Frank Buffay: Well, you know, in my defense, I was a lousy father.
Phoebe: That's your defense?
Frank Buffay: Yes, it is. I burned the formula, and I put your diapers on backwards. I made up a song to sing to you, but that made you cry even more.
Phoebe: You make up songs?
Frank Buffay: Well, no, just that one. But it was stupid. Let's see, how did it go?
[singing to the tune of "Smelly Cat"] Sleepy girl, sleepy girl, Why won't you go to sleep? Sleepy girl, sleepy girl, You're keeping me up-

Monica: I mean, what about friends of your grandma? Wouldn't they have the recipe?
Phoebe: Well, you know, I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, "Nestley Toulouse."
Monica: What was her name?
Phoebe: Nestley Toulouse.
Monica: Nestlé Toll House?
Phoebe: Ugh. You Americans always butcher the French language.
Monica: Phoebe, is this the recipe?
Phoebe: Yes! Oh.
Monica: I cannot believe that I just spent the last two days trying to figure out that recipe and it was in my cupboard the whole time.
Phoebe: I know! You see, it is stuff like this which is why you're burning in hell!

Melissa: Phoebe, were you ever in a sorority?
Phoebe: Of course. Yes, I was a, um... Thigh Mega Tampon.
Melissa: What one?
Phoebe: Yeah. You know, we were really huge, but then they had to shut us down when Regina Phalange died of alcohol poisoning.

Ross: You guys know that Rachel and I slept together, but there's something else. Rachel's pregnant.
Phoebe: Holy mother of God!
Joey: Oh, my God. I can't believe it!
Ross: With my child.
Phoebe: That is brand-new information!
Ross: You already know, don't you?
Phoebe: A little bit.

Monica: I still don't get why Greg and Jennie would give us a fake number.
Joey: You know, if they knew what they were doing, they didn't give you real names either.
Monica: Okay. Maybe people give out fake numbers, but they don't give out fake names.
Joey: Oh, yeah? Hi. Ken Adams. Nice to meet you.
Phoebe: Regina Phalange.

Rachel: Maybe Joey's right and all good deeds are selfish.
Phoebe: I will find a selfless good deed. Because I just gave birth to three children and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right!

Monica: Sweetie, we heard you crying. Please don't cry.
Rachel: It's LaPooh!
Phoebe: I know, it's LaPooh right now but it'll get better.

Phoebe: [answers phone] Hi, Geller-Bing residence. How can I help?
Monica: Phoebe, why is there a dog in our apartment?
Phoebe: I'm sorry, who's this?
Monica: Phoebe, there's a dog sitting on my couch.
Chandler: Tell her I'm allergic, and I will sue!
Phoebe: No, there's no dog here.
Monica: Yes, there is! He's black and white and shaggy, and he's sitting next to Rachel and licking Rachel's hand.
Phoebe: Oh, my God! Where are you?
Monica: I'll be right there. [knock at the door]
Phoebe: They're here already? How are they doing this?!

The Housekeeper: The Waltham residence.
Phoebe: Hi. Is this Emily's parents' house?
The Housekeeper: This is the housekeeper speaking. And, by the way, young lady, that is not how one addresses a person on the telephone. First one identifies oneself and then asks for the person with whom one wishes to speak.
Phoebe: [in a British accent] This is Phoebe Buffay. I was wondering, please, if it's not too much trouble, please, might I speak with Miss Emily Waltham, please?
The Housekeeper: Miss Waltham is at the rehearsal dinner. And it is not polite to make fun of people. Goodbye.

Mike: Mom, Dad. Thanks for dinner.
Phoebe: I had a great time. [as Katharine Hepburn] It was really top-drawer. And here's something rich. Thirteen bathrooms in this place, I threw up in the coat closet. Ta-ta!