Gertrude: It's a bloody miracle we're here in one piece what with the way you drive.
Roz: I'm better at it when someone's not screaming in my ear.
Gertrude: Well, in my day people didn't drive so recklessly. Do you know why?
Alice: Is it because you rode dinosaurs?
Gertrude: You should talk to your daughter.
Roz: [to Alice, after Gertrude storms off] When we get home, you're getting ice cream.

Judge Stern: Is this everybody?
Niles: Yes.
Judge Stern: Let's get started. We come here today to unite this man and this woman in marriage. I understand Daphne and Niles have composed vows that are especially significant to them. Niles.
Niles: [listlessly] Uh, I, Niles Crane take you, Daphne Moon, to be my wife. I, I vow to you my, my fidelity and support, honor, respect, uh, honesty, protection, and support. You are my comfort and joy and, oh, shoot, there's one more.
Daphne: One true love.
Niles: One true love. That's right. Okay, you go.
Daphne: "Okay, you go"? I, Daphne Moon, do... I'm sorry, this is wrong. I can't stand here and rattle off a bunch of words that don't mean anything anymore. I can't go through with this.
Donny: Yes! I knew it! Now you know what it's like to have the love of your life dump you at the altar! And good luck trying to find somebody as good, because she just ain't out there!

Martin: Oh, you're lucky. I always wanted to go to Bora Bora.
Niles: Oh, it's going to be fantastic, Dad. We're staying in a thatched hut built out over the water. In the middle of the floor, there's a window where you can look straight down to the bottom of the ocean.
Martin: Well, I hope it's not too deep. When we went to the top of the Space Needle and you looked down, you got sick.
Niles: Dad!
Martin: All over that poor Japanese tour group.
Niles: Dad!
Martin: And when I yelled down to warn them, they just looked up.
Niles: That was three years ago!