him complaining, do you?
Phoebe: Ross, Rachel doesn't know that you wanna get back together. If she did, she might feel differently. She might not even go.
Ross: You really think so?
Phoebe: I'm telling you. Oh, okay, this is the part of the musical where there'd be a really good convincing song. [singing] "Don't take no for an answer. Don't let love fly away."
Phoebe: Can't a girl finish a song around here?
Phoebe: Oh, this is like the best day ever. Ever! You guys might get back together, Monica and Chandler are getting their baby, there are chicks and ducks in the world again. Oh, I feel like I'm in a musical. [singing] "When the sun comes up, bright and beaming, And the moon comes"-
Phoebe: Guess we'll never know how it ends.
Rachel: Phoebe has prepared something as well.
Phoebe: That's right. I prepared a song for Emma, from my heart to hers. For there's no greater gift than the gift of music.
[playing guitar and singing] Emma, Your name poses a dilemma, 'Cause not much else rhymes with Emma, Maybe the actor Richard Crenna - He played the commanding officer in Rambo, Happy birthday Emma.
Rachel: Is that it?
Phoebe: No, of course not. No, I've also, you know, prepared a reading. "Sex and the Single Mother." "Finding your G-spot."
Ross: Oh, no, no, no!
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] It wasn't just that she was fat, The woman smelled like garbage- Everyone! [playing guitar and singing] It wasn't just that she was fat, The woman smelled like garbage.
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] And there's a country called Argentina, It's a place I've never seen, But I'm told for fifty pesos, You can buy a human spleen, Human spleen. Olé!
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] We thought Phoebe would leave, But she just stayed and stayed, That's right, I'm here all night, And Chandler will never get-
Chandler: Hey. Here's a dollar. Consider it a deposit. Please sing at our wedding. Thank you. Okay.
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Now who will perform the ceremony, Who will perform the cer- Oh, oh. I'll pound on him in the morning.
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Whenever I get married, Guess who won't be asked to sing, Somebody named Geller, And somebody else named Bing.
Phoebe: Check it out. I could play this while the guests are coming in, okay.
[singing and playing guitar] First time I met Chandler I thought he was gay, But here I am singing, On his wedding day-
Monica: Phoebe, no.
Phoebe: If you would have let me finish, it goes on to say that he's probably not gay.
Phoebe: [playing her guitar and singing] They're tiny and chubby, And so sweet to touch, But soon they'll grow up, And resent you so much, Now they're yelling at you, And you don 't know why, And you cry and you cry and you cry, And you cry and you cry, And you cry- Thanks, Ross.
Ross: Yeah, I'm paying you to stop, okay?
Phoebe: [playing her guitar and singing] And they found their bodies, The very next day, And they found their bodies, The very next-
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Happy Hanukkah, Monica, May your Christmas be snowy, Joey, Happy New Year, Chandler and Ross, Spin the dreidel, Rachel.
Rachel: Pheebs, that's great.
Phoebe: Oh, yay.
Rachel: But you know, Rachel doesn't rhyme with dreidel.
Phoebe: I know, but it's so hard. Nothing rhymes with your stupid name.
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] There'll be times when you get older, When you'll want to sleep with people, Just to make them like you, But don't! 'Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do, Everybody! That's another thing, That you don't wanna do.
Chandler: Very informative.
Rachel: Not at all inappropriate.
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] And fuchsia and mauve, Those are the 66 colors of my bedroom.
Thank you. Thank you. Oh, and I invite all of you to count the colors in your bedroom. Except for you. You go away.
Phoebe: Today, we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals.
[playing guitar and singing] Oh, the cow in the meadow goes "moo", Oh, the cow in the meadow goes "moo", Then the farmer hits him on the head, And grinds him up And that's how we get hamburgers. Now chickens.
Joey: You okay?
Phoebe: I actually am. Because, you know, life's gonna hand you all kinds of stuff. You learn your little lessons and hopefully you grow. You wanna hear a new song?
Monica: We'd love to.
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Jingle bitch screwed me over. Go to hell, jingle whore. Go to hell, go to hell, go to he-he-hell. That's all I have so far.
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] And a crusty old man, Said I'll do what I can, And the rest of the rats, Played maracas.
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] He was a double, double, Double-jointed boy.
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] When I play, I play for me, I don't need your charity- Thank you!
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] The food here at Javu, Will kill you, The food here at Javu, Will kill you.
Phoebe: It really has been great, too. You know, some of these people must have seen me play before because they were requesting a bunch of my songs. Yeah, "You Suck" and "Shut Up and Go Home."
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Sometimes men love women, Sometimes men love men, Then there are bisexuals, Though some just say, They're kidding themselves.
Mike: Phoebe writes lots of songs. What was that one you sang the other night that everybody just loved?
Phoebe: Oh, "Pervert Parade"?
Phoebe: Oh. "Ode to a Pubic Hair"?
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Little Tony Tarzan Swinging on a nose hair, Swinging with the greatest of ease.
Rachel: You went out with a guy in the Navy?
Phoebe: I met him while playing guitar in the park. Ryan threw in saltwater taffy because he didn't have change.
Joey: Is that when you wrote "Saltwater Taffy Man"?
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Crazy underwear, Creeping up my butt, Crazy underwear, Always in a rut, Crazy underwear.
Chandler: Wow, it is true what they say: Pregnant bellies look like a drum.
Phoebe: Ha ha. No, it's that- I'm so pregnant that my guitar doesn't fit anymore. So I thought until I'm not, I'm going to play all my songs on this drum. It sounds really cool. Listen, listen.
[playing the drum] Smelly cat, smelly cat, What are they feeding you?
That sounds great. I know. And I've only been playing for, like, an hour.
Phoebe: [singing] My sticky shoes, My sticky, sticky shoes, Why you stick on me? Baby.
Thanks for the lights, honey.
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Parading goats are parading, Parading down the street, Parading goats are parading, Leaving little treats.
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Terry's a jerk, And he won't let me work, And I hate Central Perk.