The Songs of Phoebe Buffay Page 1 of 3
The unique musical talents of Phoebe Buffay, who often performed her songs at Central Perk.
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] I found you in my bed, How'd you wind up there? You are a mystery, Little black curly hair, Little black curly hair, Little black, little black, little black, Little black curly hair.
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Went to the store, Sat on Santa's lap, Asked him to bring my friends, All kinds of crap, Said all you need is, To write them a song, Now you haven't heard it yet, So don't try to sing along, No, don't sing along, Monica, Monica Have a happy Hannukah, Saw Santa Claus, He said hello to Ross, And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy, And Rachel and Chandler, [indistinct]
Happy holidays, everybody!
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] It only takes two heart attacks, To finally make you see, One of them won't do it, But the second will set you free, Tell all your hate and anger, It's time to say goodbye, And that is just what I will do, Soon as those bastards I worked for die!
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] "Smelly cat, smelly cat, What are they feeding you?" This chick sounds good. "Smelly cat"- Gunther, be a good little boy and bring me a whiskey.
Phoebe: I'm gonna play some songs about grandparents, okay?
[playing guitar and singing] Now Grandma's a person, Who everyone likes, She bought you a train, And a bright shiny bike, But lately she hasn't, Been coming to dinner, And last time you saw her, She looked so much thinner, Now your mom and your dad said, She moved to Peru, But the truth is she died, And someday you will too.
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Are you in there, little fetus? In nine months will you come greet us? I will buy you some Adidas.
Phoebe: Hey, Rach, you want to hear the song I'm singing this afternoon? I wrote it this morning in the shower.
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] I'm in the shower, And I'm writing a song, Stop me if you've heard it, My skin is soapy and my hair is wet, And Tegrin spelled backward is nirget.
Rachel: But, I mean, come on. You cannot do this to her. I have to do this to her?
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Lather, rinse, repeat, And lather, rinse, repeat, And lather, rinse, repeat, As needed.
Record Producer: From the top.
Phoebe: playing guitar and singing] Smelly cat, smelly cat What are they feeding you? - Okay, sorry. I'm just not getting that everyone gets how smelly this cat actually is. Maybe if we could talk about this because I need to feel that you really care about the cat.
Record Producer: Honey, we can talk about this. It's just that this is costing like $100 a minute to be in here.
Phoebe: So the cat stinks, but you love it. Let's go.
Stephanie: [playing guitar and singing] Smelly cat, smelly cat, What are they feeding you?
Phoebe: No, no. I'm sorry, it's: [singing] Smelly cat, smelly cat-
Stephanie: Smelly cat, smelly cat-
Phoebe: Better! Much better. Good. And you know, don't feel bad, because it's a hard song.
Phoebe: You want to try it again?
Stephanie: Yeah. From the top?
Phoebe: Okay, there is no "top," all right? That's the beauty of "Smelly Cat." Why don't you just follow me?
Phoebe and Stephanie: [playing guitar and singing together] Smelly cat, smelly cat, What are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, It's not your fault-
Phoebe: Okay, that's too much. Sorry.
Phoebe: Okay. This is a song about a love triangle between three people I made up. It's called "Two of Them Kissed Last Night."
[playing her guitar and singing] There was a girl, We'll call her Betty, And a guy, Let's call him Neil, Now I can't stress, This point too strongly, This story isn't real.
Now our Neil must decide, Who will be the girl that he casts aside, Will Betty be the one who he loves truly, Or will it be the one who we'll call Loolie.
He must decide, He must decide, Even though I made him up, He must decide.
Phoebe: [playing her guitar, singing] New York City has no power, And the milk is getting sour, But to me it is not scary, 'cause I stay away from dairy. [writes the song down]
Phoebe: I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year. [singing] I made a man with eyes of coal, And a smile so bewitching, How was I supposed to know, That my mom was dead in the kitchen?
Phoebe: [singing] My mother's ashes, Even her eyelashes, Are resting in a little yellow jar, And sometimes when it's freezing, I feel a little sneezy, And now I-
Phoebe: [playing her guitar and singing] They're tiny and chubby, And so sweet to touch, But soon they'll grow up, And resent you so much, Now they're yelling at you, And you don 't know why, And you cry and you cry and you cry, And you cry and you cry, And you cry- Thanks, Ross.
Ross: Yeah, I'm paying you to stop, okay?
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Whenever I get married, Guess who won't be asked to sing, Somebody named Geller, And somebody else named Bing.
Phoebe: Check it out. I could play this while the guests are coming in, okay.
[singing and playing guitar] First time I met Chandler I thought he was gay, But here I am singing, On his wedding day-
Monica: Phoebe, no.
Phoebe: If you would have let me finish, it goes on to say that he's probably not gay.
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] We thought Phoebe would leave, But she just stayed and stayed, That's right, I'm here all night, And Chandler will never get-
Chandler: Hey. Here's a dollar. Consider it a deposit. Please sing at our wedding. Thank you. Okay.
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Now who will perform the ceremony, Who will perform the cer- Oh, oh. I'll pound on him in the morning.
Phoebe: [playing her guitar and singing] And they found their bodies, The very next day, And they found their bodies, The very next-
Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] Happy Hannukah, Chandler and Monica, Merry, merry-
Chandler: You know what, Pheebs? I'm not Jewish.
Phoebe: So, Ross doesn't decorate his tree with floss but you don't hear him complaining, do you?