TV Quotes

Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry, if Frederick's anything like me, the kind of toys he'll like to play with are... A kitchen set, a dollhouse and three kinds of Barbies. Oh, good God. This is for a Franklin Crane from Kennebunkport. Oh, God, do you realize what this means?
Niles: Yes. The Cranes of Maine have got your Living Brain.

Frasier: Oh, Niles. I hope you had the presence of mind to bring presents of mine.
Niles: I haven't heard that line since last year. But then again, Christmas is the season for chestnuts.

Martin: Frasier, I want my Rudolph out for Christmas.
Frasier: What, this again?
Martin: It's just not Christmas without it.
Frasier: Dad, we had an agreement about the Christmas decorations this year.
Martin: Yeah, but your Christmas stinks. I mean, do you call that a tree?
Frasier: You know, would it kill you to have a tasteful Christmas just once in your life? Every year we do Christmas your way.
Martin: And you have things your way every damn day. I mean look at it, there's nothing of mine around this place except for my chair. And you've taken pot shots at that right from the start because it doesn't fit in with your frou-frou knick-knacks!
Frasier: Oh, that's right, Dad. o ahead, ridicule everything I do, the way I eat, the way I decorate. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?
Martin: Well, do you know how it makes me feel to live like a guest in my own home?
Frasier: Dad, I do everything I can to make you feel welcome in this house, but nothing I ever do is good enough.
Martin: You've got a strange way of making me feel welcome, taking Christmas away from me. The one time of the year when I get to do things my way. Like it used to be in our home, with your mother and when you were kids. You know, that's a nice memory for me, you'd think as a psychiatrist you'd figure that out.
Frasier: Oh, fine, now I'm not even a good psychiatrist. I guess I'm just a big fat let-down, aren't I?
Martin: And I'm just a burden to you. And I hate living here!
Frasier: And I hate you living here!
[They both start to weep as they realize what they just said]
Frasier: Oh my God.
Martin: Oh, Jeez.
Frasier: Oh God, I feel terrible.
Martin: So do I. They were hugging by now.
Frasier: We never should have tried this. We're not Jewish.
Martin: Maybe Mrs. Shapiro next door can talk us through it?
Frasier: She's out of town.
Martin: Oh, no! I'm sorry, I never should have said what I said.
Frasier: Oh, Dad, no, I should have been more sensitive. I am a psychiatrist.
Martin: And you're a damned good one, too, and I'm very proud of you.
Frasier: Really?
Martin: Yes.
Frasier: Oh, Dad, I didn't mean any of the things I said. I love having you here.
Martin: I love being here. I always have.
Frasier: Honestly?
Martin: Well, no, but I thought it would get us to the hug.
Frasier: All right, let's try.

Martin: I don't know how to be Jewish.
Niles: Well, just answer questions with a question.
Martin: Like what?
Niles: What, I have to explain everything?
Martin: Can't you give me an example?
Niles: What, I should give you an example?
Martin: Are you going to help me or not?
Niles: You're saying I'm not being helpful?
Martin: Oh, forget it!

Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him.
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. Of course. Why?
Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.
Frasier: Who does?
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun, except without the warmth.

Frasier: What the hell was that? Was that a gunshot?
Niles: Morning, Frasier. Just getting up?
Frasier: "Just getting up?" Are you out of your mind? A gun just went off in here!
Martin: Niles bought a starter's pistol.
Niles: And there's no need to get snippy. Accidents happen, you know.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. Was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room!