Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry, if Frederick's anything like me, the kind of toys he'll like to play with are... A kitchen set, a dollhouse and three kinds of Barbies. Oh, good God. This is for a Franklin Crane from Kennebunkport. Oh, God, do you realize what this means?
Niles: Yes. The Cranes of Maine have got your Living Brain.

Frasier: Oh, Niles. I hope you had the presence of mind to bring presents of mine.
Niles: I haven't heard that line since last year. But then again, Christmas is the season for chestnuts.

Frasier: Oh, Niles. You realize that this is illegal? Did you actually drive yourself here?
Niles: I'm a little too toasted for that, Frasier. No, the minute I knew I was getting baked tonight, I called a cab. And I printed my name and address on a card in my pocket in case I'm still too crispy to speak to the cab driver taking me home.
Frasier: I judge by all this rich terminology that you've done some research?
Niles: Yes, I know all the symptoms I can expect to experience. I'm especially looking forward to something called the "munchies" stage. It's where one enjoys bizarre food combinations. I'm thinking of pairing this Chilean sea bass with an aggressive Zinfandel!

Frasier: Dad, when you were at the café today, you didn't eat a brownie that Roz brought for Niles, did you?
Martin: Yeah, but I replaced it.
Frasier: For God's sake. That was a pot brownie. You're stoned off your ass!
Niles: Well, someone must feel pretty out of it, being the only one here who isn't completely burnt.
Frasier: Oh, knock it off, you imbecile. You're as sober as I am!

Martin: Hey, hey, Niles, let me ask you something. Do you ever feel like you'd just like to go straight?
Niles: What?
Martin: Well, you know, I was walking home, and I kept thinking about all the turns we have to make. Right turn, left turn. How much easier it'd be if we just could go straight over the trees, over a building. That's what a giant would do. They should let everybody be a giant for a day.