Frasier: I've been traipsing up and down the hallway for an hour, trying to unload them. I haven't had the slightest bit of luck.
Roz: Well, you see Frasier, not everybody likes dogs. Take me, I'm a cat person. I mean it's not like I'd ever buy a cat mug or a cat calendar, or anything, but I had a cat when I was growing up. We were almost inseparable. Muffles or Scruffles, something like that.

Roz: We have Rita on line four. She's feeling a little overwhelmed at home.
Frasier: Hello, Rita, I'm listening.
Rita: "Yeah, Dr. Crane? Oh, Dr. Crane, I'm, I'm- uh, thank you for taking my call. I, I, I tell you, I am about to lose my mind. I am raising four kids by myself, the oldest one is not even seven and the other three are all under five. Between cooking and cleaning and changing diapers and tripping over toys I... I feel sometimes like I'm about to snap. What should I do?"
Frasier: Have you considered getting a puppy?

Martin: I was on a stakeout once for fifteen hours without ever gettin' out of the car. We had a contest to see who could last the longest. The winner was "Canteen"McHugh. Know why we called him that?
Frasier: I think I can guess.
Martin: Because his bladder was the size of a canteen.
Frasier: Thank you for clearing that up.
Martin: You could've slung his bladder over your shoulder and gone on a twenty mile forced march through the desert.
Frasier: Big, huh?
Martin: Isn't that what I've been saying?

Martin: Look, I'm sorry I cut you off like that before, I've just never gone in for that psychological mumbo-jumbo. Probably started back on the force when they'd make us go see The Squirrel.
Frasier: Who?
Martin: Dr. Bergman, the department shrink. We called him "The Squirrel" 'cause guys got sent to him when they got squirrelly. He'd show you a bunch of ink-blots and ask about your toilet habits. If I wanted to talk about
toilet habits, I woulda stayed partners with Nate Dombrowski. We nicknamed him "The Big..."
Frasier: Thank you!

Frasier: All right, all right. Well, maybe my rules are too rigid. Maybe I should try to relax a little.
Martin: No, no. Hey, it's your house, you do what you want. I don't know what's buggin' me. I guess it's not easy for a guy like me to not be in charge.
Frasier: You know, Dad, a lot of people confuse not being in charge with not being respected. I hope you're not making that mistake, because you command a great deal of respect. There's not a day in my life when I don't hold myself up to the Martin Crane yardstick. I guess a son always wants to make his father proud.

Frasier: You know, I'm not sure I could have made Eddie go through with that operation, anyway. That's a tough thing for a guy to do to another guy.
Martin: Amen to that.

Frasier: Oh, Dad, Dad, please. Coaster. Your beer is sweating.
Martin: So am I. You wanna shove one of those under my can?
Daphne: If he could, he would.

Frasier: Oh, Mrs. Greenway. What a pleasant surprise.
Mrs. Greenway: I knew it. That's him.
Frasier: Won't you come in?
Mrs. Greenway: I had to see him again before I was sure, but now I'm positive. That is the horny little mixed-breed who got my Phoebe pregnant.
Martin: Hey, you can't just bust in here accusing my dog.
Mrs. Greenway: Oh, it's him all right! I had to keep shooing him away from Phoebe down at the park. Look at him, he doesn't care who's life he's ruined. All he cares about is his own selfish pleasure.
Martin: You know what your problem is, Dorthea? You got a bad attitude.
Mrs. Greenway: [heading to the door] Oh!
Martin: That's why nobody sits with you in the park.
Frasier: Mrs. Greenway, there's no way Eddie could be the father, he's been neutered.
Mrs. Greenway: Oh, really?! Then how do you explain these?
Frasier: Oh, my God! They're miniature Eddies!
Daphne: Oh, gosh, aren't they adorable? Oh!
Mrs. Greenway: Well, I'm glad you think so, because they're yours!
Frasier: Oh! [to Eddie] Bad dog! Look what you did!