Niles: It seems so unhealthy. Isn't she going to serve anything at Dad's party but meat?
Daphne: Sherry says that's what he and his old cronies like best. With drinks, she's serving cocktail franks. For appetizers, we're having a sausage medley. And for the main course, there's a choice of meat loaf or meat balls.
Niles: I assume these colorful balloons are for the between-course angioplasty.

Martin: So, you've been out on a double date, huh?
Beth: Well, sort of. We met this afternoon and the next thing we knew, your sons were taking us out to dinner and then to the Seattle Rep.
Martin: Oh, what did you see?
Laura: "The Man Who Came To Dinner." It's about a bad-tempered invalid that moves into these people's house and just drives them crazy.
Martin: Comedy?
Frasier: I used to think so.

Diane: So, there I was, on the balcony of my Malibu beachhouse, when a pod of whales passed by. I knew I had to commune with these gentle giants, so like a flash, I was on the beach, scrambling to my kayak. But cruel fortune interceded, when, not twenty yards offshore, I suddenly discovered myself entangled in an enormous bed of-of, um—
Niles: Sea kelp?
Diane: Exactly right, sea kelp!
Martin: Oh, that's funny. I thought he said "seek help."

Frasier: She's staying. Turns out they're sleeping together but not having sex. See, they can't have sex because of an injury Joe suffered when kicked by a spooked sheep during an air raid while his family was vacationing in the Falkland Islands during the war.

Kate: Oh, all right. We can do something that you like. What do you like? What do you like?
Frasier: We could go antiquing.
Kate: You know what? I'm not one of those people for whom "antique" is a verb.

Frasier: Well, that's one on me, or rather one on me and my call screener, Roz, whose ancestors were once heard remarking, "Oh, what a nice wooden horse, of course I'll sign for it."

Frasier: Dad! Dad! I have to talk to you about Niles. I got a call on the show today from a German woman whose husband is a fencing instructor that she suspects is having an affair with his wealthy new client.
Martin: And?
Frasier: Don't you find that the least bit incriminating?
Martin: No, I find it a coincidence. Seattle's a big city, I'm sure there's a bunch of German fencing instructors, each one with dozens of students.
Frasier: Yes, but are they wealthy students?
Martin: No. They're inner-city kids trying to work their way out of the ghetto with nothing but a foil and a dream.

Daphne: Oh, how sweet. Your fan knitted you a scarf.
Frasier: Yes, but when did she find the time to put it in my briefcase. I haven't had it out of my hand all day, except for when I was in the barber's chair.
Martin: Hell, that didn't give her more than thirty seconds.

Martin: Oh, why don't you just get her a nice bottle of perfume?
Niles: She gets hives.
Martin: How about candy?
Niles: Hypoglycemic.
Martin: Just get her a dozen roses.
Niles: Allergic.

Niles: When you think about it, our only mistake today was trying to fix that toilet ourselves.
Frasier: Yes, we tampered with the natural order of things.
Niles: But now, order has been restored. By hiring a plumber, that plumber can now afford, say, a Dolly Parton album. Miss Parton can then finance a national tour which will, of course, come to Seattle, allowing some local promoter to make enough money to send his cross-dressing teenage son to us for $150-an-hour therapy.
Frasier: To the circle of life.