Niles: [on the phone] Hello? Ah, Winchett, so looking forward to seeing you at the party. Oh, how dreadful. Oh, you poor thing. No, no, of course I understand. The important thing is that you get better. You are a dear for calling... [hanging up] You lying, two-faced cow.
Frasier: So she's not really sick?
Niles: Oh, hardly. Maris is luring away all my confirmed guests. Suddenly there are accidents, deaths in the family... A wave of misfortune is sweeping through society's blue bloods at a rate unprecedented since the French Revolution.

Greg: "...and lately I've had the chronic fluctuating mood disturbances which would indicate cyclothymic disorder. I mean, the hypomanic symptoms are there and yet I'm experiencing moments of aphasia and apraxia and I just want to pull my teeth out, Dr. Crane. What do you think?"
Frasier: Well, Greg, two possible diagnoses come to mind. Either you are seriously mentally ill and you should be institutionalized immediately, or you are a first-year psychology student.
Greg: "Oh yeah, yeah, I'm at UW."
Frasier: Yes, well, it's not uncommon for students to feel that they're manifesting symptoms that they are studying. It'll pass.
Greg: "What do I do till it passes?"
Frasier: Well, just relax. Though it might be a good idea to postpone reading about male sexual disorder until after spring break.

Niles: Well, Maris has finally deigned to call me back after I'd left no fewer than twenty messages.
Frasier: Honestly, Niles, by calling her so many times you give her all the power. You're much better off coming from a position of strength!
Niles: Don't pour that sherry on your shirt, it will stain.
Frasier: What?
Niles: I'm sorry, I thought this was the portion of the afternoon where we gave each other patently obvious advice.