Phillip Hayson: Do you remember when this piece was in the gallery everyone who saw it wanted it.
Diane: Yes, it's a very special piece.
Ronald: Mrs. Chitcherelli was heart broken when it sold.
Phillip Hayson: Oh, I remember-
Frasier: Yes, I'm sure she was but, you see, it's not a Paxton!
Phillip Hayson: But it says right here that it is a Paxton. The signature is here. [All three point to the signature]
Frasier: Martha Paxton says that it is not a Paxton.
Phillip Hayson: Oh, Martha, how is the old dear? You know, she and I go back a long way, is she still...? [gestures to his hair]
Frasier: As a Crenshaw melon, yes.

Frasier: What were you two doing back there?
Niles: Maris lost her earring at the party last night. Daphne was good enough to crawl under the bed to look for it while I...
Frasier: Yes?
Niles: Searched the credenza.

Frasier: Niles, what is the name of that really vicious lawyer you use?
Niles: Which one? The one I used to sue the contractor or the one I used to sue the personal trainer?
Frasier: Well, the meanest.
Niles: Uh, that would be the second one. I used him to sue the first one.

Frasier: By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.
Niles: She's on your bed.
Frasier: My bed?
Niles: Yes. She's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.

Niles: Remember that day in junior high school when somebody took all my clothes while I was in the shower right after gym class? They hung them from the goalpost on the football field. I had no choice but to get a ladder and climb up there wearing nothing but a towel, wet and shivering. Then the towel fell off. There I was, your little brother, hanging naked from a goalpost, and everyone was standing around laughing. And all Coach Medwick would do was stand there going [raises arms]. Whatever that means.
Frasier: Niles, why are you telling me this?
Niles: Because I was so humiliated. I went home, I cried my eyes out. I swore I would get even. I was just about to put sugar into Coach Medwick's gas tank, and you stopped me. Remember what you said? You said, "If you act like a barbarian, you will become a barbarian."
Frasier: I said that?
Niles: Actually, you were more verbose at the time. I had to listen, you were sitting on my chest.

Niles: Give me the brick, Frasier.
Frasier: And let him get away with this?
Niles: I know. I know. What the gallery owner did was wrong. It was humiliating. But if you throw that brick through that window, you will have lost something more valuable than your money. You will have lost ... your mind. Frasier, you can't do this!
Frasier: Well, Niles, if you were strong enough to show restraint after so much humiliation, not to mention the nicknames-
Niles: Nicknames? There were nicknames?
Frasier: You didn't know that? Oh, dear God, yes. Peachfuzz, Jingle Bells- I can't remember the rest.
Niles: "Peachfuzz"?
Frasier: Yes, I believe Coach Medwick made that one up himself. Well, anyway, here you are. I won't be needing this any more.
Niles: I'm proud of you. [Niles throws the brick through the gallery window]
Frasier: My God, Niles. What are- What have you done?
Niles: I struck a blow for justice. Nobody calls me Peachfuzz! Now let's get the hell out of here!
Frasier: Niles, what are you doing now?
Niles: We may be barbarians, but we pay for our pillaging.
Frasier: Come on. Go! Go! Go! Go!

Frasier: You're listening to KACL 780 on your A.M. dial, This is Dr. Frasier Crane. All our lines are open, so please give us a call. I'm just sitting here waiting. Hey, Seattle, come on, I know you're out there. Hey, look, I realize it's a sunny day, but on all those rainy days I was there for you. All right, then, if that's the way you want it, you leave me no recourse.
# When the moon hits your eye Like a big pizza #
Ah, seems I got you going there, OK! All right, then. I knew you were out there.

Frasier: OK, Roz, who do we have?
Roz: We have Gary from Issiqua on line two. He and his wife had a big fight.
Frasier: Sorry to hear that, Gary. I'm listening.
Gary: "Well, you see, Dr. Crane, my wife's hell-bent on going to Italy this year."
Frasier: Ah, Italia! The rolling hills of Toscana, the art of Firenze, the passion that is Venezia!
Gary: "Yeah, well, anyway, I like taking a vacation as much as the next guy, but I say if we dip into our savings, the first thing we should buy is a new sump pump for the basement. At least with that-"
Frasier: Oh, listen, Gary. Let me stop you right there. I'm afraid I'm going to have to side with your wife on this one.
Gary: "But the trip to Italy costs 1,800 bucks, and that doesn't include the Splendors of the Vatican package."
Frasier: Gary, there is more to life than sump pumps. Whatever happened to feeding our souls? Look, for example, I recently purchased a painting by one of this country's premier artists. Oh, it's not important who. Well, it's Seattle's own Martha Paxton. Practical? No. But ever since acquiring that painting, I look at it every day and there's not a moment when I do that I'm not uplifted by its beauty. So, Gary, go to Italy. Bring back a suitcase full of memories. Will you do that?
Gary: "I still think I should get the sump pump."
Frasier: Well, then yes, Gary, you- You should get the sump pump. We'll be right back after this news break. Roz? Uh, just what is a sump pump?
Roz: If you need one, you'll know.

Roz: I didn't know you were having a cocktail party.
Frasier: That makes two of us.

Martin: You know, listen, Frasier. You're kind of upset about this, maybe I should return it for you.
Frasier: Well, Dad, I appreciate the gesture but, really, what do you know about the art world?
Martin: Apparently about as much as you do.