Niles: The place is packed.
Frasier: It's standing room only. ... You know, Niles, I think we may have exceeded maximum occupancy.
Niles: That could be a fire hazard.
Frasier: It would be a shame if someone should call the fire marshal and he should shut us down.
Niles: Yes, it would. A damn shame if the old phone in the marshal's office should start to ching-ching-ching...
Frasier: Just call!

Roz: This is Jackson Hedley's father. I found him wandering around out front looking for Jackson.
Frasier: Lovely to see you.
Cecil: Thank God I'm not late. You know, I'm Jackson's lucky charm. Do you know, he's so superstitious, one day I didn't turn up for opening night, and he refused to go on.
Niles: Is that so?
Frasier: Then we must get you to him immediately. You see, you're at the wrong theater.
Cecil: Oh.
Frasier: Yes, yes, Jackson's performing clear across town!
Cecil: But the sign outside says "An Evening With Jackson Hedley!"
Frasier: Yes. I know, you see, there's been a terrible snafu-
Niles: Snafu.
Frasier: -with the marquee letters. You see, they got ours, we got theirs.
Cecil: Oh, what's playing here?
Niles: "Cats."
Cecil: Ah. I love "Cats."
Frasier: Well, who doesn't, but surely you love your son more. [Cecil doesn't look so sure] Luckily, this young lady knows this town inside and out. Roz, please escort Mr. Hedley to the Portland Playhouse A.S.A.P.!

Fire Marshal: Do you guys have any idea how many people you got out there? You're way over capacity.
Frasier: You're not gonna shut us down, are you?
Niles: Frasier, I knew we shouldn't have added all those dry wooden seats.

Frasier: Dear God, Niles, I feel horrible. It's as if we wished it, and it happened.
Niles: Half of me feels guilty. The other half feels relieved. Actually, it's about 30-70.

Frasier: If I may have your attention, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight, my brother, Niles Crane, and I had hoped to bring a great talent back to the stage. A truly, truly gifted actor, a man we greatly admire...
[As Jackson belly crawls along the stage, the audience starts applauding]
Frasier: Yes, yes, he does deserve your applause, but in a tragedy befitting of the Bard himself, it seems
that... [Frasier notices Jackson has made it to the chair on the stage] It seems he's ready to begin. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you now to a hall... in Elsinore Castle.
Jackson: Ohhhhhhhhh, I die, Horatio! [exaggerated gasp]

Frasier: Look out there. Everybody we know is out there. Look at all those smiling faces, soon to be frozen into a rictus of revenge.

Niles: He's awful.
Frasier: The man has no instincts. Just stinks.
Niles: I guess we were just too young to know it. Frasier, this is going to be humiliating. Not just for us, but for Jackson. What are we gonna do?
Frasier: What all good producers do. We'll shut down and blame the director.

Manager: Ten minutes to curtain.
Frasier: No, I'm- I'm sorry, I-I believe that your watch happens to be a tad fast.
Manager: It's electromagnetically set to Greenwich Mean Time.
Frasier: Get me a Sprite.

Frasier: It just breaks my heart to see that man reduced to this. It's so demeaning.
Roz: Well, so he's not doing Shakespeare. But look, he's got tons of fans that worship him. What's so demeaning about that?
Male Fan: Hey, Tobor, would you do my kid's birthday party?
Jackson: Here's my card. Uh, travel time is extra, and I eat by myself.

Frasier: Welcome home, Dad. So, how was Florida?
Martin: Oh, it was a whirlwind. Duke and I hit the dog track, and then we met the "Michael Jordan of High-Life Players" at the Red Lobster, but the place I went back to most of all was Captain Pete's Gator Farm.
Frasier: Ah. Ah. Did you go see the Hemingway home?
Martin: Well, you know, Fras, you can't squeeze everything in. But I tell you, these gators are amazing. You're out in the Glades in this fanboat, and it's just you and Captain Pete and that cooler full of raw chickens.
Niles: And to think I wasted my last vacation in Vienna.
Martin: And then he dangles a chicken at the end of the stick, and before you know it a fifteen-foot monster comes rushing out of the water, and he's yelling, "Hurry up and take the picture, this son of a bitch is heavy."