Joey: Yeah, I'm an actor.
Rachel: Wow, would I have seen you in anything?
Joey: I doubt it. Mostly regional work.
Monica: Wait, unless you happened to catch the Wee One's production of Pinocchio?
Chandler: Look, Geppetto. I'm a real live boy.
Joey: I will not take this abuse.
Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. [singing] Once I was a wooden boy, A little wooden boy-

Monica: Chandler, what are you doing? What are you doing?
Phoebe: Oh, gross!
Ross: What is this?
Chandler: I'm smoking!
Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you. You've been so good for three years!
Chandler: And this is my reward.

Ross: So I think Alan is the yardstick by which future boyfriends will be measured.
Rachel: Future boyfriends? I think this could be "it."
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him for his David Hasselhoff impression alone.

Chandler: This is so unfair.
Ross: Why is it unfair?
Chandler: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? Ross, with his over-pronouncing every word. And Monica, with that snort when she laughs.
I mean, what the hell is that thing? I accept all those flaws. Why can't you accept me for this?

Phoebe: Oh, I believe it. I think the baby can hear everything.
Ross: Really?
Phoebe: I can show you. Okay, this'll seem a little weird. But you put your head inside this turkey and then we'll all talk and you'll hear everything we say.
Chandler: I'd just like to say I'm totally behind this experiment. In fact, I'd very much like to butter your head.

Chandler: I'm sorry!
Rachel: Oh my God. That is it! You just barge in here, you don't knock, you have no respect for anybody's privacy.
Chandler: Rachel, wait. Wait.
Rachel: No, you wait! This is ridiculous.
Chandler: Can I just say one thing?
Rachel: What?! What?
Chandler: That's a relatively open weave and I can still see your nippular areas.

Ross: [entering the coffee shop] Hi, honey.
Chandler: Hey, sweetums.
Ross: And hello to the rest.

Chandler: I have to confess something.
Jade: Yes?
Chandler: Whoever stood you up is a jerk.
Jade: How did you-
Chandler: I don't know. I just had this weird sense. But that's me, I'm weird and sensitive. Tissue?
Jade: Thanks.
Chandler: No, you keep the pack. I'm all cried out today.

Chandler: Hey, Joe, when'd you start using Moose in your hair?

Chandler: See, Joe, that's why your parents told you not to jump on the bed.