Frasier: Well, Norman, it was a real pleasure. I hope you keep listening to my show.
Norman: I sure will. You're a good man. Not a lot of people left with your kind of integrity.
[Frasier leaves, but he comes right back]
Frasier: Norman. I have a little confession to make. I didn't- I didn't drop your ashtray, I dropped the mask and the nose broke off. I feel just terrible.
Norman: Oh, that's why you needed my denture adhesive?
Frasier: Yes.
Norman: Well, usually it works pretty well. I must have dropped that mask ten times. I am blind, you know.
Frasier: Well, certainly is a relief to hear that. Well, you know, I better get out of here before I do any further damage. It was great meeting you. Would you like me to leave the light on or off?
Norman: Surprise me.

Moira: So there are four of us in the raft, and I see we're heading into a patch of white water. Suddenly, we slam into a rock, and the next thing I know my teeth are flying into the Colorado River. I damn near dived in after them. Those teeth cost more than the whole trip.
Roz: You've had quite a life.
Moira: I suppose. Never got arrested, though. Oh, good for you.
Roz: It wasn't so great. You know, it was the first time I ever got pulled over and couldn't flirt my way past it.
Moira: Oh, that's almost as bad as the first time somebody calls you "Ma'am."
Roz: That happened the other day. It's been kind of a rough week.
Moira: I bet I know just what you're thinking. "This is only the beginning. It's only gonna get worse from here."
Roz: Well, yeah.
Moira: Let me tell you something. I'm 81 now. And every morning, I open my eyes and I see the sun streaming through the window. I hear the birds chirping, I smell the coffee brewing down the hall, and I walk into the bathroom and I look into the mirror. And do you know what I say to myself?
Roz: What?
Moira: [screams]
Roz: What the hell is that?
Moira: That's the second thing I say. The point is, it is only gonna get worse from where you are right now. Well, what did you want me to say? "Life gets better with every passing year?" You want to hear that, you go talk to Mrs. Adelman. You can't miss her. She's the one in the TV room with the inflatable seahorse around her waist.
Roz: Well you're not making me feel any better, Moira.
Moira: It's 'cause I can't. Nobody likes to get older. But it doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself. I'll tell you a funny story. Last Thursday, I hacked into the main computer here and changed the schedule. So now, I get all my sponge-baths from Eduardo.
Roz: You're kidding me.
Moira: Look, you're way too young to be concerned about all this. Don't waste the best years of your life worrying about something you can't control.
Roz: I know. I know you're right. You know, I wouldn't care about getting older if I thought my mind was gonna be as sharp as yours is.
Moira: Sharp? I'll tell you a funny story. Last Thursday, I hacked into the main computer here and changed the schedule. And now, I get all my sponge-baths from Eduardo.

Niles: Oh, did I mention? Two members of my "Fear of Commitment" group have announced they're getting married.
Frasier: Oh, congratulations.
Niles: Thank you. There's a downside, though. They're New Age types. The wedding's to be held in the woods.
Frasier: So?
Niles: I need a date. You know how the women in my crowd tend to droop outdoors.

Roz: About a month ago, I got stopped doing sixty in a thirty-mile-an-hour zone. It was either a huge fine or community service. So here I am. It's a nightmare. Breathing exhaust fumes, using a spatula to scrape up roadkill.
Frasier: Well, at least look on the bright side. You're outdoors, you can enjoy nature. You're beautifying our highways.
Roz: Frasier, I found an ear!

Roz: Old people just make me uncomfortable.
Frasier: Roz, have you considered that your discomfort around the elderly may stem from your own fear of growing old?
Roz: Wow! D'you think? Oh, my God!
Frasier: What?
Roz: It's my supervisor. Hit the gas.
Frasier: I can't. It might be illegal.
Roz: [holding up her trash spear] Move, or your brother gets it!
Frasier: Absolutely not!
Roz: All right, the headrest.
Frasier: Off we go.

Frasier: You know, I'm just saying it's always gratifying to see some reward for your efforts. Lately, that's something I've been lacking in my own work.
Niles: How so?
Frasier: Oh, well you know, back in private practice I could spend months, even years with a patient, see the fruits of my labor. Now, somebody calls in, I give my advice, and never know how things work out. I simply release my humble words into the airwaves and then they're gone forever, vanished.
Niles: So like my Tiffany cuff links. I'd hoped to wear them to my new age wedding, they've disappeared.
Frasier: So you know my pain.

Frasier: I'm not really dissatisfied, it's just that- Well, Daphne, you know, you get to see your progress with Dad. Niles, you have the upcoming marriage of your commitment phobics.
Martin: Oh, come on, you help people all the time. You helped me just the other day.
Frasier: How?
Martin: Well, I was worried because Eddie had lost his appetite, and remember what you said?
Frasier: If I remember rightly, I said, "Well, why don't you just give him some of my truffle foie gras?"
Martin: Right.
Frasier: I was being funny.
Martin: Oh... Well, yeah. Well, I knew that. Ha-ha. That just cheered me right up. Come on, Eddie.

Frasier: Listen, have you seen Roz? She's late. My show goes on in thirty seconds.
Bulldog: You know what? I'd dump her.
Frasier: That's a little extreme, don't you think?
Bulldog: No. I fire everybody once a year. Housekeepers, personal trainers. You know, cut them off before they start copping an attitude. Oh, oh, oh. Doctors are the worst of all. You pick up the same disease three or four times, they start lecturing you like it's your fault. [holding out his candy bar] You want a bite?
Frasier: Not if you skipped it to me across a pool of disinfectant.

Roz: You're lucky I made it at all. I took your advice and went down to that retirement home to finish off my community service..
Frasier: Oh, lot better than spearing trash, isn't it?
Roz: You tell me. I started playing checkers with this old man, Mr. Krantz? Well, things got a little competitive and he made a really bad move and I said, "You're a dead man!"
Frasier: Oh, dear. I think I see where this story is headed.
Roz: Mmm-hmm. A minute later, he's lying sprawled across the board, pieces are everywhere, the whole place is screaming. When I pulled him up, he still had a checker stuck to his forehead.

Frasier: Roz, listen. You can't be too upset about this. Now given the circumstances, his age and his surroundings, surely this thing was sort of expected.
Roz: Not with this guy. The whole reason I liked him was he was so youthful and robust. (Bulldog enters) You should have seen him, Frasier. He was raring to go, he kept bragging about how good he was and how much fun it was going to be, and he dies on me!
Bulldog: Hey, it happens to all guys, okay?
Frasier: Bulldog.
Bulldog: No, no, nope, nope. This is a pet peeve of mine, doc. Why is it always the guy's fault? You know, if you chicks needed a little less booze to get from "maybe" to "yes," we'd be a lot more alert when the moment of truth arrives.
Frasier: Bulldog, Roz was playing checkers with an elderly gentleman and he died.
Bulldog: Oh, well. When I said "We" I didn't mean me, because I don't have that... Hey, you're a doctor, that was
confidential.