‘The Love You Fake’
Season 9, Episode 20 - Aired April 9, 2002
When hostilities break out between Frasier and Cam Winston again, Martin and Cam's mother, Cora, pretend to be a couple to get under their children's skin.
Quote from Frasier
Roz: Are you okay?
Frasier: I'm fine.
Roz: You seem like you've been in a lousy mood lately.
Frasier: It's just that they put soy milk in my latte. I don't like soy milk. If it doesn't come from a teat or an udder, it isn't milk.
Quote from Niles
Frasier: You know, I think I've seen just about enough. Free food and drink, just because you showed them something new. I'll tell you what. Let's all paint our bottoms and run to the sandwich shop.
Niles: My, my, feelings of inadequacy. Typical reaction from the unwheeled. I'll make a note of your grumpiness.
Frasier: If I'm grumpy, it's because of Cam Winston. Do you realize that Dad and Cam's mother are dating?
Niles: Yes, I do and I think it's great. Honestly, Frasier, you have to loosen up. Openness to new ideas is the hallmark of our new century.
[The crowd cheer as Niles scoots out of the coffee shop]
Quote from Frasier
Roz: So that's what's bugging you. Your dad has a new girlfriend.
Frasier: No, I'm just afraid he's going to get hurt.
Roz: No, you're not. You're afraid you're going to have to be nice to Cam.
Frasier: I am nice. Cam's insufferable.
Roz: Okay, fine. Whatever. Here's what I'd do. Be the first one to make peace. Then you'll be the bigger man to your dad and to his girlfriend, and it'll drive Cam nuts.
[Frasier's cell phone starts ringing]
Frasier: That's good, Roz. Seize the high ground. You know, I'll offer Cam an apology and he'll be trumped. [chuckles, answering the phone:] Hello? Cam. I was just about to call you. A truce, you say? I'm sorry, I can't hear you. You're break... up! I'm afraid my bat... is low on pow- [disconnects] Son of a bitch is trying to steal my high ground!
Quote from Frasier
Frasier: Now, you see, there you go again. I lower my guard and you slap me in the face.
Cam: All right, I apologize. And as a token of my sincerity, I pledge to pay whatever damage my washer-dryer may have caused.
Frasier: Well done. And in the same spirit of hatchet-burying, I agree to pay for your ruined clothes. Cheers.
Cam: Since things seem to be off on such a good foot, perhaps now is a good time to discuss the mailbox situation.
Frasier: You want to switch, don't you?
Cam: As a tall man, I dislike having to stoop for my mail.
Frasier: Indeed. Well, I would prefer to put aside that explosive issue until we're sure the truce will hold.
Cam: I see. Fair enough.
Frasier: Unless you're willing to agree on some sort of noise abatement framework. You see, you have a unique sliding gait, Cam. When you wear your heeled boots, the resultant shh-clop, shh-clop, shh-clop... Well, it just sounds like a dancing pony in my apartment.
Cam: Perhaps we should get some paper so we can write all this down.
Quote from Martin
Martin: Well, gosh, what did I just find in my pocket? Is that tri-tip with peanut butter? It is. [Eddie does not respond.]
Daphne: Mm. No luck? He's definitely coming down with something.
Martin: Yeah. Well, I guess I'm going to have to eat these myself.
Daphne: Good idea. Reverse psychology.
Martin: [mouth full] What do you mean?
Quote from Frasier
Joe: Yeah, about that. Maybe you could ask Mr. Winston to not use the machine till we get that leak patched.
Frasier: Wrong. We've got to teach Cam a lesson and shut his water off right now.
Joe: That's, uh, not our standard operating procedure.
Frasier: Well, I could compensate you for your pains. [Frasier gets out his wallet]
Joe: I gotta go all the way to the basement.
Frasier: Perhaps this will help persuade you? [Frasier hands Joe some money]
Joe: Might get me as far as six.
[Frasier hands over more money]
Quote from Frasier
Frasier: I'm sorry. I'd love to stay and gawk, but I'm at war! Come, Joe.
Quote from Niles
Niles: What was that about?
Martin: Oh, Cam Winston. Hey, can I get a ride on that thing?
Niles: Nothing would please me more. But, no. One of the conditions of the experiment is that I can't share the Segway with anyone. Not even you, Daphne, I'm sorry.
Daphne: I can't believe you agreed to that.
Niles: Well, it was damn difficult, let me tell you. But I'll make a note of your disappointment in my daily write-up.
Martin: Well, I know we can't ride it, but there's a poor, sick little dog here...
Niles: Dad, again, saying "no" is one of the prices we all pay for science. Now, who wants a Fudgesicle?
Quote from Frasier
Martin: What is it?
Frasier: It's a bill from Cam. Apparently, turning off his water has ruined the clothes that were in his washing machine. Those clothes were already ruined just by being on Cam Winston.
Martin: Well, then don't pay him. Have another fight.
Frasier: The battle is joined. I will not let that- that Mata Hari drag you into this. From this day forward, no more Winstons in this, my house.
Quote from Martin
Cora: I can't believe that's my son. What has gotten into him?
Martin: Oh, why would they want to drag us into their feud?
Cora: I think it's because if we're friends, then they at least have to try to be nice.
Martin: You know what, we should get married. Really make them suffer.
Cora: [laughing] Oh, my! It'd be worth it just to see the looks on their faces.