Frasier: You know, this vindictive behavior of Maris's is completely out of line. You know, if you don't want to continue with it you really should call her on the phone. Confront her.
Niles: You're absolutely right. It's time I took the bull by the horns. Sorry! [on the phone:] Maris. Niles. You may feel you've triumphed, but all you've done is shown yourself to be petty and uncivil. Frankly, the only people lower than you are the fickle paramecia that deserted my party to attend yours. Uh-huh. Oh, I see. Very well. Yes. I'll see you at eight. Can I bring anything?
Frasier: Thank God for the starch in that shirt or there'd be nothing holding you upright.

Martin: I'm getting rid of that damn painting right now. I just wish I knew why you told the waiter you loved it so much?
Frasier: I was lying to him.
Martin: But you can't lie to me?
Frasier: Dad. Dad, please. Please stop crying. I want to keep it now.
Martin: No, it's no good.
Frasier: No, no, it is good. It's very good. I love it.
Niles: Well, I found the- the- Uh, Dad, are you crying? Frasier, what happ- Oh, my God, you're crying, too. Why is everybody crying? You know how I get when other people cry. Tell me what happened.
Frasier: I made our father cry.
Martin: I'm not crying.
Frasier: Well, I am. I'm the most ungrateful son there is.
Martin: I can never do anything for my sons!
Niles: [wailing] No one wants to come to my party!

Frasier: Dad. Dad, just hang on a second, will you? Do you remember a time when I was six or seven years old? You were getting ready for work and you were getting dressed. I was playing with your badge and you sat me down and you said that it was not a toy. That it was a symbol of something very important. Of integrity and honesty and helping people. Well, from then on, every time I'd see you put on that badge I would think of that.
Martin: I just said that so you'd stop playing with the damn thing. You were getting it all sticky.
Frasier: Be that as it may, I've tried to live up to your example and help other people. I've tried as a psychiatrist to conduct myself with the same integrity that you showed as a police officer. And when I find myself in a quandary as to the proper course of action, I think of you wearing that badge and then I know what I have to do. You gave me that.
Martin: Yeah?
Frasier: Yeah, Dad. Thanks.

Martin: Look, we had an agreement. We went to see a movie I wanted to see, so I'm supposed to pay for the tickets.
Frasier: Very well, Dad. The next time we go to see a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, not only may you pay for the tickets, but also for the wild horses it will take to drag me there.
Martin: Well, I'm only mad because we had an agreement. Now, a man's supposed to honor his agreements, didn't you learn anything from that movie?
Frasier: Yes, only that bullets are useless against the man who can kick really high.

Martin: Now, look, I'm serious about this. Once in a while I'd like to pay.
Frasier: Okay.
Martin: Okay, so the next time we go anywhere, it's on me. Have I made my point?
Frasier: Yes, Dad, with all the subtlety Mr. Van Damme displayed when he jet-packed into the Vatican to subdue that nasty Pope imposter.
Martin: Like you saw that coming.

Daphne: Dr. Crane, will you be joining us for dinner?
Niles: What a nice invitation. I'd love to.
Daphne: Well then, you're in for a treat. I've decided to make Grammy Moon's famous "Sheep's Head Stew." Oh, don't worry. The name's a bit misleading. It's actually more of a soup.
Martin: You actually use a real sheep's head?
Daphne: Well, you have to. It's right in here.
Frasier: Oh, my God. I just remembered. We have reservations at Le Cigare Volant tonight.
Niles: Oh my God, you're right.
Martin: Oh, jeez, I nearly forgot.
Daphne: You're going too, Mr. Crane?
Martin: Well, I promised the boys. I don't suppose there's any way you guys would let me out of this, is there?
Frasier: Well-
Niles: Well-
Martin: See, I tried!
Daphne: Well, have fun. I'm off to stick me head in the oven. [After the Crane men leave, Daphne picks up the phone] Hello, Marshall? I got rid of them. You bring some wine and I'll throw the steaks on.

Martin: You guys go ahead. I've got to make a little visit to Le Can.

Martin: I know what you're doing, you know. I'm not stupid.
Frasier: What are you talking about?
Martin: You're eating light? All the way over here you had the same look on your face that Eddie gets when he hears a can opener.
Frasier: Look, Dad, it's just that I'm not that comfortable ordering an expensive meal when you're paying.
Martin: Well, what's the big deal? You take me to places like this all the time.
Frasier: I can afford it! I'm sorry. I didn't mean that the way it sounded. I know how you feel.
Martin: No, you don't. You're always paying for me and I'm never allowed to pay for you. Well, it feels pretty lousy. Well, go ahead, Mr. Bigshot, you pay!

Niles: Well, the good news is Winchett has agreed to come to my party. The bad news is I've left my wallet at home so, Frasier, I'm afraid this is on you.
Frasier: Actually, tonight's dinner is on Dad.
Martin: No, you ruined it. I'm not paying.
Frasier: Well, I'm not paying.
Niles: Well, I can't pay.
Francois: So that would be three Happy Meals to go?

Daphne: No, he never suspected a thing. Yes, I had a great time too. Oh go on, Marshall, say it again. Now say it how you said it last night like Donald Duck. Well, I guess it was the wine that made it funny. Yes, I'll see you tonight. Bye.