Niles: Where did this come from?
Gertrude: Oh, you must have crossed someone.
Daphne: Mother...
Donald: Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. We were just coming down the hall, and we saw you open your door. This is our trash can.
Daphne: What was it doing there?
Beverly: Jason, get back here. [to Niles] It seems our children have been feuding. We're very embarrassed.
Niles: You're embarrassed? Meet our daughter.
Gertrude: [waving cheerfully] Hello!

Gertrude: Who keeps ringing the doorbell?
Daphne: Shh. It's trick or treaters.
Niles: Okay, they're gone.
Gertrude: Well, why didn't you let them in?
Daphne: Because someone forgot to get Halloween candy.
Niles: Although, someone else could have picked it up since she was already in the store.
Daphne: But, that would override the duty list that someone insisted on implementing.
Gertrude: If this is what you two call a fight, you're not fit to be married. I once held your father's head underwater, and-

Gertrude: Oh, for heaven's sake! We haven't got any candy, shove off!
Niles: Great. Now they know we're here.
Gertrude: That is precisely what's wrong with this country. Everyone's afraid to stand up to the children. [opening the door]
Jason: Trick-or-treat!
Gertrude: Didn't you hear? We've got no candy.
Niles: We can offer you hotel soaps.

Jason: But it's Halloween. I dress up, you give me candy.
Gertrude: That costume's supposed to be scary?
Jason: No, is yours?
Gertrude: Oh, a nice bite into an onion is what that mouth of yours deserves.
Jason: If you don't have treats, you're going to get a trick.
Gertrude: Do your worst! I'm not afraid of you.

[As he closes his egg-pelted door]
Niles: Okay, I'm going to need my slicker and my squash goggles.

Roz: Isn't that kind of out there?
Frasier: That's the point. Well, of course, I could go with any one of your basic pranks, hand in warm water and whatnot. Believe me, I have an intimate knowledge of all of them. But what I'm looking for is something unmistakably me. A signature prank, if you will.

Roz: Why don't you just forget about revenge and give him his two minutes in the sun?
Frasier: What, at my expense?
Roz: Look at his life. You guys used to be equals, now he's stuck downstairs in that dark, musty archives room. You must have some sympathy for him, don't you?
Frasier: "Dark, musty archives", I think I can use that.

Niles: Hello, all.
Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Gertrude: Why do we have to stop here? I could make coffee at home.
Niles: Now, now, it's good to get out of the house, get some fresh air, exercise those lungs.
Gertrude: My lungs are as strong as ever. Just yesterday, I finished a whole cigarette in two drags. One off me record.

Daphne: What's this?
Frasier: I'm devising the ultimate prank to get my revenge on Bulldog.
Niles: Ah, well just beware the dangers of juvenile one-upsmanship. Only last night, Mrs. Moon challenged a trick-or-treater, and he responded by pelting our door with eggs.
Gertrude: Yeah, but I got the little monster back, by putting a big, greasy glob of Vaseline on his doorknob!
Niles: You said you'd put an end to it.
Gertrude: Hence the Vaseline.
Daphne: Mum, he's a child.
Gertrude: Well, it's time he learned you don't mess with Gertrude Moon without incurring my wrath. Now, excuse me, I require cocoa.

Frasier: You know, I think she has the right attitude. If I expect Bulldog to leave me alone, I've got to show him that he's dealing with a superior intellect.
Roz: Show them the balloon car.
Frasier: I'm sure Da Vinci's early notes were full of laughs, too. Excuse me, I have devising to do!