Frasier: Mrs. Claus was up very late last night.

Martin: I hate singing and I hate Christmas and I'm going to bed!
Frasier: Dad, what happened?
Martin: Well, I went into my song and everything was going fine. Then we come up to the high note, and I actually think I'm going to hit it for once. Then I look over and I see Eddie. He's got his head buried in the Christ Child's cradle. Well, I guess he mistook the Christ Child for one of his chew toys because he grabs a hold of it in his teeth and starts shaking it. So, the Virgin Mary grabbed hold of its legs, well, you know how Eddie likes a good tug-of-war, so they're going at it, then Eddie runs out of there with it still in his mouth and half the population of Bethlehem chasing after him. I never should have agreed to be in that pageant.

Frasier: All right! That is enough! This is the night we celebrate peace and togetherness! I will not have that ruined. I intend to put us all in the right frame of mind by giving you all my gift. As you know, I was determined to make my gifts this year a little more meaningful. And after a great deal of effort I believe I have. My gift does not come from some fancy store, all wrapped in glittery paper. My gift comes from my heart. Tonight, I intend to sit each one of you down, and tell you in my own words, exactly how much you mean to me.
Martin: That's it? That's the cheapest thing I've ever heard.
Roz: Who cares?
Martin: Are you out of your mind?
Frasier: Or, I could get someone over to give us all massages.
Martin: Oh, great.
Frasier: Well, then.