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The Friend

‘The Friend’

Season 3, Episode 11 -  Aired January 16, 1996

After Frasier realizes his social life is mostly just meeting Niles for coffee, he uses his radio show to try find new acquaintances.

Quote from Frasier

Bob: That's the thing I love about your show. You're not just serious. You can be funny.
Frasier: Well, yes, I believe that humor can be a therapeutic tool.
Bob: "Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand."
Frasier: Mark Twain. "The Mysterious Stranger". I have a first edition.

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Quote from Roz

Roz: Got some messages. Bob. Bob. And, oh look, here's one from Bob.
Frasier: 2 weeks and 45 phone calls. Can't we just get an unlisted number?
Roz: They sort of frown on that with call-in shows.

Quote from Frasier

Bob: Knock knock, Roz. Frasier around?
Roz: You just missed him.
Bob: Too bad. I got great news. I checked out that vacancy in his apartment building and guess who's gonna be neighbors?
[Frasier squeals from the floor of Roz's booth]
Bob: What was that?
Roz: Feedback. This equipment's old and pathetic.

Quote from Niles

Frasier: Oh, Niles. Niles, I need to talk. Bob's meeting me here- Well, this isn't my usual.
Niles: Well, it's not for you. It's for my friend.
Frasier: That man is your friend?
Niles: Yep. We share thoughts, feelings. We talk about the arts, current events. Today we're just ... hangin'!
Niles: There you are.
Ralph: Thanks.
Niles: My pleasure.
Ralph: You know, I can't stay long. I've got 4 more pools to clean today besides yours and I'm gonna to lose sunlight.
Niles: Hmm. You know, Ralph, I was thinking that in many ways my profession is a lot like yours. I start out skimming the surface of the human psyche. Then I plunge ever deeper into the murky undercurrents, adding chemicals when necessary.
Ralph: ... There's a lot of leaves this year!

Quote from Niles

Ralph: Blue one's nice.
Niles: Mmm. I'm just concerned that blue might be a bit overbearing on a couch of that size. Although, it might complement that Kilim rug I was telling you about. What do you think?
Ralph: I live in my van.
Niles: So you, you'd probably go for colors that add the illusion of space?
Ralph: You know, Dr. Crane, to be perfectly honest, when you asked if I wanted coffee, I thought you were gonna bring me one.
Niles: Duly noted, Ralph. Next week you can go back to drinking from the hose.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: People, please. Frankly, this doesn't concern any of you.
Bob: When I think about all the gifts I gave you. All the barbecue sauce: Hot 'n' spicy, Tex Mex, mesquite, teriyaki, honey mustard-
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, Bob, put a [air quotes] "sock" in it.

Quote from Martin

Martin: Hey Daphne, guess what Eddie ate in the park today?
Daphne: Oh, let's see. A hot dog wrapper?
Martin: No. Guess again.
Daphne: A cigarette butt?
Martin: No. Guess again.
Daphne: Apple core?
Martin: No. Guess again.
Frasier: Oh really, must you two play this ridiculous game? She makes some feeble stab and you say "No. Guess again." Then she starts flailing away with even more ludicrous answers, all the while you chanting "Guess again", until she's gibbering like some auctioneer with a bad bladder. Then you finally reveal the answer at which point nobody even cares.
Daphne: I'm not sure which one of us got the worst of that, but I think it was you.
Martin: Guess again.

Quote from Frasier

Roz: You know, the longer you put it off the worse he's going to feel when you finally tell him.
Frasier: Yes, I know that. I'm a psychiatrist. I'm quite capable of dealing with difficult problems in a sensitive mature fashion. [opens the door to leave] Wait! Did you hear that? That squeak!
Roz: What squeak?
Frasier: He's here. It's Bob!
Roz: I don't hear anything.
Frasier: Oh, that's right. Only dogs and I can hear it.
Roz: Frasier, you're being paranoid.
[wheelchair squeaks]
Frasier: No. It's the sound of his chair. I'd know it anywhere. [Frasier see's Bob's tartan hat move across the window] Oh, my God!

Quote from Martin

Frasier: Niles.
Niles: There's a half-eaten lizard in your elevator.
Martin: And that's the last hint you're getting.

Quote from Martin

Frasier: My God, how did this happen? I've been back here for two years and I've yet to forge any new friendships.
Martin: [Martin shifts uncomfortably in his chair] Well, you'd better watch it, Frasier. Next thing you know you're gonna be like one of these old people who are so set in their ways that they're only happy hanging around with people who are the same as they are. [Eddie is writhing around on the floor.]

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