Frasier: Well, I think it's time we went to the phones. Roz, whom do we have?
Roz: On line one we have a bed-wetting adulterer, unless you'd rather speak to Roger on line two, who's a transsexual running for Congress.

Martin: She's invited me to her place tomorrow night. I guess my little hard-to-get plan really paid off.
Daphne: Yes, you should really write a book. "How To Get A Date In Two Easy Years."

Frasier: It's ironic, isn't it? Dad's doing better in that department than either of us.
Niles: Not true, not true, that's really what I wanted to tell you. Maris and I are back on the expressway to love. Well, if not the expressway, then at least the on-ramp.

Niles: Dr. Schenkman's helped me enormously too. He immediately pinpointed my primary failing.
Frasier: Which is?
Niles: Well, I'm too predictable.
Frasier: I don't know whether I'd count that as a failing, exactly.
Niles: Well, I do, and more important, so does Maris. But I'm going to do something about it. In half an hour I'm going to show Maris spontaneity beyond her wildest dreams.
Frasier: In half an hour? I thought we were going to prepare for your workshop.
Niles: I'm sorry, Frasier, you'll have to look over the files yourself. You see, every Friday evening Maris spends an hour meditating in her spirituality gardens. Invariably she comes inside randy as a stoat. Well tonight, she's going to find me, waiting in her bed, as randy as a...nother stoat.

Niles: Dr. Schenkman!
Dr. Schenkman: Niles!
Niles: Dr. Schenkman, what the hell's going on?!
Dr. Schenkman:Well, it's not what it looks like. What am I saying?
Niles: For God's sake!
Dr. Schenkman: Bear with me, I'm sorry. I'm- I'm feeling a little stressed.
Niles: You're feeling stressed?
Dr. Schenkman: Put yourself in my place.
Niles: I very nearly did! I'm stunned. How- How long has this been going on?
Dr. Schenkman: Two weeks. Maris and I were waiting to tell you when I felt that you were ready.
Niles: That's despicable! It's unethical, it's... are those my pajamas?

Dr. Schenkman: Thanks to our sessions, Maris has been unafraid to show me the real woman inside.
Niles: Damn you, I trusted you. Because you were supposed to be helping us. And I liked you too, you bastard. You betrayed my confidence and my friendship, and you seduced my wife!
Dr. Schenkman: Wow, there's a lot of new issues here, aren't there? Think maybe we should kick it up to three sessions a week? [Niles lunges at Dr. Schenkman and starts throttling him]

Frasier: You are twenty minutes late.
Niles: Sorry.
Frasier: "Sorry?" This is your group. I've been making small talk with these people for the last twenty minutes. Do you know what small talk is like with people who have a problem communicating? It's tiny talk.

Frasier: Is there some reason why Dan couldn't join you?
Janice: No, he's just stubborn sometimes. He says he doesn't trust psychiatrists.
Niles: [laughs] Yeah, well. Maybe he's got good reason not to.

Frasier: Excuse me?
Janice: Oh, I think I see what your brother's doing here. Sometimes we role play, and I think he's just saying what my husband might say.
Frasier: Sounds promising. Why don't we proceed, Janice? How would you respond to what your husband has just said?
Janice: Well, okay. You know, Dan, I don't think it's psychiatrists that you mistrust, I think that it's me. Why are you so suspicious lately?
Niles: Oh, I think you know very well. [Niles jabs his at his paper]
Janice: What, a couple of harmless flirtations at parties? Everyone does that.
Niles: Did you ever stop to consider how those flirtations might make me feel?
Frasier: He's empathizing with the husband. We call this "empathizing."
Janice: Well, what about you? Are you going to tell me you've never even looked at anyone else?
Niles: Don't you dare bring her into this! She is clean and pure and decent.
Frasier: Sometimes empathizing involves a bit of dramatic license.
Niles: At least I've always been faithful to you.
Janice: I've always been faithful to you.
Niles: I wanted to believe that more than anything in the world, but now, now... [cries] I don't see how I possibly can!
Frasier: Did I mention that my brother's one of the greatest empathizers in the business?
Niles: Now I just want to die!

Frasier: You know, perhaps now would be a good time to take our fifteen minute break, why don't we? We've had quite a catharsis here. Now, traditionally it is the patients that make the breakthroughs, but we mustn't be sticklers.