Dr. Schachter: That is it! That is it! In thirty years as a couples therapist, I've never said what I'm about to say: Give up! It's hopeless! You are pathologically mistrustful of each another, competitive to the point of madness! So, trust me, just meet each other at weddings and funerals, and the rest of the time, stay the hell away from each other! Now, I am going to limp to the nearest pub and drink until the rest of me is as numb as my ass!
Niles: Well... that's quite a diagnosis.

Frasier: As so often in these cases it took someone outside our situation to point it out to us.
Niles: Well, Dad always said it, but he has no credentials.

Frasier: Well, there's no arguing with Dr. Schachter's credentials. My God, the man is an expert in his field. He graduated from the University of... Grenada!
Niles: Well, surely that was just his undergraduate schooling.
Frasier: Oh yes, of course, his graduate work was done in... Aruba!
Niles: An all-Caribbean schooling. Well, tally me banana!

Martin: You know the best thing about getting old? Your hair may turn grey, your joints may stiffen, you may even have to walk with a cane. But people still ask you to help them move.

Jill: "Okay, I'm in my bedroom, I'd just gotten out of the bath tub to get dressed. When I opened the closet, all my clothes are gone. Suddenly, I hear the sound of footsteps on the drive outside. I turn and there is a little girl with her nose pressed up against the window."
Frasier: That is amazing!
[After Roz glances at her watch, she tries to get Frasier's attention]
Jill: "But her breath is clogging up the glass so that I can't make out her face. Only, I'm sure she's come to tell me something important."
[Roz is making increasingly grand gestures to get Frasier to notice here]
Frasier: So, a girl on the other side of a glass with an urgent message.
[Roz climbs on her console and starts waving at Frasier, but he still doesn't see her]
Frasier: And for some reason you're unwilling or able to receive it.
Roz: I'm sorry, Dr. Crane, I hate to interrupt, but you're all out of time for today.

Frasier: I am so tired of your exaggeration, you always make things fifteen thousand times worse than they are.

Niles: You expect us to believe that Roz actually used a phrase like "staggering intellect"?
Frasier: It was something like that.
Niles: So, she might have said your "boundless brilliance," or, say, "the Olympian reaches of your wisdom."

Daphne: Oh, I know what you're going though, Dr. Crane, dealing with a noisy neighbor. Have I ever mentioned that couple that lived next door to me in London? A married couple, who made the most un-Godly racket in bed! The walls must have been like tissue paper because I'd hear the whole performance every night. Finally, I decided the only to get them to stop was to let them hear what I'd been hearing. So, one night, I moved near the wall and I started. Ooh. Ooh, yes! Ooh, oh,don't stop. Oh, that's the spot. Oh, do it again! Oh, you are the beastmaster, aren't you?! Oh, for hell's sake, just take me, you devil-spawned sex monkey! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! [talking normally] Problem solved.
Niles: I'm sorry, Daphne, I drifted. Would you tell that story again?
[cut to:]
Frasier: Niles, you know full well that Daphne merely told us that story, she did not act it out.
Niles: Didn't she?

Frasier: Oh, my God, "Crane & Crane", I can see our logo already: a giant Crane hovering over a human head.

Frasier: Oh, Niles, I can't tell you how much I've missed that. The smell of the office place. Freshly oiled leather couches, the pungent coffee, the aroma of an exotic luncheon special wafting up from the cafeteria below.
Niles: Actually, that's the lab next door. They lost power last night and some of their tissue samples turned.